AMA My marriage started as an affair.

[LavenderRoseBush]

I’ve been contemplating this post for a while and been hesitant for obvious reasons. But I’ve seen a few posts recently making the assumption that people who have affairs are somehow a breed apart, rather than a significant proportion of the population. So here goes!

To pre-empt the most obvious questions: we were both married, and neither of us had kids.

Yes but in the OP's case she's married another cheat who wouldn't even leave his wife for her for ages.

And one who's needed years of therapy.

I can't see this lasting forever.

I know a couple of people who are very happy in marriages that started this way. Both - like the OP - in badly-matched first marriages, now very happy. It's not the ideal way to go about it - obviously - but they'd probably have broken up anyway.

I can’t even… anyway. I suppose it’s ok because everyone has moved on and progressed in their lives, but suppose they hadn’t? What would you feel then?

Do you ever not worry your husband wouldn’t cheat on you?

My experience is different. Theres also a few high profile couples who started as affairs and are going strong. Charles and Camilla obviously. Also LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian and Julia Roberts and Danny Moder. All been married decades. Cheating on someone you don’t love doesn’t mean you will cheat on someone you do love.

Standards are dofferent for men and women. My ex slept with a girl at work. I didn’t leave, my confidence was at an all time low, I was suffering from infertility and he made me feel like an utter failure. I fell out of love with him.

A miserable year later I fell in love with someone else and left my ex. He cried all over town, was the biggest victim you’ve ever seen. I hadn’t cheated like he had but it was decided I was the bad guy. Apparently him cheating was understandable due to the stress of me not giving him a baby.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world op. Sometimes you don’t marry the correct person first time round.

Well she can see it lasting forever, so it’s ok isn’t it!

Well Charles and Camilla we know through hearsay that his children weren’t happy about it. The affair and then them getting together.

If you think that Eddie has been faithful to LeAnn then I have a bridge to sell you.

Do you not realise that when you as the OW become the full time partner all you are doing is creating a vacancy for a new OW?

I’m sure she felt the same about her last marriage at some point 🤷‍♀️

These two held hands under a cushion and then a week later, “Of course I love you “

🤣🤣🤣

If your husband cheats on you will you be understanding and empathetic, having been there yourself?

It’s very cringy isn’t it?

Yes, it would seem love means as little to them as marriage.

They take neither seriously.

Perhaps because two innocent victims and families have been betrayed by the people who were supposed to be faithful. . Marriages break up for all sorts of reasons but as a previous post stated both parters should have ended their marriages first. The fact that these two didn’t mean’t that they were hedging their spouses happiness in case the affair didn’t work out. If the affair had ended would they have crawled back to their spouses as safety nets?

It basically didn’t occur to me that I could get divorced. The affair was a complete shock, although with hindsight I was primed for one. I was in couples counselling with my ex, trying to work on the marriage. By the time I realised I was definitely having an affair, it had already been going on for weeks and I’d fallen head over heels in love. Then it’s not easy to simply announce “actually I’m done working on the marriage, bye!” There’s both practical and emotional disentangling. I “broke up” with now-DH several times over the course of the affair, and it only finally ended after I left my ex-H and he wouldn’t leave his ex-W.

Would you describe your first marriage as happy? Did you realise you had married the wrong person? Or was it just that husband 2 was the person you should have married in the first place?

The only thing in the OP and her husband's favour is that there were no children involved. I still feel bad for their ex spouses, and I still think that there is every likelihood that in ten or even five years they will have broken up, but at least innocent kids weren't dragged into this mess.

Before you married your first husband, did any doubt ever cross your mind that he was the one for you?

1. Why couldn't you break up first?

1. Why do you think you crave attention do much? From married men amd for inviting questions on your affair?

They never found out. My SIL follows his ex-W on instagram. I think that’s it for continued family contact.

How long have you been married?

Having been cheated on the worst part was his lack of honesty and instead behaved like a total shit, not wanting to be the bad guy. Instead, he was cold, aggressive and confrontational. I always said I would rather have been dumped outright.
it was the worst time of my life ever and I lost my home too(his parents owned it)
I will never forgive him for not taking responsibility and ending it.
As for her, she was equally responsible, 15 years younger, needy and still living with her parents.
I hope you were both honest to your previous partners, rather than behaving appallingly towards them.

I don’t mean this in an offensive way, but does marriage mean less to you this time around? As in, because of it being the second time and both of you having broken your vows, is it a bit of a ‘Well, getting married was a romantic thing to do’ rather than ‘Wow I really know one of us will die married to the other’ ?

I once read a psychologist said ‘The only thing you learn from divorce, is how to get divorced.’ As in, once you’ve ventured into the scary unknown of divorce, it’s less scary to decide to do the second time around.

I’ve answered how it started up thread 😊 we met through friends at university, about eight years earlier.

What clinched leaving the marriage was nothing to do with the affair. Insofar as you can ever put it down to just one moment, it was ex-DH getting drunk and behaving horrifically in front of about 50 people, for the umpteenth time. I knew at that moment I’d had enough.

He’s doing better now, from what I’ve heard through mutual friends. He gave up alcohol, managed to hold on to a job, was single for a long time but now has a long term girlfriend. I’m pleased for him. He was never a bad person, just someone carrying a huge amount of baggage, and probably undiagnosed ND to boot.

I actually think that is a person is abusive in a relationship then they forfeit the right to expect fidelity. In all other respects, I'm very black & white when it comes to my stance against cheating.