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Original poster

Wedding Invite but no kids!!!

192 replies

Bellabutterfly2016 · 10/04/2016 11:44

I think this is just weird;

My friend is getting married in June (we all went to uni together) - there was 4 of us really good friends we lived together for the entire 4 year course. 2 of us have kids, my dd is 5 months and one of the other girls has a newborn and 3 year old twins.

The bride has invited all of us as bridesmaids - we knew about this we've been shopping for dresses and shoes and the bride has paid for them no expense spared either!!!

Anyway I've already bought a dress for my dd and told our other friend with the baby and Twins (all girls) we ordered them all the same from NEXT so they'd look lovely on the photo's. We haven't told the bride as we thought it would be a nice surprise but the surprise was on us.......

Official invite yesterday came and said "sorry no kids"!!! My other friend with kids got hers first as I was out yesterday and phoned me in floods of tears - I must admit I was pretty upset too - I haven't spoken to my friend without kids or the bride I'm in shock!!! I told my mum who said she'd have my daughter (this would be for the weekend as its in a country hotel miles away and we've been booked in fri-sun we just assumed with a travel cot!!!) but that's not the point.

Has anyone else been in this situation and how did you tackle it?

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 10/04/2016 14:20

"Child free weddings are totally normal. Some people just want to enjoy themselves without children running around. To be honest, I am really surprised you automatically thought they would be invited. In the weddings I've been to, nearly all of them have been child free."

In your world child free weddings are normal. In mine it is virtually unheard of. Nearly all the weddings I have been to have been family weddings where it is totally normal to invite the entire family.

"You need to realise that your child is the centre of your universe not anyone else's."

And the bride needs to realise that she isn't the centre of anyone else's universe.

I must admit that I fail to understand why a child making a noise is going to spoil a wedding. If that was going to be the only issue you could always ask the parents beforehand to sit at the back and take the child(ren) out if they start playing up. Also, if the wedding is in a church anyone can come and watch.

unimagimative13 · 10/04/2016 14:24

Nickname, possibly your in the same camp as OP. You would be upset that your children weren't invited to a wedding or would go out of principle that they didn't get an invite.

NicknameUsed · 10/04/2016 14:27

DD is a teenager so a no children rule wouldn't bother me. I have never been invited to a child free wedding anyway, but if I had when DD was little I would have left DD at home with OH because we didn't have any childcare.

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Weddings
SisterMoonshine · 10/04/2016 14:28

Oh no, if only this had all been discussed earlier.
If you want to pull out now, it looks like you're trying to manipulate her into changing her mind. But pulling out is what I would consider with a 4 month old.

LOL at the bride having a wonderful surprise about whatever a couple of babies are wearing though Grin

pieceofpurplesky · 10/04/2016 14:39

It's not a problem though is it as your mum had offered to have the kids. Go and enjoy. At least without kids you won't Have to face the bride's wrath as you try to steal her thunder by making your kids her unofficial bridesmaids. If she wanted identically dressed screaming kids to take part in her day she would have dressed them too.
There is only one party being selfish here and it's not the bride ...

NicknameUsed · 10/04/2016 14:55

I don't think anyone is being selfish here. The basic problem is that assumptions have been made by both parties due to lack of communication.

TheDrsDocMartens · 10/04/2016 14:56

I wouldn't have left my children at

Fluffy24 · 10/04/2016 15:10

So now she has a choice of let down a good friend by not attending which will no doubt piss the bride off or leave her newborn for a whole weekend

I totally understand the flood of tears, in her hormonal state she probably didn't need that dropped on her.

I See both sides but on balance I think that the bride should have made it clear when asking them to be bridesmaids because they don't have the same luxury of just saying 'sorry I can't go' the way an ordinary guest can, plus it's not just a day affair, it'll be the whole weekend.

It's fine to specify a child-free wedding (though I think that in itself is a symptom of the increasing move to the perfect big day being the 'thing' rather than just the first few hours of being married) but it needs to be made clear and the bride needs to be relaxed about some of her guests not attending. A PP said about the bride not being the centre of any of the guests world - this!!

I would prefer to take DS to a wedding unless I was going to be able to be at home again that night and for purely practical reasons would probably need to decline an invite to a whole weekend away affair. If she gave me a hard time about it though I'd probably question our friendship.

unimagimative13 · 10/04/2016 15:22

If the time away is an issue then skip the Friday, travel up Saturday morning . Travel back Saturday night or Sunday morning.

SurroMummy13 · 10/04/2016 15:31

That's fair enough. Her wedding...

