AMA My marriage started as an affair.

[LavenderRoseBush]

I’ve been contemplating this post for a while and been hesitant for obvious reasons. But I’ve seen a few posts recently making the assumption that people who have affairs are somehow a breed apart, rather than a significant proportion of the population. So here goes!

To pre-empt the most obvious questions: we were both married, and neither of us had kids.

They never found out about it, so no impact. None of the families has kept in touch with the ex. I appreciate that can vary though.

Sincere questions about what? When you admit your relationship started as an affair people tend to have more judgements than questions. Because, what's so good or insightful about an affair-based relationship? Few people want a relationship like that, or want to understand them.

A bit of both. It wasn’t a random hook up, so there’s no issue with nights away or jealousy of a new colleague etc.

However we both recognise we are capable of cheating given the right/wrong circumstances, so it’s important not to let our relationship deteriorate to that point. That’s what we focus on.

Given we were all in our 20s and child free when this happened, I think I’d feel like people had the opportunity to move on if they chose to do so. It is a relief everyone did though.

Do you think this means you’re still centering the affair, even subconsciously, in your relationship? My partner and I do things to maintain and enjoy our relationship but it’s not about not wanting each other to look outside it?

Would you be honest with your children about how your relationship started when they’re older?

Do you feel any guilt over the fact that you effectively got away with it as you never told the truth?

By that hackneyed logic he’s also created a vacancy for a new Other Man 😅

Unlike my ex, I will at least notice 😅

Honestly I agree, it felt fairly ridiculous even at the time. Nothing like limerence to send people loopy.

The affair did end separately to us ending the marriages - I wrote in updates. I would have ended up leaving my ex-H regardless of what happened with the affair.

My first marriage was not happy. We shouldn’t have got married. I should (and with a few twists of fate, could!) had married DH in the first place.

Yuck

Ah all the old tropes are on this thread hey,

once a cheater always a cheater
You've just created a vacancy
Blah blah

I, like you, believe most people are capable of cheating given the right circumstances. I think there's two types of cheating too, the can't help themselves and will take an opportunity if they think they can get away with it, and then the type of person who thinks they never would but then meets that one person that changes it all.

In an ideal world we'd all leave our spouses, neatly tie up everything give it a few months and then start the new relationship as if nothing bad ever happened. Trouble with that thinking is the 'bad' happened the second you realised you has feelings for someone other that your spouse. Love and feelings sometimes don't give a shit about morals and societal rules

Anyway my only question is did you ever want to tell his wife when he refused to leave her?

I’ve name changed for this but you’re brave with your hard hat!

My marriage started as an affair too. Just me as DH was single. It was more of an exit affair than like you’re described though. I was in a sexless relationship, ex was a porn addict who wouldn’t do anything to help himself. I was so financially entwined with him I never thought I’d be able to leave. I had also a year of therapy to help me leave, but I just couldn’t.

I had no intention of falling in love with DH. I know the situation doesn’t justify what I did but it also means I don’t feel bad, I really tried to make it work. What I did was awful but my ex’s behaviour was also awful. It doesn’t mean it’s tit for tat but I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. Like you, I didn’t get caught, I left and I don’t believe ex has any clue. He wasn’t interested in what I was doing.

Posting because I don’t think meeting your partner in this way means you’ll cheat on them too. DH seeing me like that means he’s seen me at the lowest I’ve ever been. He saw how that relationship ended and I’d hope we’d be able to communicate if we ever ended up going that way. He’d also be very aware of what I’d be behaving like if I was cheating, as I cheated with him.

Would you never tell his ex? The worst part is the not knowing, having your suspicions but feeling crazy. Questioning your sanity. It is the cruelest part of an affair not the affair itself but someone questioning reality.

