I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

FFS, I'm not banging any drum.

I was perfectly clear that I don't think the OP's relationship dynamic is healthy. However, I do think the likely neurodivergence is likely to be a significant factor in her willingness to tolerate the behaviour.

So what you are saying is you want a different answer to the question. There isn't one I'm afraid. That's what he does - takes something away, tells me to go to the bedroom, tells me off. That's it. Not sure what else to tell you...

Plenty of women tolerate this and worse. Few of them are nd.

No not a different answer, just clarification,

so he takes things off you, tells you off and sends you to bed as a punishment, ok.

They are probably one of these head teachers who doesn't believe in neurodiversity and makes all the neurodiverse kids lives hell. This 'professional experience' means nothing. The suggestion to set an alarm just proves it. If it was that easy we'd all be doing it!

Thank you for your kind post. I really hope to make some progress and become more independant. You are spot on about feeling a lot of guilt and shame. Thinking about this made me think of that saying people use 'if you act like a child, I'm going to treat you like a child'. Maybe I think that about myself. I have been able to hold things together and act like a competent adult in front of my DC or work colleagues...but I think it is probably masking and exhausting!

The other side is that being able to just be me free of those expectations is kind of relaxing. I like the fact my DH doesn't put all sorts of 'shoulds' on me. He accepts me how I am. And supports me to go to bed on time and drink water etc. We tell children to go to bed because we know they would struggle on their own and we do it because we love and care for them. This isn't different. That's not to say that it wouldn't be really healthy not to need that. And my DH has supported me to get therapy and seek diagnosis which has all been a really long road. Those aren't the signs of an abusive man. It is completely different to a man arbitarily telling his partner to go to bed when she not only is capable herself but has told him that and does not consent to him deciding her bedtime.

So does he ever take himself off if you’re disagreeing? Or does he only send you away? Having space in an argument to stop it escalating is a really helpful tool but we can only use it for ourselves. We can’t put a partner in a time out.

Combined with the comment that everyone is diagnosed with ADHD and it comes from professional experience it was extremely dismissive and comes from someone who has no clue about the difficulties involved. Just set an alarm is a classic kind of comment from people like that. Oh set an alarm? Thank you very much, I'd never thought of that. You've solved all my problems! Just idiotic!

Men can be both supportive and abusive. They’re not mutually exclusive. He’s supporting you to get a diagnosis but using your struggles as a way to control you.

We are 99% sure my DH has ADHD and we’re going through the process of getting a diagnosis. He struggles with time awareness and motivation to get things done. I support him with these things in a way that helps him. I don’t then use those things to make him do what I want him to do.

I completely agree with you.

How do you know?

Yes, as I have already said.

Sometimes he walks round the block. But it is often me that needs the lack of stimulation.

I understand that it is best if we can decide on it on our own. But what if we can't? Isn't it ok for our partner to help us with it?

He’s not helping you though. He’s directing you to be somewhere else. I know you say you won’t listen if he suggests it but that’s your right as an adult. You have the autonomy to make your own decisions.

It is. But it doesn't help me. I've lived like that and it was awful.

If he actually wanted to help you, he’d be supporting you to find strategies that you can use yourself. Setting an alarm doesn’t work for you but him telling you to go does. What if he’s not there? What if you break up or he is no longer around to dictate your bedtime? There needs to be a strategy you can implement yourself.

I really wonder how you can parent effectively when you are emotionally a child yourself.

Yes, agreed, but I've not as yet found a way. I have tried. He's not against that, atall. I suppose I have given up a bit. But hoping working on myself in therapy will give me the boost to be able to explore new strategies.

With difficulty. But when I was younger I read all the parenting books and I just tried really hard. I guess I am more resilient than I think. It is nice to not have to do it all myself now. And hopefully therapy will help.

Have you always been like this op? Behaving like a child. Needing to be told to go to bed, or to go to your room as you need a lack of stimulation or being punished if you don’t behave.

honestly it’s making my toes curl more and more with every post. You appear to want to be treated like a child. And your husband to parent you.

Yeah, I'm pretty fucked up.

This is not going to be popular on here but your DH sounds nice. He’s taking on alot almost on his own , working organizing financial weight etc. I’d worry a little that it might actually be alot of pressure for him but you know him best.
It sounds like he’s doing his best to look after you, encouraging you to study and have therapy . He does housework and listens to what you want. If you don’t need his support so much in the future will he be happy with that? I don’t really think you are a ‘submissive ´ though. I wish you well there are alot worse relationships out there ,if you are both happy it’s fine and no ones business.

Does your husband respect you, or just tolerate you? It must be pretty hard to have a happy marriage when you seem so feeble and immature. I actually feel sorry for him.

Take no notice op. That was a mean post.

Stop talking about yourself like this. You’re not “fucked up”, you’ve experienced trauma and are likely to be neurodivergent. This means you need some extra support and comprehensive therapies right now to gain your confidence, self worth and independence. & also to recognise abusive and unhealthy behaviours in others.

Thank you. I think he will be really proud of me if I need his support less.