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Original poster

A horrible, horrible thing happened****warning, potential trigger****

249 replies

JustDontWantToSay · 29/06/2014 09:14

I'm going to keep this as vague as possible because I don't want my friend to find out.
Last night I stayed with my friend and her husband - known them a long time, stayed many times before.
We went out for dinner, we'd all been drinking (not silly amounts) and then we sat down to watch a film. I fell asleep during the film and when I woke up my friend had gone to bed and her husband had changed the channel to soft core porn and had his fingers inside me. I immediately pushed him away but he was resistant and when I managed to scramble away he started a conversation about the porn! I was so utterly shocked that I just left the room immediately and went to bed.
I've now woken up, I'm still here, WWYD??

OP posts:
BeCool · 03/07/2014 22:32

I'm so glad you went to the police and feel stronger for it. That was one of the main reasons so many here were urging you to report. To help you, as well as being important to not let his disgusting behaviour be under rug swept.

I very much hope that he is punished too.

And you are right HE did this to his family and you. He did it. His responsibility 100%.

Well done you - hope you get a good nights sleep. Keep posting as you process stuff if it is helpful and supportive for you as we will be here.

victrixludorem · 03/07/2014 22:39

Flowers I admire you OP. You are wise and brave. I completely understand women NOT reporting (and I mean completely), but having women with the courage/support/strength to report is the only way we will protect future victims.

SanityClause · 03/07/2014 22:41

You sound so much clearer and stronger now Just than in your OP, and other early posts.

I know this is very difficult for you, but you are so strong, and handling it brilliantly.

Flowers for you.

WellWhoKnew · 03/07/2014 22:54

And when that little voice in your head quietly speaks to you.

It may encourage you to reassess your sense of perspective:

That little voice will ensure you inwardly blame yourself for what happened.

Just answer it by reading this thread and let us shout at you:

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Again, well done. And, thank you.

tribpot · 03/07/2014 23:10

Even what he's been put through already is more than most abusers get, OP. Most of them get away with this scott-free for years and years. Because everyone it happened to has the same initial reaction that you did.

I feel very sorry for his wife - she's also a victim in this. But a victim of him, not of you. You did the right thing.

LiberalLibertines · 04/07/2014 08:52

Morning Just I'm so pleased to read your later posts, hearing your determination that this will not drag you down is wonderful.

I wonder how many of his wife's friends he's done this to, he was certainly brazen and confident about doing it to you.

I hope he's devastated.

Stay strong, and keep posting if it helps x

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 04/07/2014 13:15

Update: he will be arrested on Tuesday morning. They are anticipating a trial.
He's just so disgusting I can't even think about it.

OP posts:
juneau · 04/07/2014 13:32

Why the wait to arrest him - are they gathering more evidence?

GarlicJulyKit · 04/07/2014 13:32

Fantastic! The thought must be horrible for you now. My advice, if it helps, is to let yourself feel all the anger & disgust. Document it if you can: on here, in a diary, with the police, with a counsellor, a level-headed friend - or all of them! Once you've worked it through, you'll be able to reach a position of justified contempt (possibly not the right word) for your abuser and I think it will help to know he's being called to public account.

As there's going to be a trial, it's likely someone else has complained. I wouldn't be surprised if it's his wife. You might remember more instances while you work through your fury, and it might help the police to hear about them. Your feelings about what's happened will help the court, too.

He is disgusting! Revolting, cruel behaviour.

Massive well done, Just Flowers

GarlicJulyKit · 04/07/2014 13:35

Sorry, I meant to add that "They are anticipating a trial" means they think that by Tuesday they will have sufficient evidence to believe he can be convicted of a crime.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/07/2014 13:37

That is very good news, Just. Genuine and purely nosy question though - why are they waiting until Tuesday to arrest him? I know nothing of how these things work, but surely he could just do a runner? I suppose since the system is notorious for not taking these things seriously, he thinks he has nothing to worry about. I sincerely hope he is proved wrong.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/07/2014 13:38

X-posts, thanks for that Garlic. I guess there must be someone else who has reported him, then.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/07/2014 13:41

Wow, well done, Just! You are amazing!

