I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

Sorry!

He didn't find the thread! He's not interested in Mumsnet.

He’d be putting himself to bed if he had, tbf. 🥱🥱🥱

You said there was shouting. You made that bit up.

He tells you off fairly often? Sends you to your room if you’re having an argument? Sometimes withholds things as punishment?

You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s convinced you he’s your hero / carer when he’s just a bog standard misogynist.

Hopefully your girls realise they don’t need to replicate this relationship dynamic and their dad has a healthier relationship on his side for them to look up to.

If you haven’t told your therapist about the telling off / withholding things / sending to your bed then please do.

Good luck, I feel sorry for you that you feel safe because he is controlling x

I will talk to my therapist, thank you.

He's not convinced me of anything, though. It comes as much if not more so from me. I am not saying our relationship isn't clearly disordered but as I said we are both willing to change and make things better.

If you read the thread the girls' dad was abusive to me, not a healthy relationship atall. And this was in front of them. Their dad is not in a relationship, though. And I think he has changed as he has got older too. The girls don't see any abuse with me and my current husband. They like my husband and get on really well with him. My middle daughter is in particular very close to him. They are so much happier now.

Why do you want this relationship to be the way it is? What need does it fulfil for you? I just cannot understand a grown woman wanting to be treated like a child by a man. Especially when you’ve previously been in an abusive relationship. No decent man would want to be telling his wife when to go to bed and make all the decisions either.

I’m really sorry, I forgot about your ex being abusive when I wrote that I hoped he had a healthier relationship. I’m sorry you went through that and that the girls witnessed it.

But it makes even more sense as to why you’re accepting of behaviour others would find unacceptable (another adult telling us off / withholding things / sending us to bed) because your expectations are skewed by the fact you’re comparing him to a more overtly abusive person, rather than a regular, healthy and well adjusted person.

I really hope your therapist can help. Please do tell them about the punishment / consequences you shared on here.

He's not convinced me of anything, though. It comes as much if not more so from me

Did you ask to be punished? For what reason? Why did he agree?

I do think these are things to explore with your therapist.

I don't know fully. I'm working on it in therapy. I imagine it must come from my childhood where I didn't feel loved and looked after. I also have a lot of thoughts around myself that I'm a complete nightmare and I need someone to help me be better. I find life pretty challenging and in my first marriage I struggled alone. I feel like my husband expecting certain things from me compels me to do them and it seems to help. You say no decent man wants to be telling his wife when to go to bed but what if the wife sends she would appreciate that support. Many posters also said their husbands tell them to go to bed when he sees they are tired. I feel like with me if he told/suggested I go to bed without an expectation that I do it, I just wouldn't. I just would want to rebel. Hopefully I can overcome that in therapy. 4One of my goals is to be able to do things like that more independantly. Before we got to this stage of our marriage I would just stay up too late all the time and it affected me a lot but I didn't seem to be able to deal with it. Like self sabotage, I guess.

Your husband sends you to your room like a naughty child.

Surely you can see this is dysfunctional and controlling?

You say your daughters don't see or hear you arguing or being sent to your room because they are in their own rooms.

If we have an argument and my husband tells me to go to our room it helps due to giving us space. I realise that may not be the most healthiest way to do that.

You're right there. He's controlling you. It's his way of winning the argument by sending you away.

You are not a child but he's treating you like one.

Kindly, I'd say they do know. Children see and hear a lot more than they let on. They pick up the atmosphere. It doesn't have to be full-on shouting or physical abuse.

Yes, he tells me to go to bed pretty much every night but the kids aren't around then.

Why? Because this is his weird way of controlling you? It's emotional abuse.

If you go to bed because your H has told you to, as he doesn't want to argue or discuss things with you, they will know. There will be a pattern.

Maybe you need to ask yourself why you comply with this?
You don't have to go to bed when he tells you to.

What happens if you refuse?

The sad thing is you are still in an abusive marriage. But you can't or don't want to see it. He may not be abusive like your first husband, but you are still with an abuser.

I posted a link before to women's aid and their page on 'what is abuse'- might help to read it and call them for a chat?

Ok so this turned again. So now he sends you to bed , sends you to your room if arguing and will occasionally withhold things to punish you.

and this makes you feel safe.

im sorry but thats so so warped. I have no idea who you teach your children to be independent and equals when you behave like this.

What wording does he use to send you to bed?

