Wedding Invite but no kids!!!

[Bellabutterfly2016]

I think this is just weird;

My friend is getting married in June (we all went to uni together) - there was 4 of us really good friends we lived together for the entire 4 year course. 2 of us have kids, my dd is 5 months and one of the other girls has a newborn and 3 year old twins.

The bride has invited all of us as bridesmaids - we knew about this we've been shopping for dresses and shoes and the bride has paid for them no expense spared either!!!

Anyway I've already bought a dress for my dd and told our other friend with the baby and Twins (all girls) we ordered them all the same from NEXT so they'd look lovely on the photo's. We haven't told the bride as we thought it would be a nice surprise but the surprise was on us.......

Official invite yesterday came and said "sorry no kids"!!! My other friend with kids got hers first as I was out yesterday and phoned me in floods of tears - I must admit I was pretty upset too - I haven't spoken to my friend without kids or the bride I'm in shock!!! I told my mum who said she'd have my daughter (this would be for the weekend as its in a country hotel miles away and we've been booked in fri-sun we just assumed with a travel cot!!!) but that's not the point.

Has anyone else been in this situation and how did you tackle it?

Well you did massively assume she would be inviting your dc. Did you not think to ask during any of the preparations if children were invited?
I do think you and your friend have been a little presumptive buying matching dresses for the dc as a surprise for the bride. If she had wanted little flower girls she would have asked.
It's her wedding she can invite it not invite whoever she and her htb chose.

I do think she is somewhat at fault here though as it's obviously well down the road if preparation etc if you have committed to being bridesmaids etc your dresses are bought etc. She knows you have children but perhaps as she hasn't mentioned them she's assumed you wouldn't be so presumptive to assume they were invited. You and the other bm should have asked months ago before agreeing to be bm for her.

Children at/not at weddings is an emotive topic and for every one who has been at a wedding ruined by screaming toddlers there is one with well behaved children.
Ultimately it is their choice and that's that.

Non parents have a completely different view of children and parents have a completely different view of those own vs other people's.

The problem is everyone assuming everyone is the same as them without actually communicating.

Lots of people saying "perhaps she assumed..." I would have loved..."

If people actually communicated (on both sides) instead of assuming everyone else is identical to themselves then these things wouldn't happen.

Some people love a child free wedding or love going to weddings without their kids - good for them, but that doesn't mean that you assume everyone else loves that.

Some people love to see kids being hilarious on the dance floor and think having all the generations there is what makes a wedding - good for them, but it doesn't mean that you assume everyone else loves that.

I got married before having kids of my own and included kids in the invitations by name (we had a small wedding and only planned it a few months ahead) and was privately slightly disappointed that one friend chose to leave her kids with grandparents - my idea of my informal, outdoor summer wedding involved kids running about having fun :o Didn't mean I could demand they brought their kids though of course :o

I prefer weddings with tons of kids at them. Not need for devastation or hurt, just a practical approach at this stage.

TBH it's surprising the conversation hasn't come up before now. You shouldn't have assumed kids welcome and bride should have made her plans clear.

I would imagine its hard to find weekend childcare for 3 year old twins and a newborn, even if its possible for you to leave your 5 month old. Ring your friend and then speak to the bride. I guess you could leave partners at home and treat it as a university reunion?

Wow I've never ever actually heard of someone's precious children not being invited to someone else's wedding. What to do!

Well the bride isn't being unreasonable wanting a childfree wedding. It's not the route I would go down, but each to their own on that. What she is being unreasonable about it by recruiting you as bridesmaids and then saying childfree. Your friend is obviously being melodramatic with the tears which I'm sure you know, but I can understand why she is shocked this far down the line.

You are being unreasonable to buy matching dresses for the DCs, this is almost by stealth trying to make them part of the wedding party and probably would not have gone down well if the DCs had been invited.

Not sure there is anything you can 'tackle' though. Did the DCs honestly not get mentioned up until this point? Unless there was a conversation you can recall that made it explicitly clear that you had made plans to bring the DCs, you can't really ask her to change her mind. You have childcare options so you should be fine. Just decide between leaving your DD at home or bringing your DM to the wedding.

