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Original poster

Wedding Invite but no kids!!!

192 replies

Bellabutterfly2016 · 10/04/2016 11:44

I think this is just weird;

My friend is getting married in June (we all went to uni together) - there was 4 of us really good friends we lived together for the entire 4 year course. 2 of us have kids, my dd is 5 months and one of the other girls has a newborn and 3 year old twins.

The bride has invited all of us as bridesmaids - we knew about this we've been shopping for dresses and shoes and the bride has paid for them no expense spared either!!!

Anyway I've already bought a dress for my dd and told our other friend with the baby and Twins (all girls) we ordered them all the same from NEXT so they'd look lovely on the photo's. We haven't told the bride as we thought it would be a nice surprise but the surprise was on us.......

Official invite yesterday came and said "sorry no kids"!!! My other friend with kids got hers first as I was out yesterday and phoned me in floods of tears - I must admit I was pretty upset too - I haven't spoken to my friend without kids or the bride I'm in shock!!! I told my mum who said she'd have my daughter (this would be for the weekend as its in a country hotel miles away and we've been booked in fri-sun we just assumed with a travel cot!!!) but that's not the point.

Has anyone else been in this situation and how did you tackle it?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 10/04/2016 18:18

In fairness, if you're not going to bother with your friends ever again because you couldn't go to their wedding, you can't have been that close to begin with!

LittleMisslovesspiders · 10/04/2016 18:19

if people who are important to you have small kids, you have to try and work with them rather than just washing your hands of the matter and saying no kids and not giving a shit about the chaos caused for some.

You also have to accept their decision and not use emotional blackmail etc.

It is their choice not to have DC at the wedding. Your choice not to attend.

Hulababy · 10/04/2016 18:27

I'm not a big fan of child free weddings personally, but know some people like them and they are not uncommon, though not yet overtaken weddings where children are allowed to attend. .

I am surprised it hasn't come up during the bride/bridesmaid talks, especially as the bride knows two of you have very young children, and one a newborn. Its pretty bad on the bride's part tbh - it should have been something she mentioned when first discussing you all being bridesmaids - as it is still more common than not to have children, esp tiny ones and ones of the immediate bridal party, invited to weddings.

I would have also brought it up with the bride prior to this - I wouldn't have left my baby at such a young age, so it would have been an important consideration for me before accepting a bridesmaid role.

However, this hasn't happened so you have to deal with it now.

Remember - an invitation is not a summons, even if you are a bridesmaid.

You can:
(a) accept the invitation and leave you child with your mum. or
(b) say you cannot now attend due to childcare reasons.

Both are perfectly acceptable responses. If a bride (and groom) decides to put some form of restriction on a wedding invitation, then they must accept that some guests may have/want to decline.

If you are not happy to leave your little one, then don't feel you have to.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
CharlieSierra · 10/04/2016 18:29

I think that in itself is a symptom of the increasing move to the perfect big day being the 'thing' rather than just the first few hours of being married

No it isn't, I got married in 1978 and this subject came up. I remember my own parents attending weddings to which no children were invited. A wedding day has always been a special day and people choose different ways to celebrate it.

Some people's obsession with their small children and their total failure to realise that others are not thoroughly enchanted by them is the main reason why they don't get invited. Prime example in the OP imagining the bride will be thrilled about her troupe of extra flower girls! The parents can't be trusted to remove them if they are disruptive. They necessitate serving beige food at an adult dinner, probably with ketchup, and then if not taken home for the evening they rush around and slide about on the dance floor which is dangerous and annoying; then get tired and whinge. Most weddings, especially in the evening are unsuitable for small children.

HanYOLO · 10/04/2016 18:32

People who don't have kids (yet) just don't get it. TBH I think you just have to let them off.

You shouldn't lose a friendship over something like this - the fault of miscommunication is on both sides.

Hulababy · 10/04/2016 18:32

To be fair to the OP it was the mum of the newborn who was in tears, not the OP.

Mrsbadger77 · 10/04/2016 18:33

Children are a pain in the arse at weddings below a certain age. They get really tired and bored by all the speeches. We went to a wedding recently that our 3 yo dd hadn't been invited to. We had our main course then about an hour of speeches then pudding. Dd would have been unbearable having to wait for pudding. Just enjoy the time together.

Hulababy · 10/04/2016 18:36

CharlieSierra - I do think it is much more common now than in the past. Certainly in my experience child free weddings were much rarer in the past. I have been to dozens of weddings over the years - as a child and an adult. I come from quite a big family so went to many in that way - was a bridesmaid at 5 before I have reached my teens! I also sang in the local church choir when I was in brownies and Guides, so saw even more weddings as a child in the 70s/80s too.

The first child free wedding I ever went to in any form was when I was an adult, and after DD was born (she was about 18-2y???) so around 2003/4 time. Never came across it at all in the 70s and 80s.

I see it far more now - so my experience see you soon it is ore common now than it was 30/40 years ago - they were all much more relaxed, family affairs involving people of all ages from babies and children to older relatives.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2016 18:37

'People who don't have kids (yet) just don't get it.'

I have kids. I get it. I wouldn't want children at my wedding if I had one, mostly because I've seen now how so many act about their children and how many think the kids walk on water and should be allowed to behave however they wish wherever they are.