1. I wrote up thread about this 😊

2. 🤣 you know, in five years of private therapy, not once did we discuss why I like talking about myself! I wonder why…

Seriously though, I desperately wanted attention/affection from anyone when to the affair started, my ex-DH had drained me. As to now, I don’t think it’s for attention… I genuinely find the black and white thinking around affairs really interesting, not just “you’re bad for having one” but also “I and/or my partner never would”. I wanted to challenge this viewpoint.

My DH in particular projects a super calm, dependable, kindly presence. He’s so safe, and I do think that was part of my initial attraction to him coming from a clearly dysfunctional marriage. He is in fact a ball of neuroticism and anxiety with roots deep into his childhood, and for him part of the challenge of the affair was discovering this side of himself - the side that maybe wasn’t A-OK about everything and just plodded on with life. At this point, I’d say there are maybe three people who know this about him. Everyone else, including his own family, would be utterly gobsmacked to discover what goes through his head. No one would ever think he could have an affair.

4 years. Six since officially got together. 8 since the affair began.

No offence taken 😊

Yes, I think marriage does mean less in the sense that I slightly - internally! - rolled my eyes at the vows at our teeny tiny wedding. Having experienced “worse”, I no longer believe in a blanket statement of for better or worse.

But I do still love the concept of forging a life together and have every intention of giving my all to make our marriage happy. I’ve just realised that a) doing so takes a lot of intentional work from both sides and b) if it doesn’t work out, you can end it like the quote says. That’s the main reason I don’t think I would have an affair again even if it all went to pot - I would get divorced first.

With my now-DH?

Not at all, we had known each other for years. I always liked him a lot, and there was a bit of a vibe, as we wouldn’t have said back in 2007, but I didn’t fancy him. I was aware of a growing attraction in the months before it started, but I was naive about what that could mean. It genuinely never occurred to me that he would have an affair.

I think it’s normal to find other people attractive - and I do - but I would actively avoid any possibility of even a mild flirtation now. I know what the slippery slope feels like and I’ve got far too much to lose at this point. But then, my DH is fantastic, and my ex was not. We have a very strong relationship at this point.

No.

If it was an affair of the type we had where he’s fallen in love elsewhere and I have somehow not noticed, the marriage is dead anyway. If he randomly snogged someone (which would be very out of character) I’d be pissed off but I would forgive. I genuinely can’t imagine him having an actual one night stand, he’s not exactly a smooth operator 😂

Hmm perhaps? It’s a good question. I bring up aspects of it and our previous marriages from time to time, he never does.

I’ve wondered about telling the children when they’re (much!) older, and I don’t know. I don’t think I would out of context, like just FYI darling, daddy and I had a torrid affair before you were born, would you like another cup of tea? But perhaps if they were going through a shitty time in their own marriage feeling like they couldn’t escape or some such. Basically, I don’t think it’s their business as my children, but it could potentially be something to share adult to adult.

I don’t think I feel guilty over not getting caught. It’s a bit weird because we became an established couple anyway, so our exes obviously do know we’re together, affair or no affair. I sometimes feel guilty that only one of my closest friends compared to my other friends, it’s creates a bump in the friendship.

Yes he has they’re doing their bit to reduce unemployment I have to say 😂

I love asking questions and looking to understand experiences I’ve never had. Isn’t that the point of AMA?

I think there have been far more sincere questions than judgments on this thread too.

Happily married people don’t have affairs…..just saying

Did your current husband tell his ex wife in the end that her suspicions were correct or did he pretend that you only got together after they had divorced, and gaslight her into thinking she was paranoid and mental for suspecting an affair? Do you think the parent/child dynamic assisted in him covering up the affair ie him positioned as calm dependable reliable-witness adult and her as hysterical overly imaginative child? (The "my ex was crazy" trope)?
Why did he think that she wouldn't cope without him?

Yes well it was a bit inevitable 😅

No, I actually wasn’t tempted. I didn’t want anyone to know I’d had an affair and I couldn’t out him without outing myself! I did think it was ridiculous that he thought he could stay in the marriage, and suspected he would eventually realise that and do so on his own.