AMA My marriage started as an affair.

[LavenderRoseBush]

I’ve been contemplating this post for a while and been hesitant for obvious reasons. But I’ve seen a few posts recently making the assumption that people who have affairs are somehow a breed apart, rather than a significant proportion of the population. So here goes!

To pre-empt the most obvious questions: we were both married, and neither of us had kids.

How long do you think it will be before one of you cheats again?

And why did you both bother getting married again when you clearly didn't stick to your vows first time around? Couldn't you have just lived together instead?

Do you enjoy being piled on, on MN?

How did your affair start? Was the secrecy and the cheating part of the allure?

🍿

I wouldn’t put a time frame on it. While our marriage is happy and we keep communicating through problems, we won’t. If we stop, then it’s a possibility.

I guess we decided to get married for a mix of romanticism “this time will be different” and pragmatism for the financial security and tax benefits. We did have a tiny wedding though.

I don’t mind tbh 😂 I’m quite argumentative. But I’m hoping at least some people will ask sincere questions.

How long was the affair and how did you get found out?

Why did you have the affair though? And how long were you both married for, before the affair started?

Have you ever felt guilty or remorseful about cheating on your first husband.

If you want a truly sincere question, then I guess I have one.

Why did you not both have the decency to end your first marriages before getting involved with each other? I get that communication can be poor, relationships can deteriorate, people can be unhappy etc. But I don't understand how anyone with any integrity doesn't end their existing relationship before starting a new one.

How did both families react? Does anyone still keep in contact with first husband/wife
If so

How did it start? How did you meet?

did you get caught?

when did you know to leave your marriage if not?

how is your first DH?

What was the main reason for the affair to start? Was your marriage/ex husband not the one and do you think your current husband is the one? Did you still love your now ex husband when the affair started?

Did your spouses find out about the affair or did you tell them first?
Who left their spouse first or did you both go together?
How long was the affair before you realised you wanted to make it a full relationship?
Who pursued whom ( if either did) ?
What do you tell people when they ask how long you have been together and how you met?
How often did you meet when you were having the affair? And where?
No judgement from me OP. I'm genuinely interested.

Did you love your first husband?. If so can you explain how the love ended?.

Did you have any inkling when you got married the first time that it wasn’t right? What’s different with your affair partner?

How did it start? How did your exes find out?

Do you think the way your relationship started has had/will have long term effects on your marriage?

Do you feel you can really trust him knowing he was capable of having an affair?

Just reading the questions and I can’t help feeling that people assume ending a marriage is a snap and easy decision. It can take an age…

so I don’t believe it is as simple as having the decency to end a marriage before getting involved.

(am not condoning affairs but I just don’t believe that it is black and white and people who engage in affairs are the devil incarnate.)

OP, are you happy with your life choices? What was the hardest part about revealing your affair and how many people were hurt in the crossfire?

Does it now massively put you off your husband that you have literally seen him in action telling bare face lies and being sneaky? Is it possible for you to now trust him, or even respect him as a person?

Do you now have kids? Do you think that would’ve changed things if you had any in the first marriage?

We were all friends at a party (with spouses there). Everyone getting pissed and we ended up being quite cuddly on the sofa and holding hands under a cushion. Nothing else physical happened but we knew we had crossed a line. Didn’t talk for a week, then a phone call “to clear the air” which instead turned into “of course I love you”. Then endless messaging for weeks, with occasional “oh god this has to stop”. Met up in person “to sort this out properly” - who were we kidding!? and of course ended up kissing. A couple more months and a “break up” later and we arranged to get a hotel which was when we first slept together. By that point we were completely gone emotionally.

I hated the secrecy. DH wasn’t so fussed about it but neither of us were getting off on it!

So you were friends with his XW and he with your XH? How did that go down?

General ask all of Mumsnet AAOM

Why when there’s any mention of affairs or infidelity or cheating that it becomes vicious free for all? Do posters not get that of course everyone knows it’s awful to lie & cheat but sometimes it might be worth listening? And there are far worse things going on.

Seems you took your time, and doesn’t really sound seedy to me. It’s what humans do occasionally. We all only have one life and if you’ve found the love of your life then that’s something to celebrate