Can't imagine why you thought having matching dresses for your children would be remotely exciting for the bride - it really does suggest you don't have a proper sense of proportion as to the interest other people have in your children. Likewise assuming they would be invited.
However, she really is remiss on not making the 'no children' rule clear a long while ago. It is not necessary to be a parent to understand the difficulty of breastfeeding a baby when the baby isn't with you - other aspects of logistics are harder to forsee, but not that one.
You (both of you) need to explain why you can't attend, if you can't. But don't mention the dresses!

Good post Schwabisch

To be fair not everyone can get childcare for a baby for a whole weekend! I would have struggled particularly as when my DS was under 6 months he refused a bottle and would only breastfeed. Breastfeeding and leaving a baby for a whole weekend can be very difficult.

I think people without children don't consider these problems enough. Very presumptive that people have access to childcare for a whole weekend too.

Yes, the bride should have told you it was going to be a childfree wedding as soon as she and the groom decided that was the case. That may or may not have been before she asked you to be Bridesmaids. It is what it is.

But it is the bride and groom's choice entirely. No one should be pressured to include children when they have specified no children.

If you want to stand up for her and be there for her at the wedding, go.

If you don't, don't.

That is the only choice you and the other bridesmaid get to make. I sense you're both being overly dramatic about it (floods of tears, really? I hope that was just newborn hormones,), and you both absolutely should have asked if they were invited, too, before buying fancy dresses for babies and toddlers.

If it were me, I would go. She clearly wants you there as she's paid for beautiful dresses for you, etc. She picked you. I hope you pick her back and enjoy a childfree evening.

I have children, and when I get married I fully intend to have a child free wedding with just my children there.
You still have to pay for their food which will be ridiculously over priced & it adds so much cost.
Plus if she has children she probably doesn't want children ruining one of the most important days of her life!
That being said, it is a bit unfair of her to have not mentioned it before!
Take your mum up on the offer and have a fantastic time!

Could you speak to the bride and clarify if this includes your DC?

Don't do this. Brides do not overlook things like this. If your invite says no kids, it includes your kids.

To be honest, it's probably just the difference between where you're at in life and where she is. I have two very close friends - one who is also married with DC and who would be fully aware of the implications of having me as a BM but not inviting my baby (i.e. I wouldn't stay overnight far away) and the other one who is still in early-twenties party mode and wouldn't give it a single thought because it's not on her radar. I wouldn't take offence. Perhaps she should have given more thought to your situation and given you a heads up, but equally child-free weddings are not unusual and you maybe shouldn't have assumed that your DC would be invited.

I'd have a word with her, explain that you jumped to conclusions and assumed that your DC would be invited. You understand that it's her choice and that's fine, but you really don't feel ready to leave your youngest child overnight yet and so that's unfortunately going to make it impossible for you to attend. Of course, if you DO feel like you are willing to leave the baby with your parents, do it! Don't dig your heels in just to make a point.

Also, to echo other comments, even if she does change her mind and let you take your DC, I'd be very careful about dressing them all the same. That would have really pissed me off. I chose BMs and flowergirls myself and would not have been pleased for my friends to make it look like their children were part of the wedding party without even discussing it with me or being asked.

Floods of tears

Get. A. Grip

You don't have to go - if you ask the bride for clarification you are going to look stupid.

As for intending to dress your kids up the same - why would you think the bride would like that, it sounds incredibly twee as a 'surprise' for her. They are bridesmaids or page boys but they are going to look like they are - was that the intention?

If you want to leave your baby and attend, then do so, but if you can't/won't, then don't make a big deal of it. I'm sure the bride will get over it

Can sort of understand the mother of the newborns tears ,she has probably been looking forward to the day etc and is currently in a a sea of nappies and sleeplessness and is now faced with the added ( pretty unsurmountable problem ) of overnight childcare for two three year olds and a newborn , or offending and upsetting the bride .She is allowed to feel frustrated .You seem to have things sorted though .

