I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

I do sometimes feel a bit childish but that isn't because of my marriage. I felt like that before. I do feel embarrassed sometimes, I don't feel I can cope with life as well as other people. And I feel I need things other peoole don't. I feel the odd one out.

Are you neurodiverse? Or do you feel like you could be?

So is 'quite the opposite' because you were affected by the dynamics in your home growing up? Because for all your denials, we are all shaped by our upbringing. Of course they see and FEEL what is going on. How can you say they don't 'see' it?
You have made a pretty unhealthy set up their 'normal'. Do you meekly go off to bed when he tells you it is your bedtime?
You being 'less than' is what they live, whether they consciously understand this or not. It wouldn't surprise me if they've been conditioned to 'take care' of you as well because you have opted out of having to do so yourself.
When your DD finds herself her own 'manly man' (🤮) because of what was modelled in her home, will you feel sad that you've taught her to be malleable and unable to be a strong woman? Or your DS goes on to be a bully trying to assert his dominance because 'manly men' take charge and set the rules and make the decisions? Genuine questions

Of course, this would be worst case scenario but underestimating the potential effect on your children is incredibly selfish and will do them no favours

Well, we dont see these relationships come up where the man is submissive to the woman, do we?
I think its worth exploring in these conversations why that is.

It sounds like quite a normal relationship to me. He makes decisions on things he cares/knows more about (cars, tvs). You decide on things you care more about (food, your career/studies). You discuss together big decisions like kids. Apart from him telling you to go to bed (my husband does that too, I’m a nightmare for staying up late, I seen it as loving and helpful) what makes you think you are a submissive wife? Does he always decide when and how you have sex? Spank you? Tell you when to exercise or study? Demand certain standards of housework? You’ve answered SO many questions and explained so little.

I agree. Sounds like any old bog standard, possibly boring, marriage involving a timid and unconfident wife.

Which bit did I invent?

He doesn't hurt me or disrespect me. But he makes me aware if he isn't happy about something”

How would this pan out? What does he do to make you aware?

The one and only example you have of being told what to do that keeps being rolled out - being “sent to bed” (for your own good it would seem) I don’t think is really a “thing” tbh?

I’m guilty of staying up too late sometimes - “just finishing this episode” “just one more row” (I crochet)
and when I am tired the next day my husband will say “well go to bed earlier” (he goes at 10 on the dot every night) which is right.….. but still my choice

So how does your husband enforce “sending you to bed”

I don’t think you’re a “submissive” at all. I just think you find leaving someone else to do all the adulting easier and if your husband is happy to do that then there’s nothing wrong with that.
You have been quite competent at “doing life” before so it’s not like you can’t do it but you say you’re embarrassed by the situation so it’s your own conflict that is the problem here not the actual dynamic of the relationship.

Oh for goodness' sake, this concept creep has got to stop.

A husband cajoling his exhausted wife off to bed and massaging her head till she has wound down enough to go to sleep is in no way, shape or form being abusive.
@Peachesx2606 it sounds to me like you and your husband make a good team, you play to eachother's strengths. My guess is your low self esteem means you downplay your own contributions and decision making abilities. In my opinion having well chosen, well made meals will have a bigger impact on your little one's life and wrllbeing into adulthood than what primary school they go to. Therefore you and your husband are each making big decisions.
Also I talk to only 1 person other than my husbnd about the deeper ins and outs of our relationship. Being a private person is not the same as being ashamed.

Be proud of yourself @Peachesx2606 you're doing fine.

With all respect OP. I don’t think you are submissive but instead lazy.

How is she exhausted? She's not said that.
She's not working, is at home all day, children are older apart from one.
It's incredible how some posters read, yet don't 'read'.

Have you read the copied post from her by @Confuserr a couple of posts above?

Have you read how he basically forces her to go to bed?
How there is a punishment if she doesn't comply?

but then they see him shouting at you for not going to bed when you're told

This bit. The OP has said nothing about shouting. In fact she gets a head massage when she doesn’t want to go to bed!

@Peachesx2606 My opinion is you're playing a cat and mouse game with us.

You've ignored all the questions about punishments and how your H behaves if you do things he's not happy with.

'Like if I don't go to bed when he says, the consequence would be not enough sleep.'