RidersOnTheStorm · 10/04/2016 18:38

We got married in the 70s and had no DCs none of my friends invited DCs either.

It's certainly not a new thing.

Fluffy24 · 10/04/2016 18:40

Your choice not to attend.

As an ordinary guest yes but if you've been asked to be a bridesmaid and have accepted it's always going to be undesirable to then change your mind quite late on.

LittleMisslovesspiders · 10/04/2016 18:40

People who don't have kids (yet) just don't get it. TBH I think you just have to let them off.

How patronising.

Hulababy · 10/04/2016 18:45

Fluffy - if it had been so important to the bride to have these specific bridesmaids, knowing they had very small babies, then she should have told them of her plans before now I'm afraid. It should come from the bride and/or groom - it is often considered far worse, as shown on this thread, for the guests (of any type) to ask if their children can come after all.

Sunshine87 · 10/04/2016 18:46

Yabu you just assumed they were invited without checking. Both my BMs have children,two each and they were not invited to our wedding I have known these girls for 17years and went to school together and very close. They completely understood the cost that we were funding ourselves that adding on additional children would have increased the costs. Then of course once you invite one lot of children you have to extend that offer to everyone else's child it can make a big difference when it comes to price. I'm guessing the bride has no kids herself so can fully understand the no kids policy. You guys need to stop making it about yourself and go enjoy a night away and celebrate your close friends marriage it's not a slight on you in the slightest.

PurpleDaisies · 10/04/2016 18:53

People who don't have kids (yet) just don't get it. TBH I think you just have to let them off.

Not this crap again. People without children are not stupid. If you read the thread you will see many parents are happy to attend child free weddings.

Hulababy · 10/04/2016 18:54

"You guys need to stop making it about yourself and go enjoy a night away and celebrate your close friends marriage it's not a slight on you in the slightest."

Or not go and decline the invitation. They may not want to leave their babies, one fairly new-born, for such a lengthy period of time. If the bride and groom are such close friends then they should understand and accept that their friends can't leave their little ones with someone else yet. The OP and other bridesmaids should be allowed to make that choice - both options are perfectly acceptable!

I would not have been happy to leave my baby at such a young age - that doesn't mean I would be unreasonable. Its perfectly normal to not be able or not want to leave a young baby for the night.

I hate that some people thing that only the bride and groom's feelings should be taken into account. The bridal couple must accept that putting restrictions on invitations may mean some guests must decline. It isn't a slight on the bride and groom either, if the guest feels they need to decline, even if they are bridesmaids.

Fluffy24 · 10/04/2016 18:54

hula I was agreeing - my point is that it's easy to say 'you just don't have to go' but if OP is a bridesmaid it's really not that easy for her and unfair of bride to drop her in that position.

Hulababy · 10/04/2016 19:00

Sorry Fluffy - yes, I agree. Bride really should have pointed out this fact to the OP and friends before asking them to commit to being a bridesmaid. It is far easier, and considered far more acceptable, for the bride to bring up the subject than for guests after all. And regardless what some people write, it si still far more common for wedding invitations to include children than to not include them.

Sunshine87 · 10/04/2016 19:10

Op is Yabu about expecting her friend to accomadate her DC. She has available childcare either use it or just don't go

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/04/2016 19:10

Why the patronising comments about child free people not understanding? Just because people don't want your children at their wedding does not mean they don't understand, it's possible that they just don't particularly like children and/or don't want to pay money for them to attend and/or don't want the wedding ruined by unnecessary noise. It doesn't necessarily mean a lack of understanding - it's just that it is your child, your childcare problem!

And to the poster who said that they were amazed at the idea of friends and family under a certain age being banned - You may be friends with their parents but you aren't friends with the baby, surely?

ALemonyPea · 10/04/2016 19:12

Bride should have really mentioned this to you both when asking you to be bridesmaids, that would have been the polite thing to do rather than springing it on you in the invitation.

Is it possible for you/your friend to take your babies with you and have someone look after them in the hotel room during the wedding so you don't need to be apart for too long.

Fluffy24 · 10/04/2016 19:12

You may be friends with their parents but you aren't friends with the baby, surely?

On that basis partners often shouldn't be invited either!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/04/2016 19:31

On that basis partners often shouldn't be invited either!

Well no, not if they are under a certain age!

And lots of people wouldn't invite a friend's partner if they hadn't met him/her, especially if numbers were tight!

My comment was to the poster who said I just find the idea of excluding all family and friends below a certain age from a family and friends event really rather bizarre.

CharlieSierra · 10/04/2016 19:44

Well no sign of the OP; this subject is always good for a bun fight lively debate and actually the whole idea that you'd get to the frock buying stage with 2 bridesmaids with babies and never mention it is a bit far fetched imo.

becciandbump · 10/04/2016 20:30

As someone who has just got married I think you should look at it from her point of view. If we had invited kids to our wedding we would have had over 200 guests to the wedding and we just couldn't afford it. All our friends were very accepting and said it would be great to have a weekend of adult time after all weddings are really an adult affair. We just had children on immediate family to our wedding and it was a lovely day. X