I’m glad you’re in therapy and hope it helps you understand your need to be in this relationship. This is not in any way healthy or normal. It’s not helping you to be told what to do like a naughty child. It’s actually hindering you from asserting your own identity and learning to cope with the challenges life presents. He’s holding you back, not helping you. That’s a fundamental truth.

The not going to bed early enough to get descent sleep can be ADHD symptom. Finding transitions and time keeping difficult.

What do you think is your reason for not being able to manage your bedtime?

I'm not convinced OP is in a submissive relationship as it sounds nothing like mine (or maybe I'm doing it wrong) but what is more worrying is she doesn't sound happy. OP you talk about being in therapy, maybe using the wrong terminology, changing behaviour (both you and your partner), if you were happy you wouldn't be saying these things.
I'm not sure if you've changed because people have slated your lifestyle or not. People will always judge what they don't understand but you don't need to change who you are unless you are unhappy. Unless you decide this lifestyle isn't working for you. That's what you need to focus on rather than worrying about what anyone else thinks.

The bedtimes -

It's normal @Peachesx2606 for a partner to gently encourage their partner to go to bed IF they are incapable of recognising if they are tired. (You say you're being assessed for ADHD so it's possible you have issues with time management.)

However, given you seem to be fully on top of the household stuff, able to study at home (?) for a new career, it would be unusual for a sensible bedtime routine to be beyond you. Most people with ADHD have issues around all time management, not just going to bed. ( know adults with ADHD.)

There is a massive different between a partner gently suggesting 'bedtime' and it also being used as a means to win an argument, dominate you,punish you, control the agenda during an argument.

With you, it seems you find it hard to separate out these two very different behaviours.

I also suspect you are not telling your counsellor any of this.
Are they any good? Do they help you?
What kind of things are you working on with them?

Why did you go with his school choice? Just because it was his choice? Because you saw something good in that school too?

I still want to know what the withholding of things you want and punishment look like, OP.

Also, the insistence that not a single element of this dysfunction happens in front of the kids…. Right. So it’s either deliberately kept from them because you and your husband know it looks bad. Or. It’s not actually hidden from them and they’ll see you being sent away/punished for infractions.

You’ve unfortunately, from what I can see, jumped from one abusive relationship to another. This is quite normal and no not your fault. It’s the fault of the abuser. That said, you have children and need to set an example, you seem very capable in all other areas of your life and are accessing therapy. I think your thread here will be a wake up call and something to discuss openly with your therapist. There’s no way on earth your children are blind to this dysfunctional dynamic, and even just looking at it from an arm’s length angle, I don’t think you are making good choices right now. Speak to the therapist and also as painful as it seems to be, open up here. It’s free therapy! If your choices are that great, stick to them, you’ve got nothing to lose. It’s an anonymous forum, let the collective experience of MN actually help you to see the wood for the trees.

Posts you feel are mean or unpleasant, maybe ignore but also understand that we can see what you seemingly can’t, which gets people frustrated. I don’t think anyone in this thread wishes anything for you other than to be happier and mentally healthier.

@Peachesx2606 I'm sorry but I get secondary humiliation feelings reading about you accepting being treated like a child. I think you need to be single for a long time to find your own identity and selfworth.

I really hope you will discuss sleep with your counsellor.

It's a very unhealthy dynamic.

On the one hand you appear to like being controlled by your H- 'made' to go to bed when he says. You seem to align this with both being 'cared for' (but maybe that's an excuse) and treated like a child- making you feel 'safe'.

On the other hand, he taps into your insecurities and uses 'sending you to bed' as a punishment when he's had enough of arguing etc , simply reinforcing the child-parent dynamic.

Each of you is using bedtimes as a tool in this dysfunctional set up.

Maybe there is also a deeper sexual element whereby you enjoy being controlled- a type of masochism?

Yes, as I said I am aware there is some dysfunction in our relationship.

But even your words are concerning, you talk about rebelling. You are not a child. You are not rebelling when you don’t do as told. You’re simply an adult like thr rest of us doing as we please. There is no rebelling in it. A child rebels. Not an adult.

I don't think it's about winning but more about having space because we do come back to the discussion.

I appreciate your comment about the DC and I will think about it.

I like him telling me when to go to bed - it enables me to go to bed at a reasonable time. He can pick up when I'm getting tired more than I can. I want to go to bed when he says. If I refuse which isn't often he might take me up and lay with me and stroke my head. Sometimes if I'm being irritable he might just tell me forcefully and I comply.

Thank you for the information about Women's aid.