So does this mean as an adult woman with 3 children, you don't know how to get yourself to bed at a reasonable time- and he has to tell you and make you go ?

Other things may be a telling off,not getting something I want, being sent to bed'

Numerous posters have asked you to describe what you mean by this ^^.
But you've not responded.

So either it's a wind-up and you're making stuff up. OR it's far worse than you want to say and you're ashamed of how he behaves.

'Like if I don't go to bed when he says, the consequence would be not enough sleep.'

So does this mean as an adult woman with 3 children, you don't know how to get yourself to bed at a reasonable time- and he has to tell you and make you go ?

Yes it’s pretty evident this is exactly what OP means given the consequence she’s mentioned of not doing thus is that she’s tired the next day!

You say he has final say on big decisions… What if he decided he wants another child? Would he get final say on that even though it’s your body?

It’s a wind up. There is so little actual detail about all this.

But it's not that simple.

If I don't go to bed when he says

Why does he need to say it in the first place?

There are two issues here and the difference is subtle- which is why some posters aren't grasping it.

The first is 'when he says'.
I don't know any adult whose partner 'says' (ie instructs) them to go to bed. It's what you tell a child to do. 'Go to bed or you'll be too tired for school tomorrow.'

There is a world of difference between suggesting 'Let's have an early night love, we're both tired.' and telling an adult in her 40s on a regular basis that she has to go to bed.

You're ignoring the punishment issue.
Other things mean all the things he doesn't want her to do (not just staying up later than he thinks is right) but OTHER THINGS AS WELL.

He doesn't tell you to do things and expect you to do it.

You suggested a choice of school for your daughter and he pointed out the ways in which a different school would be better.

Having read your latest posts, I'm still baffled how your relationship is different from anyone else's, but it's clearly a lot better than many.

I know you want there to be more here but after goodness knows how many posts I don’t think there is.

Maybe there is more to it than you are understanding?

Or maybe it's all a work of fiction.

who knows?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Peachesx2606

go to bed when you want, OP. If you’re tired the next day, that’s the consequences and you just deal with it.

Its no big deal.

Youre an adult, not a child.

So funny that you decided to cut off the quote there rather than at the end of the post.

"Other things maybe a telling off, not getting something I want, being sent to bed."

You said I was inventing things by suggesting it's not healthy for a little girl to see her adult mother getting "told off", "sent to bed", or deprived of something they want. Maybe you think it's OK to do that to an adult. But don't pretend that's not what she said.

I suspect,he found the thread.

it went from the op onky being able to discuss it with her friend, how he punishes her, how she’s submissive, how it makes her feel safe, how it’s not the norm and she feels funny about it

to it’s a totally average relationship, she’s equal say in all decisions, if he tells her to go to bed, he comes up and massages her head, and will only tell her to do something like sit and rest as she’s unwell. And that she made a mistake and used the wrong words. Whilst going on about how manly he is. Any decisions he has taken are rare and the right ones.

Well that's an hour or two I'll never get back.

It seems people aren't happy with me trying to answer the questions in order. I am sorry also that my life isn't as interesting as some expected! And I realise that saying 'submissive' was wrong as I didn't realise it meant having no opinion/input into anything and doing strange things without question!

A few have asked about neurodiversity - I'm waiting for Autism & ADHD assessment currently.

I think myself and my husband do have some dysfunction in our relationship. We both have trauma in our past which I think this is where this comes from. But we are both open to working on things and figuring out a healthy relationship.

A lot came up about the effect on the children which was the biggest thing for me.

To explain why I don't think it affects them negatively I guessI have to talk about day to day life. I realise being punished by my husband is pretty extreme but that also most of the time our life is pretty normal and ordinary. Yes, he tells me to go to bed pretty much every night but the kids aren't around then. Youngest 2 are in bed and eldest is in their room. Decisions between us are made privately. The girls are involved in decisions about them and never not expected to make decisions due to being girls. I have taught the older 2 to be independant. I've never expected them to be anything other than equal in a relationship/potential relationship. If we have an argument and my husband tells me to go to our room it helps due to giving us space. I realise that may not be the most healthiest way to do that. He doesn't hardly ever not let me have something as a punishment but doesn't do it in front of the DC. He does tell me off fairly often but again not in front of the DC. Day to day I'm just a normal mum to them and we present a united front.