AMA My marriage started as an affair.

[LavenderRoseBush]

I’ve been contemplating this post for a while and been hesitant for obvious reasons. But I’ve seen a few posts recently making the assumption that people who have affairs are somehow a breed apart, rather than a significant proportion of the population. So here goes!

To pre-empt the most obvious questions: we were both married, and neither of us had kids.

Absolutely.

Honestly, everyone has times in their life where they make poor decisions, and nearly everyone has hurt someone else through selfishness, with cheating just being an extreme version of that. So I don't think once a cheater always a cheater (necessarily), and I do think people can change...but that requires accountability and remorse, and OP has shown no sign she feels either of those things.

Also replying to @Noodles1234

I think I did take accountability for my behaviour by first, ending the affair and refusing to continue living that life, and second, by spending time reflecting on my actions, trying to understand what happened and what I could do to ensure it didn’t happen again. If by accountable you mean confessing to my ex-H then no. Given he had no idea the affair was happening, I can’t imagine how that conversation would have felt like anything other than rubbing salt in the wound. “I’m leaving you for this long list of reasons, also I had an affair with DH but he’s not leaving his wife so we’re not going to be together, I’m just letting you know so I can blow up your life and his. Bye!”

Interestingly, no one has asked me whether I’ve ever been cheated on, I guess the assumption being I couldn’t possibly know how it feels or I wouldn’t have done it. In fact I have, in two relationships, although both pre exH and so very young. Obviously it’s not the same (it really was just teenage drama!), but it felt awful at the time. I absolutely did and do feel bad about my part in causing exW pain, although in all honesty I can’t say I feel much remorse about exH, even if I would prefer the affair not to have happened. The computer games and drunken rages came a long time before the affair, and my real regret there is marrying him at all.

This makes sense. You see yourself as someone who had an affair but doesn't mean your a serial cheater and that could easily be the same for him.

I wonder though, if he did have an affair- would you be very 'how could he do this to me?' Or 'tbf I knew he was capable and I took a risk that didn't pay off' ?

I think your apparent lack of compassion for your husband's ex wife (aside from paying lip service), and the way you repeatedly position yourself as almost a victim in the situation, make it seem as though you haven't really understood what you did wrong. But I can understand that may be a limitation of communicating online and being unable to read tone, etc.

It does sound as if you were well rid of your ex, though, even if you went about it the wrong way.

It would depend on the type of affair.

I would be absolutely shocked rigid by him doing something like a one night stand or a random fling in any circumstances - that would be the sort of thing that would have me questioning whether I ever really knew him, and/or whether he’d had some sort of mental breakdown.

On the other hand, if he had fallen in love with someone else, although more devastating in a lot of ways and would make me question my own judgement of the state of our relationship (assuming I thought everything was okay) it would also track with his personality. We would be more likely to split up, but I think I would also find it easier to process.

This has been a really interesting AMA and I say that as someone who has been on the receiving end of infidelity. My feelings around cheating can be very black and white but posts like these do challenge that idea for me.

Were there any signs of attraction between the two of you, before holding hands under a cushion? Who made the first move? I know you said previously you'd be disappointed if he wasn't at an event, but did you have any indication that he was interested? I suppose I find it intriguing how you went from being friends to crossing that boundary, unless you were both absolutely plastered I guess!

Glad you’ve found it interesting! I really don’t condone affairs or think what we did was morally okay because it “worked out”. I just think life’s a lot messier than “only x type of person could have an affair”.

Nothing concrete at all. I have (genuinely!) platonic friends where we might have enjoyed some flirty banter or whatever, but never with him. There are two moments that stand out, both over five years pre affair: we walked to the station alone together and I got a strong sense he wanted to kiss me, instead we had an awkward hug and went our separate ways; and on another night out we were in a group and were walking down the street holding hands like it was totally natural. Both times obviously partners were not present, and I guess at least one almost always was otherwise. There were a few other things where looking back it’s obvious that’s not how you feel about your friends - for him apparently it was when exH and I were thinking of moving to a different city and DH was far more upset about the prospect than was reasonable.

On the sofa cushion night, it was definitely led by me, with the progress being something like: “oh we’re being cuddly that’s nice, just brushing fingers nothing wrong there, one hand on top of the other, well so what?” Think teenagers in the cinema vibe (I have no problem with people describing it as teenage, it absolutely was). We had had a few drinks but definitely not plastered, and in fact got progressively more sober because neither of us wanted to move in case it broke the spell. We barely even made eye contact throughout the evening, until we did (after exW had gone to bed and exH passed out) - that was the “wooooooah fuck what’s happened” moment.