Thanks for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Have the police offered you any support? It might be worth talking things through with a counsellor.

owlbegoing · 04/07/2014 13:44

Are you in the UK OP?
A week from you giving a statement to him being arrested seems like a long time! Shock
If he is drugging your friends friends then what if she's got other friends coming over? He could target them too!

GarlicJulyKit · 04/07/2014 13:47

I doubt she'll be inviting any women over - if she's even still in the same house with him.

Glenshee · 04/07/2014 13:58

JustDontWantToSay, well done. There's not a hint of a doubt that his wife will benefit from you reporting the incident too. It's unfair on her to have no other choice but base her understanding of the situation solely on his words (probably lies). You have done the right thing. Stay strong!

RahRahRasputin · 04/07/2014 14:05

I'm so pleased that you've reported him and that it has helped you to realise that this is all his fault. None of this is your fault. He could easily have avoided all of this by not sexually abusing you.

Flowers well done for reporting him.

Have they explained what will be expected of you next? (no need to say what it is here, I'm just hoping you will have some preparation and support for the trial) do you have some real life support?

notapizzaeater · 04/07/2014 14:13

That's good news.

Have the police offered any counselling ?

DoctorTwo · 04/07/2014 14:29

I felt immensely guilty about his wife and child but I'm being urged to believe that HE did this to them through his behaviour - not me through reporting.

Exactly this. You are incredible, a force of nature. I take my hat off to you Thanks

MrsJoeDolan · 04/07/2014 18:25

You are AMAZING

IvyBeagle · 04/07/2014 18:55

I wonder if they found traces of a drug in your system or dna?

Stay strong :)

glenthebattleostrich · 04/07/2014 19:02
Thanks
SauvignonBlanche · 04/07/2014 19:17

All the best for the days ahead Flowers

maxybrown · 07/07/2014 18:27

Hope you're doing ok OP

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 08/07/2014 00:50

Sad post from me tonight. My elder DD has only just gone to bed so I can post now. It's summer holidays btw before I get flamed as an irresponsible parent!!
Tomorrow's a big day. He will be arrested tomorrow morning and interviewed, etc. By mid-afternoon I will know what he says. For those asking they have waited until Tuesday to arrest him because they organise it by telephone. I guess that's the earliest he could go into the station. It's a non-urgent crime, you see. I don't mind - this can drag on for as long as it likes. I'm in no rush and every day that goes past will presumably be a mass of anxiety for him.

Anyway, the sad bit. I am completely alone. I have no-one to talk to, no-one who knows about tomorrow and absolutely no-one to care about me. I know that sounds all pathetic and 'poor me' but I've never needed anyone to be there for me before and now I do. But there isn't anyone. My parents know but they live far away and they're tied up with jobs and my younger siblings, etc. My sister lives abroad, my b/f appears to have left me without actually confirming it, just ignores my messages and my exH tells me it's my fault that I'm in this situation and no he won't do anything to make life easier for me. I have virtually no money (long story) and as of mid-week I won't have a car. It's laughable, really. Just a sequence of events. But how much more until I crack??

I discovered something over the weekend which I think will help my case. It's a note on my phone, written on the night of the assault, straight after, detailing what happened and saying that I told him to stop but he didn't. Which I had forgotten. I'd forgotten speaking, I mean. But I did. I said "No, stop, stop" and he didn't.

My b/f - am I wrong to expect more care?? He knows exactly what I'm going through. We had some problems before so this hasn't been an easy thing to get past but honestly - if you love someone then surely you just fucking care?!? I suppose maybe he just can't deal with it. I don't know, I just couldn't behave like that. But it must be difficult for him.

Anyway, enough of this pity post for now! Grin I'm concentrating on launching a new business so it isn't all dreadful at the moment. I shall come back and update tomorrow. Once again - thank you all, it's so pathetic to write but at the moment I really have no one but you guys to talk to.

OP posts: