AMA My marriage started as an affair.

[LavenderRoseBush]

I’ve been contemplating this post for a while and been hesitant for obvious reasons. But I’ve seen a few posts recently making the assumption that people who have affairs are somehow a breed apart, rather than a significant proportion of the population. So here goes!

To pre-empt the most obvious questions: we were both married, and neither of us had kids.

I’ve answered why it started up thread 😊

I don’t believe in “the one” although my ex definitely wasn’t 😅 I absolutely adore my husband though, I feel truly grateful that I was able to end up married to him and have him be the father of my children.

Great question re whether I loved my ex husband! I suppose… I never stopped wanting him to be okay, and to be happy, and to live a fulfilled life. I still wish him well. I did lose all respect for him though, and for a time really loathed him. The affair compounded this - I was not subtle (on the edge of wanting to be caught I guess) and he was utterly clueless. If you were being nice, you could say it’s because he trusted me. The reality is he was completely checked out of the marriage and if it wasn’t on a computer screen or in a pint glass, it didn’t exist.

My now husband started as an affair. Best thing I ever did. We’ve been married nearly 20 very happy years and I got away from the original poisonous dwarf 👍🏻

😂

His ex-W was suspicious, my ex-H was clueless. However neither found out definitively about the affair. My now-DH told both when we officially got together, two years after I left my ex and 18 months after he left his.

I left my ex first, and ended the affair shortly after because DH told me he wouldn’t leave his wife. I knew I wanted kids and wasn’t prepared to waste time. I also suspected he was a little too
comfortable living with having an affair, and wouldn’t make any changes unless I made it clear I wasn’t going to be the OW indefinitely.

If by full relationship, you mean turn it from affair to marriage, babies etc - within weeks we were lamenting the impossibility of that ever happening (yes it was all very angst-filled!) I think I slightly led it at first, but also dramatically ended it every few weeks/months while he clung on. It was exhausting tbh, I sometimes think I wouldn’t have an affair again simply because I don’t have the energy!

We tell people a version of the truth, just omit the part where we had an affair. We knew each other for years. We married other people. We split up with them. We have an “official” start date which is when we actually did finally get back together, post affair, post all breakups.

We would meet probably at most twice a week, at its most steady we rarely went longer than 10 days or so. We had lots of mutual friends so saw each other naturally that way, although obviously couldn’t be snogging then (although we were less subtle than we should have been when our spouses weren’t around, and definitely raised some eyebrows). On our own we would mostly meet in public. We used to have a regular date night at a pub quiz, as bizarre as that sounds! Some rolling around in parks like a pair of teenagers. We booked hotels every couple of months - he travelled for work so it was easy to extend a trip by a night and my ex was completely incurious about where I might be going.

I think you want Mumsnetters to justify your choices by saying how common it is. Whether it’s common or not doesn’t make it okay. It’s like a teenager arguing with their parents, “But everyone else does it! All my friends do it! I’m fifteen, why can’t I go on a mini break to Ibiza with my thirty-two year old boyfriend?” And have you MET Mumsnetters? They are MERCILESS. They will eviscerate you.

I did love ex-H very much. The love was eroded after many years of picking up the pieces of his various mental health issues, addictive personality and serial lying. I lost all respect and trust for him. I’m not trying to excuse the affair when I say I truly believe, after much reflection, that it was his actions that wrecked the marriage. If DH and I hadn’t worked out, or had never happened, I would still be grateful to be out of that relationship.

Was it love at first sight?
would you ever look at anyone else or is the connection you have with dh to strong for that?
Do you feel the relationship you have now is strong?

No way will this OP's husband not cheat again.

Had either of you had affairs previously? And if your DH cheated on you one day, do you think you could forgive him or would you end the marriage?

What does that have to do with anything? That doesn’t affect whether they have a happy lasting marriage. The whole family is estranged from Harry in any case so it’s not particularly important what he thinks.

Do you view things differently now you have kids?

Do you think you would have made the same choices if kids were in the mix at the time of the affair?

I’m not necessarily judging you, OP…

My DH was in a long-term relationship and living with his partner when we met, although not married and no kids. We met at work and had what I suppose you’d call an emotional affair for about 6 months (we kissed, but nothing else physical).

I ended it because I felt awful sneaking around and it seemed pointless to let myself develop any further feelings for him. The very next day he told his partner he had strong feelings for someone else and ended the relationship. She moved out, he bought her out of their flat and within a few months we were in quite a serious relationship.

We have been together 25 years, married with young adult children. Never had any sniff of infidelity, although I know nothing is guaranteed. He has been a wonderful, devoted husband and father to date.

I do feel bad about how it started. His ex went on to marry and have a child and seems to have led a happy life, but as a more mature woman, I would never dream of getting involved with an attached man if I were single now and I would think badly of any married or attached man that pursued me.

The fact you were friends with each other’s partners at the time and were having clandestine handholds when you were all together is a bit…unsavoury. I don’t know if I could trust someone who could do that.

But perhaps you have both changed. I actually do believe people can change and look back on an affair and think ‘I would never do that again’. I know that’s certainly the case for me.

Okay, maybe I’m a moral vacuum too, but I actually don’t think this sounds that bad. It’s hardly a years-long affair with you shagging your paramour in your marital bed whilst your kids slept. I’m guessing you were pretty young too, not two people with long histories of infidelity.

I met my now-DH while engaged to someone else and whilst I did dump my then-fiancé before sleeping with my now- husband, I didn’t wait very long after to seal the deal (as it were) afterwards (about a day and a half!) The truth of the matter was that I didn’t really love my fiancé, had been swept up in the relationship on the rebound after having my heart badly broken and just fell in love with my husband when we became colleagues. We’ve been married for 15 years and I don’t think he ever wonders if I’m going to cheat on him like I did to my fiancé…. The relationships are like night and day in terms of difference to one another and he knows that there’s never been a moments hesitation for me (and I know the same for him with me too).

Life is messy, people are messy, relationships are messy. Sounds like you’re aware of all of those facts.

We never “revealed the affair” as such - we broke up, ended our marriages, eventually got back together and came out with the new relationship. I was very anxious about it, but the overwhelming reaction from anyone who knew us was somewhere between “yeah saw this coming years ago” and “oh wow you guys are perfect for each other!”

I would obviously prefer not to have had an affair, if for no other reason than it was bloody miserable at the time! Tbh though if I’m going to start wishing to rewrite the past, I’d go a few years further back and never have married my ex. There is an alternative universe where DH and I ended those relationships in our early 20s, we already knew each other and could have got together with minimal angst. On the other hand, I do think having an affair has given me a certain perspective on life. I would never have thought I would prior, and it’s definitely made me both less naive and less judgmental of human failings than I think I would have been, which I suppose is a positive.

I think I can truthfully say the only people hurt were our exes. My family were quietly delighted when I left ex (my mother more vocally!) his family are very live and let live. I think my ex-in laws were upset when the marriage ended, but they never knew about the affair. I lost one friend who chose to stay friends with his ex-W, but there was nothing dramatic, it just fizzled.

Yes. Unfortunately there were many episodes that with hindsight, experience and maturity, were clear red flags. I chalked them up to him being young (as if I wasn’t - unhealthy parent-child dynamic already established!)

What was and is different with my now-husband is it’s a relationship of equals. We respect each other, and communicate very intentionally about our relationship. We’ve already been through some tough times with money and health, but we have faced them as a team.

I used to think it would, but I can honestly say it doesn’t. I think what I learnt is that in the right/wrong circumstances, anyone can have an affair, and it’s naive to think otherwise. So we focus on making sure those circumstances don’t arise.

Thing is, I’ve done exactly the same thing. I know we are both capable of having an affair if our relationship goes wrong. For me, that neutralises the issue, and we focus on keeping our relationship in such a state that neither of will look outside it.

We are firmly in the trenches of baby/toddler life. I can’t imagine having the time or energy for an affair in my current situation. Plus obviously so much more at stake.

We were all “group friends” iykwim. His ex-W and I were very different people (make of that what you will) so only saw each other in bigger groups. He was closer to my ex-H, to the point where he felt he had to personally break the news when we eventually went official (my ex and I had been split for ~2 years by then).

Because we had split with our exes over a year before going official, the group dynamics had naturally shifted anyway. Covid lockdowns helped too.

I trust our relationship. We both put a lot of work into clear communication and fostering respect and understanding for each other.

I do of course know that either of us is officially capable of an affair. But my conclusion is that is true of just about anyone given the right/wrong circumstances, and it’s naive to think otherwise. That’s why it’s so important to do the work.

I trusted my ex not to have an affair, but only because he was too passive to bother. I didn’t trust or respect him in any meaningful sense by the end.

Oh god I know, it was all incredibly teenage angst. I do think that’s one element I truly have grown out of now - regardless of anything else I don’t have the energy for the drama.

I don't think that it's 'naïve' to believe that some people have morals that would prevent them from cheating. I do, however, think that you are naïve to not think your husband will cheat on you at some point.

Kissing. Which was stupid, because we had totally fallen for each other long before that. I think it was the only clear line other than “I love you” which happened almost immediately in a confused “is this as a friend?” grey area.

With hindsight, I recognise there was infidelity the moment we were holding hands out of sight. That was the moment it started.

Eight or nine years. The kissing was later though!