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Original poster

Please give me advice. (sensitive subject)

490 replies

GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 11:02

I have recently found out I am pregnant, unplanned but DP knew we wasn't taking any contraception and happily had sex with me daily. I'd have this baby but he is desperate not too. Realistically, the best thing to do is to terminate but the circumstances we are facing aren't reasons to terminate in my opinion. I am really sorry if this offends anyone, i'm just desperate for advice and absolutely terrified.

If you've read my thread in Pregnancy Choices, you'll have read I had an awful doctors appointment and have been struggling to get advice anywhere. It still hasn't sunk in properly, I don't feel ready to be making such huge decisions that can potentially leave me with everlasting guilt.

DP has now booked me in for an abortion consultation on my behalf (I've never asked him too). He will be pretty much escorting me to my appointments, which I feel obliged to say that I want an abortion.

Is this even allowed? How can another person, make GP/Clinic appointments on behalf of another? What do I do

OP posts:

Shakey15000 · 31/01/2017 17:17

Can only echo what everyone else has said. I hope they see you on your own Take care x

BrowsOnFleek · 31/01/2017 17:21

GlowWorm - a sexual health clinic will make sure they speak to you alone at first, to ask questions about your relationship etc. Please mention that your DP is forcing you into it.

GlitteryFluff · 31/01/2017 17:38

Oh please don't let him force you into anything you don't want. If you need more time to think or you don't want a termination that's fine. I hope you manage to talk to them alone

Original poster

GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 07:43

I've told him again I do not want him there. He's being supportive and teaching me a lesson apparently.

I tried to ring BPAS for advice, they said the NHS have to refer me so I'll see what they say tomorrow. 😞

OP posts:

ricecrispies16 · 01/02/2017 08:01

You say their are obstacles but that you know you are able to overcome them. There is never a perfect time to have a baby. Keep your baby. One day those obstacles won't be there anymore and you will think about the baby you could have had if you terminate.

Be strong - it's your body, your baby, YOUR decision.

Put your unborn baby before that wanker and tell him to piss off out your life.

petalsandstars · 01/02/2017 08:01

Take a little note with you. Or ask for a pee pot and label to write a message on when you get there if he doesn't give you space to mention it.

ricecrispies16 · 01/02/2017 08:01

There*. Not their

acatcalledjohn · 01/02/2017 08:25

He's being supportive and teaching me a lesson apparently.

Exactly what lesson is he teaching you, OP? Is he trying to teach you that whatever he says goes? That your body is not your own? That you MH doesn't matter?

You really come across as if you don't want to abort. I aborted once (contraception fail, bad partner, no desire for a child, HG) and it was clear in my head from the moment I saw the BFP, as well as throughout the day of the abortion itself. You don't sound remotely like that. You sound like you recognise there are obstacles, but the child is very much wanted.

Please don't go through with anything until you have spoken to professionals. Get yourself a new GP and go from there.

Get rid of your partner. He is no partner as he is giving no consideration to how this affects you physically and mentally.

curlii103 · 01/02/2017 08:58

You obviously don't want to terminate because you weren't using contraception. That to be suggests you want this....which is your decision to

Original poster

GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 12:43

I have called the sexual heath clinic and they have put a note on the system that says he is attending the appointment but I want to be alone during the consultation.

I hope they don't tell shout that I have called & requested him not to come.

I'm not sure what lesson he's trying to teach me...

OP posts:

Butteredpars1ps · 01/02/2017 13:00

Well done for calling Glow Worm. I hope the appointment goes well.

Do you think you could call Women's Aid today too? It sounds like your partner isn't going to respect you or your decisions. WA can support you as you work out what's next.

OFFFS · 01/02/2017 13:02

GlowWorm, at this stage you going through the process. You can stop it at anytime, including right up to the procedure. Nothing is set in stone.

Gazelda · 01/02/2017 13:11

Glow he sounds horrendous. He doesn't sound loving or respectful. Do you have any time apart where you can just 'think' or call someone you can trust to chat over your situation and your options?

Original poster

GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 13:14

I get 45 minute lunch and have spent the majority of that on hold to the sexual health clinic... women's aid is my next call when I get space away. I've booked an afternoon of work and going to meet my friend without him knowing. I need someone to talk too.

gazelda I only get time away when I work, I live in my parents house alone however he has a key and just turns up when he wants. I don't get much time to myself.

OP posts:

OFFFS · 01/02/2017 13:21

Is there anything good about your relationship Glowworm?

Original poster

GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 13:32

OFFFS There is. He's helped me get out of debt, he does support me (I was made redundant, he gave me two months salary so I wouldn't stress about finding work and not being able to pay bills) he encourages me to progress in my career, gives me advice on how to climb the ladder and even offered to pay for an expensive qualification.

He is thoughtful, he makes an effort with my family and friends and I do love him.

He is overbearing though, this is something he clearly feels strongly about and won't give me space to even breathe or think.

OP posts:

Heathen4Hire · 01/02/2017 13:33

Sending hugs.

acatcalledjohn · 01/02/2017 13:37

Glowworm, you sound scared of him.

Is he in any way, shape or form on any tenancy/mortgage agreement? If not, here is e* to changing the locks on a budget (loads of guides on YouTube). That way you don't have to worry about him having possibly copied your key.

I'm so very sorry you're having to deal with this.

Original poster

GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 13:42

acat he does get very overpowering, especially right now. Other times not so much but he still very opinionated and makes digs at me all the time.

I live in my parents house, he has his own flat but stays with me every night except when he has his DC. My parents live abroad and have no idea what goes on - they adore him. Thank you for your advice

OP posts:

hesterton · 01/02/2017 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 13:47

hesterton that is what i'm scared of! I'm just imagining how it'll pan out. We're sat in the waiting area, my name gets called, we'll both stand up to walk in and the nurse saying "sorry DP, there is a note that GlowWorm called and said she'd like to be seen on her own" I'm praying she just says "sorry, only Glow Worm allowed"

I'm young, although I have a good job, I drive and can live independently, i'm still naive. He's opened my eyes and I don't want to be pushed into life changing decisions.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 01/02/2017 13:49

we're sat in the waiting area, my name gets called, we'll both stand up to walk in and the nurse saying "sorry DP, there is a note that GlowWorm called and said she'd like to be seen on her own" I'm praying she just says "sorry, only Glow Worm allowed"

Honestly, that won't happen. They've seen people be coerced before and if there's a note they'll handle it sensitively.

You need a plan for after the appointment. He's not just going to let this go and I bet he'll be at you to tell him what happened while he was out of the room.

ParrotPudding · 01/02/2017 14:00

Op, I'm in the South west, so may be different. But during your appointment you should be asked for a urine sample. In the toilets, there will be some little coloured dot stickers. These are there so that anyone experiencing any form of abuse/coersion can put a sticker on thier sample pot and the hcp can know whats going on. They should ask partner to.leave room then if he has already been allowed in.

OFFFS · 01/02/2017 14:00

Sounds to me like he is used to being in control and is absolutely shitting himself.

Look, he doesn't want this baby, you do. Tell him (and mean it) that it's your choice as to whether or not you terminate the pregnancy. If you choose to, he can terminate the relationship, he can walk away and you'll ask nothing. He doesn't want this baby so let him walk away. And live your life without him.

ParrotPudding · 01/02/2017 14:01

With the excuse of doing an examination or something.

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