Anyway I've already bought a dress for my dd and told our other friend with the baby and Twins (all girls) we ordered them all the same from NEXT so they'd look lovely on the photo's. We haven't told the bride as we thought it would be a nice surprise but the surprise was on us.......

Aside from the ridiculously dramatic tears, are you both really so PFB that you thought to surprise a bride on her wedding day by what your children are wearing??

As if she'd give a flying donkey's testicle!

Unless you brought them all along looking like part of the wedding (which it sounds like you would). Then she probably would care. In a wholly negative way.

You and your drama llama friend seriously need to get over yourselves. Nobody cares about other people's kids the way some parents expect them to.

I think people without children don't consider these problems enough. Very presumptive that people have access to childcare for a whole weekend too.

Not really - nobody has to attend. If people want a child free wedding then they have the right to do so, just as people without childcare have the right to decline the invitation.

I would have been upset because at 7 months as the OP's dd will be and at 2 months as the newborn will be, I was still breastfeeding exclusively and so an overnight stay without my baby isn't going to happen.
I think the other lass needs to find childcare for the twins but if she's breastfeeding then the bride will have the choice of a baby in the hotel if not at the wedding or no bridesmaid.

Very presumptive that people have access to childcare for a whole weekend too.

Er, no. It's an invitation. Nobody is obliged to go.

"Very presumptive that people have access to childcare for a whole weekend too.

Not really - nobody has to attend"

I expect the bridesmaids are expected to attend. I think it was presumptive of the bride not to say that the wedding would be child free when she asked the two parents to be bridesmaids.

Child free weddings are totally normal. Some people just want to enjoy themselves without children running around. To be honest, I am really surprised you automatically thought they would be invited. In the weddings I've been to, nearly all of them have been child free.

I think people without children don't consider these problems enough. Very presumptive that people have access to childcare for a whole weekend too.

Not really - nobody has to attend. If people want a child free wedding then they have the right to do so, just as people without childcare have the right to decline the invitation.

Yeah, see I partially agree with both of these perspectives (although not so much that it's people without children that are the sole problem - sometimes people with children don't consider others too!). The B&G have the right to a childfree wedding, no reasonable person could dispute that - it's their right to have the wedding they want. But where they have been unreasonable is by springing this on the OP and her friend at a late stage. The bride has got them to the stage where they are almost obligated to attend because she has spent so much money on them, it would be difficult for the OP and friend to back out now without irreparably damaging the friendship.

If the OP backs out, the B&G will likely think her PFB about leaving the baby who will presumably be 10-11 months old by then. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a baby to be left at this age (the B&G presumably did not obligate the OP to stay the weekend(?)) but also not unreasonable to not want to leave the baby. A bit different with the friend with a newborn, I'd have thought even the most anti-children B&G would see leaving a baby of less than 3 months.

Whatever happens here, I suspect there will be resentment on someone's part.

I think it just sounds like a mis-communication. Child free weddings are very common these days. As other people have mentioned though babes in arms can be different. Is your daughter 5 months now or at the time of the wedding? If the couple won't allow you to bring her (you need to enquire) and you do not feel comfortable leaving with her with your mum then you should politely pull out and explain why. Crying is a massive overreaction imo.

Also, I think I would have been a bit furious if my bridesmaid's children all turned up in surprise matching outfits! They're not let of the wedding party so it's just odd.

I think no kids weddings are fine but I do think it crass of the bride to get as far as buying the bridesmaid dresses and omit to mention that your DC would not be invited.

Floods of tears? Also dressing your children in matching dresses to others will no way be a nice surprise for the bride. She won't care.

It's her wedding, her choice who she invites. It's up to you whether you go. You do not tackle it with her unless you want to be an utter arse.

Some people without kids don't understand or consider what it is like to have kids.

These same people are often the ones who talk about how kids won't change their life while they are expecting their first.

Then they become very PFB.

Then they think that their kid sleeps through the night, is not gender-stereotyped, loves sprouts, and learns to read at 3 because of their marvellous parenting.

Then they have a second child.