My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

No. As @Gloriia says I’d have the non military parent stay in one place with the children and the military parent be the one separated from the family.
I can see having 2 parents in the military is tricky, but as I’ve said before - if my job meant I had to send my youngest child to boarding school I’d change my job.

I'm all ears. I keep checking in to see if there are any sensible arguments for why an 11yr old may be better off living in a school accommodation, cared for by staff and only seeing parents at weekends and hols.

The only convincing one imo is if their home life is so very miserable if they are neglected/abused etc then yes, it's an escape and will of course reduce the harm, like care in general be it state or private.

Other than that then nope extra curricular activities should most definitely not trump a full time family life. They go to to uni, they won't be under your feet forever!

What would you do if your child was a gifted and talented tennis player, so much that you and they believed they could make it, and the school that offered a scholarship and they produced intentional champions, and they would give your child specialist training and support, enabling them to compete in the international scene.but that school is 3 hours away. You have 3 other children all settled in school, one going into GCSEs etc.
Would you send them away to boarding school to enable this opportunity? Or deny them this opportunity?

You can replace tennis player with any other elite sport

Or dance school etc.

Coaching is available everywhere these days and if they're that good they'll excel in any school. How many football or tennis stars attended boarding school?!

That isn't what we're talking about generally though, we're talking about parents sending their 11yr olds away because they do a bit of lovely theatre costume making or sailing and it makes life easier for the parent.

no no, come on you said you couldn't see any good reason no matter what.

Do you genuinely think attending Standard High School A and an external tennis coach would give the same opportunity as a tennis special school that offers specialist coaching, reduced timetables, onsite training facilities is the same?

I was saying there might be good reasons, which this could be one. You know not all coaching is the same. And yes there are elite athletes at boarding schools because of the provision and the fact they're up at 5am to go to training for 2 hours before school, on a reduced timetable, competing all over the world etc.

Same for things like dancers, they attend places like Trig as boarders to dedicate themselves to the art, because their family live in a city 200 miles away etc

Also, another valid reason is political instability. Pretend you are Ukrainian,and you had the opportunity to send your children to the UK. You realise that the war will not end soon. Boarding schools offered free places to pupils... Would you not even consider the possibility of sending your child away for their safety?

and not even having a way to contact you to let know - having to ask someone to see if they would let you speak to your parents. So glad it’s okay in OPs case but yikes!

No one can convince you as you have a fixed viewpoint @Gloriia .

I've worked in a boarding school,spent a lot of my career in contact with schools and parents in the private sector, but clearly nothing I or anyone else can tell you is going to change your mind.

You're entitled to an opinion of course, but it's worth trying to have a slightly more open mindset because people with experience of the sector have just that- experience- whereas you don't.

It would take too long to discuss every single reason why boarding can be helpful for some students but you're not open to even considering those.

Just bear in mind that full time boarding for a term at a time is quite rare now. Most boarding is from age 13 (following prep school) so that's from Year 9. And most children now do flexi boarding - weekly or occasional nights.

Life isn't black and white you know- it's not one size fits everyone, always.

Don't you have a magic rectangle? Doesn't your child?

I think you all must imagine boarding school is like something from Mallory Towers where they have a shower a week, have to queue up to use the only phone where Mildred in upper V steals your 10 pence and make two phone calls and you have a matron that says "enough of this crying nonsense" smacks your bottom and sends you to solitary....

This idea that there is training and extra curricular activities “everywhere” that rival private schools is complete bollocks. Children board to be choristers and all manner of things.

The crux of the matter in this thread is the OP’s children asked to board weekly. They are happy and like their balance of boarding and home life.

Wtf is a magic rectangle??

(I mean, when I was little there was the magic E, but I doubt that concept would fly nowadays... 😂)

Of course there are good reasons. A good friend of mine teaches in a music school. Boarders come from all over the world. They produce world class musicians. The opportunities open to them because of their talent are incredible. But no, someone with an axe to grind wants to convince themselves they would do just as well staying at home and practising with a tutor a few times a week 🙄

As has been said over and over again on this thread, these types of exceptional circumstances are rare in boarding anyway. The vast majority of boarders board weekly or flexi now from senior school age. Parents are not “shopping children off” any more.

