My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

I went to work there to avoid a bullying head. Jobs weren’t two a penny. I went into boarding because restructuring made the travel financially difficult. I didn’t know I’d disagree with it until I worked in it either… I do have some reservations about the morality of buying privilege, but I had few choices at the time.
There is no input on parental choices. I am, as it happens, friends with a parent whose child came for sixth form and boarded as we met at a hobby after. We have discussed it and neither of us think it would be a good choice for anyone below sixth form.

That’s exactly what people have said though. They have to ask for contact. And if a child woke at 2am and wanted mum? Would they go and wake a house parent? Would the house parent phone home? It’s not the same access, dont try to pretend it is.

of course every school has a phone policy but we can only go on what the OP says about her school and their policy. Personally I wouldn’t want a barrier in place between my very young child being able to contact me or not, but I wouldn’t send them away for a variety of reasons so it’s not going to impact me. I probably place a very high value on relationships and attachment style though and lots of kids turn out just fine with parents who make different choices to me.

And what?? That’s a decent parenting decision that most parents make?

So you’re saying a child might be desperate to talk to mum and be told tough, the answer’s no?

Ex-boarder here. Made the link between alcoholism and boarding school a few years ago, when I discovered MOST AA meetings have at least one ex-boarder in them at every meeting. Sometimes half of the meetings....

No other demographic is as well represented.

And I travel far and wide.

Oh, and if you think boarding schools are different now. Well, it's also fair to say child psychology is better understood today.

Almost no studies advocate separating a child from the family home. Even if your parents are ambivalent to you, you still have attachments to your bed, your local community, your toys, your pets, your routines and your developing agency.

Chucking a child in an institution is the last resort in a healthy society.

Do you think, having read all of the OP’s posts, that her children were “chucked in an institution” in the same manner you were?

I don’t have any judgement for others but I can’t imagine sending my kids away to any institution for 5 days a week. I’d worry endlessly, feel guilty constantly, I’d miss them and I know that I would miss huge chunks of their daily life that I’d never get back.

'Oh, and if you think boarding schools are different now. Well, it's also fair to say child psychology is better understood today. Almost no studies advocate separating a child from the family home'

Exactly. 'Pastoral' care may be better than in the 80s but it doesn't change the fact that young kids need their parents mon to fri, not just at a weekend. It should be obvious. Oh but extra curricular activities 🙄.

Never said I'm the 'best Mum', just I put their welfare first not how many sports trophies they can win.

What on earth do you mean pride comes before a fall? You think I'm going to face retribution for having our own dc living in the family home not in a dorm with paid staff?

So you think you are better parent than any single person who has their kids away from them?

You did.

Have you children of your own ?
If so, are you 100% sure that everything you do for them is right?

Your reply

Yes and yes. Hope that helps.

So you think that everything you've ever done for them is right. (In your opinion.)

We weren't discussing their welfare. Or sports.
We were discussing making the right decisions.

Can you accept that other people might not think you have.
Or agree with the choices you've made for your children.
Or that your children may (in the future) think you didnt always make the right choices?

'You did.'

'Have you children of your own ?
If so, are you 100% sure that everything you do for them is right?'

Where did I say I was the 'best Mum'? Surely many of us put our kids welfare first over extracurricular activities? (Or should!) That obviously doesn't make me 'the best Mum' just a very normal one. Your bar seems so very low.

I mean Boarding School Syndrome is a recognised problem. There has been lots of studies about it and the conclusions are not great. I think most children given the option would rather do with their family. I say this as someone who has an incredibly dysfunctional brother that I believe is a result of his boarding school upbringing.

D you not mean what you said?

I've quoted it for you.

If so, are you 100% sure that everything you do for them is right?

Your reply was Yes.

Most parents accept they are trying to do the right thing but accept they don't always get it all right- especially with hindsight.

I didn't mention sports etc. You've been going on about sports as if that's the only extra thing that a boarding school can offer.