LittleMisslovesspiders · 10/04/2016 15:36

A PP said about the bride not being the centre of any of the guests world - this

Neither are your PFB the centre of the brides or anyone elses world either.

Alwaysinahurrynow · 10/04/2016 15:42

I think both sides have been a little naive here. However I think most brides would accept small babies ( I did but my friends were the type that if there was an issue, they would be taken out of the ceremony straightaway).

Can I suggest that you just ring for clarity and say something along the lines of 'my mum has offered to look after X for the weekend, but wanted to make sure that you weren't expecting me to bring him/her'. I think your other friend just had to phone and say she is too young to leave but clearly oh would look after her if she started crying etc'.

Fluffy24 · 10/04/2016 15:48

Agree totally littlemiss but I'm guessing the consternation now is not really because the friends were desperate to go to her wedding, but because the bride is expected to be very unhappy about the prospect of the bridesmaid(s) pulling out and react badly, which puts them in a difficult position.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2016 15:53

It's her wedding. If you don't like it, don't go. I cannot abide small children myself. I have three kids and found toddlerhood excruciating. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding with a lot of kids at it. I don't blame the bride.

NickiFury · 10/04/2016 17:25

Before I joined MN I have never heard of or been to a child free wedding. I still think it's a massively self centred concept. Even so I would never make a fuss over it but with a new born I certainly wouldn't be attending this one and probably not with an older baby either. It's the brides own fault really, she should have let you know sooner.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2016 17:28

Almost as self centred as expecting everyone to accommodate your children.

AntiHop · 10/04/2016 17:31

I would be upset too op. I'd have no one to look after dd so dp and I would have to choose which of us could go. When you're breastfeeding it would be really tricky.

BackforGood · 10/04/2016 17:38

WWYD ? - I'd be really pleased I got to enjoy the wedding without trying to juggle everything with a small unpredictable child with me. I'd say 'Yes Please, thank you very much' to my Mum, and that'd be it.

I can't believe you were so presumptuous as to go buying special dresses for your dc when you hadn't received an invitation for them Confused. I'm also a bit Hmm at getting them all matchy with the other dc when they hadn't been asked to be in the wedding party Hmm. I'm also a bit surprised this hasn't come up in conversation before, when you were planning together / dress fitting etc.

JustMeAndHim · 10/04/2016 17:40

I don't think you can blame the bride, if it hasn't come up before you've assumed that the children are invited when child free weddings are quite common. They are entitled to not want children at their wedding.

That being said you are entitled to decline the invite if you feel you cannot leave your children. That's your prerogative. I don't think there needs to be a drama over it.

Though fwiw if I'd had friends attend my wedding with their kids in pre arranged matching outfits I would have been a bit Hmm It looks like you're trying to make them into bridesmaids and clearly (as children aren't invited!) that wouldn't have been her choice!

Waltermittythesequel · 10/04/2016 17:57

No sign of OP...

chubbyrunner · 10/04/2016 17:59

Nothing wrong with the Bride wanting a child free wedding, it is her day after all. But, given her 2 bridesmaids both have very young children, I think I would have brought it with my bridesmaids and said I wasn't inviting children so that if you weren't in the position to have childcare for the weekend, you could have let her know before expensive dresses were purchased. I'm surprised she had t discussed with you, I told my bridesmaids most details about my wedding plans so I could have some planning help and ideas

NickiFury · 10/04/2016 18:03

I don't, expect anyone to accommodate my children. Never have. I just find the idea of excluding all family and friends below a certain age from a family and friends event really rather bizarre.

PurpleDaisies · 10/04/2016 18:05

I just find the idea of excluding all family and friends below a certain age from a family and friends event really rather bizarre.
I am not friends with my friends' children. They do not have to be invited whenever we meet up (nor would they always want to bring them along)

NickiFury · 10/04/2016 18:10

You don't have to try and convince me why it's ok. I've been on MN for many years and have never changed my mind. I doubt I ever will.

pinkcan · 10/04/2016 18:15

We were invited to a no kids wedding. DD was 3 weeks old and a premie who'd not reached her due date and the couple didn't want kids there. Last time we ever spoke to them - no falling out, just fell off our radar and no interest in them really. Yes it's their right and choice to have a child free wedding but also our choice not to bother with them anymore. I do understand people not wanting a room full of toddlers as I'm not fond of them and their antics myself but really if people who are important to you have small kids, you have to try and work with them rather than just washing your hands of the matter and saying no kids and not giving a shit about the chaos caused for some.