'No one can convince you as you have a fixed viewpoint '

True. I believe 11yr olds should live at home fulltime and that parenting isn't a weekend hobby.

So far we've had abused kids do better in care/boarding, this I will sadly agree with and now oh but choristers and athletes who cannot access any training locally need to board. The excuses are getting flimsier.

Young kids need their parents, fulltime. The fact that some of you think parenting is a part time hobby and paid staff are just as good is a bit worrying tbh.

Why are choristers and musicians a flimsy excuse to you?

Young kids need their parents, fulltime. The fact that some of you think parenting is a part time hobby and paid staff are just as good is a bit worrying tbh.

You are completely disingenuous.

My child doesn’t board and very likely never will. But some of the instruments they tutor in couldn’t be offered anywhere else.

Actually, I’m on the ‘boarding is usually wrong’ camp, but children with exceptional talent should be allowed to pursue it I think. It’s a rare thing to have both the talent and the passion to be world class and if boarding is the way to facilitate that, especially for the arts where opportunities are woefully thin, then I think that is one good reason.
What I don’t think is a good enough reason is slightly better Co-curricular for average kids who would enjoy a variety of hobbies and interests.
Edit: that ‘average’ sounds disparaging. Not what I meant. Kids with average abiilities/an average range of abilities would be closer.

Why send your children away ?

That’s an odd and slightly concerning response - did you read the full thread? The OP said her children weren’t allowed to use their phones near bedtime (a heightened time for feeling alone and needing comfort) so they had to ask to contact her when they first went there? I have no idea what a magic rectangle is but I absolutely check in with my children frequently and would never want them in a position where they weren’t able to access a parent. So many times it would be fine but sometimes it wouldn’t be. As a psychologist working with children, I believe attachment to the primary caregiver is vital to emotional wellbeing and good mental health in later life and I wouldn’t like the rule about having to ask before contacting parents. I honestly can’t think of any reason why would you prefer someone control your access to your children and based on your previous response, I doubt I’ll get a reasonable answer.

The school will have a tech policy and will keep phones from younger children for obvious reasons. Children will not be prevented from contacting their parents at any point they want to.

It is very obvious why the younger children will not have 24 hour access to smart phones.

Magic rectangle is your mobile phone.

Mobile phone 😁

Look up the story of Filip Nowacki - he’s just won Commonwealth Gold in swimming having been “packed off” to boarding school 🙄 Lived in Jersey where they don’t have a 50m pool and his coach recognised he needed more. Had he stayed at home he wouldn’t have progressed and had the success he has. He’s now tipped to do well at the next Olympics.

The thought that talented and exceptional children can access high quality coaching and extra curriculars anywhere is naive at best. And some children don’t discover their talent until they are exposed to it at a high quality independent / boarding school.

Filip Nowacki moved to a school on the mainland in 2024 so that would make him 16 at the time. A year later he was winning medals so he’s clearly an exceptional talent. What’s that got to do with OP’s children, who don’t have an exceptional talent as far as we know, starting boarding school at age 11?

I think you’d be hard pushed find anyone opposed to Filip moving to boarding school. It’s 11 year olds going for no compelling reason that’s the issue here.

The compelling reason is they want to, they enjoy it, and they have a nice balance of joining in boarding with friends 4 nights a week, and being at home the rest of the time and over the long holidays.

Oh well if they enjoy it and want to them just let them, 11 year olds can clearly make these sort of decisions without parental input. Maybe next they’ll decide they want to start drinking or riding pillion on the back of a motorbike because they enjoy it and want to.

You are being disingenuous, you know full well there is a world of difference between a 16 year old boarding in order to help fulfil an already proven ability in sport and an 11 year old boarding just because they want to. You also know that there is a big difference in maturity between a 16 year old and an 11 year and their ability to make sensible decisions.

'Oh well if they enjoy it and want to them just let them, 11 year olds can clearly make these sort of decisions without parental input. Maybe next they’ll decide they want to start drinking or riding pillion on the back of a motorbike because they enjoy it and want to'

It'd be hilarious is it wasn't so concerning. 11yr olds know what's best for them .