How ridiculous.
Some excel at the performing arts, music, (singing and instruments), and so on.

I'm not going to continue to discuss because you're posting from a place of a lack of undertstanding on this type of education.

Your only argument is it's not good for the little darlings to be separated from mummy and daddy for a few nights a week in their teens.

No acknowledgement of the benefits, how it works for some families, etc.

It applies mainly to children who board at primary age, not age 13 which is more the norm now, with flexi boarding too.

I agree 7 is too young.

My ex partner was one of those.

I have knowledge though @GingerPopp .
i have acknowledged that some children’s home lives mean they are in a more stable situation in boarding and also that some exceptionally talented and driven students benefit from the opportunities specialist schools (or schools with great flexibility) provide, at least in the later teens.
I still believe that nothing boarding provides is worth more than the benefits of staying at home while studying at school for students not in either of those categories. The vast majority of boarding students, including, as far as we can tell, the OP’s children, don’t fall into one of those two categories.

Are these gross salaries or net? Assuming gross, so tax taken out of those numbers, boarding for two seems like it would be taking up a huge amount of your income.

What factors meant you can justify spending such a large proportion of your income? (Or are fees covered by GPs / some other source?)

Do you worry about your kids being a bit sheltered by boarding?

I know many adults who boarded who are very well adjusted and successful, there are a lot of negative stereotypes, but sounds like you’re kids are getting a lot out of boarding.

Can you accept that other people might not think you have.Or agree with the choices you've made for your children.Or that your children may (in the future) think you didnt always make the right choices?'

No, people who know us would not think that, yes they would agree with our choices, no our dc would never think we didn't make the right choices for them.

We have capable, confident successful dc. That obviously doesn't make me <checks notes> 'the Best Mum' just a normal one.

'Your only argument is it's not good for the little darlings to be separated from mummy and daddy for a few nights a week in their teens'

Do try not to be so disingenuous.

Our teens had and attended sleepovers! They stayed at relatives occasionally. Normal activities, they were 'separated from Mummy and Daddy' for appropriate lengths of time.

However at aged 11, just out of primary school they did not live in school premises mon to fri, returning only for weekends and jollies. That is neither appropriate nor putting kids emotional welfare first.

I would add another category - children who do not live within reasonable travelling distance of a secondary school. They may make up only a small proportion of the school aged population but children from sparsely populated rural areas without seconday schools do exist. Boarding may be their only viable way to attend school. I think in those circumstances I'd have picked weekly boarding over home education for my children.

Like the more remote Scottish islands? Yes, that seems largely unavoidable too.

It applies to all ages, granted young children who leave home at a very young age tend to experience the most severe form of the trauma but it’s definitely a secondary thing too.

'just out of primary school' aged children can all be very different beasts @Gloriia mine turns 12 in three weeks, is emotionally very mature, the 'mother' of her friendship group. She would absolutely love to board with her friends 4 nights a week and do extra curriculars every evening, then come home to our family at the weekend. Best of both worlds. Starting secondary is not always that young if they children have been raised independently and have natural maturity.

My other child is very clingy (possibly due to medical trauma in childhood. At 11 I very much doubt they would be ready to board at all. The school residential will be fun, sleepovers and holidays with friends and relations yes, but not a long term deal with 4 nights away a week.

I would not allow either of mine to board, I am not ready to loose them. Selfishly I want more time with them before they grow up and move away. But that has very much more to do with my needs than theirs.

The type of boarding OP is talking about sounds to me like a really good option for some children, but granted, a really bad option for others. OP has said her children chose that, requested the chance to board and were granted it - I really worry about the number of people saying that 11 year olds cannot possibly be taken seriously in that decision as they don't know what's best for them. Squashing them like that is in my opinion worse than allowing them to go to a part time boarding school to see what its like with the option to quit if it turns out they were wrong.

It’s a fantastic opportunity for them. Supported by a family who have said they can stop boarding any time they want. Given they’ve continued for so long, it’s clearly been a success.