I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

He might say 'Baby, you're tired, go to bed'

Definitely transitions. I find it hard to move from one thing to another.

Thank you. I really don't know if it is a submissive relationship after reading the commrnts.

I am happy but equally I know there are things I want to improve about myself.

I'm really not on top of the household stuff or studying - I actually really struggle. It is likely I am neurodiverse as both my older DDs are diagnosed.

I understand what you mean about gently suggesting. But we tried that and honestly a gentle suggestion I would just ignore. It isn't used to win an argument.

My psychotherapist seems very good but we have only been going a couple of months. I think it will be very helpful. At the moment we have been talking about my DC and my childhood and a bit about my husband.

I liked the school but I wanted one near my workplace and not where we live. As it turns out his decision was the right one.

😱

I do find this hard to talk about but I am trying to be really honest. Sometimes I find it hard to control my emotions and I can get really angry and unreasonable, quite critical. He does get frustrated with it. If he says for example 'carry on and you'll not get your nails done' it snaps me out of it 9/10.

Yes, it is deliberately kept from them because it is just not needed in front of the DC.

I am really not capable in all other areas of my life.

But thank you for your kind words.

Yes, maybe. I'm not really consciously aware of that. It doesn't feel like I get sexual gratification from him telling me what to do outside of the bedroom.

I'm just explaining how it feels to me. I may be an adult but I can't stop the way I feel.

Have you been referred to psychotherapy but your GP because you have discussed your mental health anyway?

Or have you chosen to have therapy and found your own therapist?
This is important as there are so many different types of therapy.

What some of us are picking up from your posts is that you seem to backtrack to minimise what can be seen as abuse. You post one thing, then a few posts later say 'Oh not's not like that really.'

For example, you talk about being punished and having things withheld as a punishment. what do you do and what happens here?

It's hard to see how, in between marriages, you managed to successfully cope and bring up your daughters, yet now you can't manage to get yourself to bed on time.

I don't genuinely know how you can't manage your bedtime without being 'sent'.
Why at 40+ do you need your H to 'lie with you' and take you upstairs to bed?
But then confuse the whole bedtime issue by saying you also get sent there as a punishment.

If you were a child, and your parents did this, they would be told it was bad parenting. Bedrooms should be a place for relaxation and sleep - not a place associated with being naughty and a 'cell' to be sent to.

If your marriage can only function with you playing the role of a child and him as a parent, it's dysfunctional.

You can't stop how you feel but you can absolutely control your behaviour.
And if you really do have ADHD (like everyone seems to have now!) you can use strategies like an alarm on your phone as a reminder.
That's how adults deal with ADHD.
They find ways to cope - not being passive and letting a partner take over.

And you've not explained about being punished.

Women being punished in a marriage might have happened 200 years ago - men also hit their wives and rape within marriage wasn't illegal.

Times have changed. If your H punishes you , it's abuse.
You need to tell your therapist this happens.

I was refered to psychotherapy.

It is hard to write in a way to fully explain what our life is like. I don't think I alwats word things properly or give the right impression so I'm just trying to clarify.

I have exolained a bit of that in a recent post.

I did say I wouldn't go to bed at a good time when a single parent. I actually really struggled. Yes, I did it, but it wasn't easy. I'm not 40+ and I get you don't understand the issue but some posters have said it is probably linked to ADHD.

Have you never gone to yoyr bedroom for some space and peace and quiet?

Parents send DC to their rooms all the time. It's not something I have ever done, but I would say it is pretty common.

Like everyone seems to have? Hardly! I assume you've not experienced the significant difficulties of neurodiversity. And diagnosed by professionals - you don't just ask for a diagnosis and get it!

I have explained about being punished. What else do you want to know??

There is some concern about over-diagnosis which I am very familiar with, from a professional perspective and experience. There is some concern about people being diagnosed when it's sometimes only a variation on normal behaviour on a spectrum. If you have not heard of this, it is online with discussions among professionals.

But at the moment you say are waiting for a diagnosis, so it's not certain yet.

You've not really explained about being punished. I'm not aware of what you do that necessitates a punishment or what the punishment is- other than being sent to your bedroom. You said somethings were 'withheld' as a punishment.

Choosing to go to your bedroom for space and peace and quiet is not the same as being sent there. There is no comparison.

You are almost 40 give or take a few months (I didn't bother to scroll right back to check your age.)

I think you are backtracking. It is hardly a professional position to say 'like everyone seems to have these days!' - that is dismissive. I have 2 neurodiverse children so actually aware of the very real difficulties.

If you can't be bothered to read the thread, it's not my problem and I don't appreciate being told I haven't answered something just because someone hasn't read my posts. I'm not going to keep repeating things.

This is so sad to read.

He is not a good man. He is a manipulative control freak.

You are a grown ass adult and should be able to recognise when you are tired and when you want to go to bed.

Please please get help to work on your self esteem and self worth. This is no way to live.

Women's Aid lists 'being told when to sleep' as a form of coercive abuse on the page' Is my relationship healthy?'

It's all very well to say 'should'. But 'should' isn't reality.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Call them. It's 100% confidential.

You have nothing to lose.

If, after talking things over, you feel your relationship is not abusive you can carry on as you are.

If not, they will support you to make changes.

Then I wish you well, and I hope you find the strength and confidence to remove yourself and your daughters from this mess.

Where did you explain this.? I can’t see it either.

i see he may say if you carry on you won’t get your nails done. Or he will forcibly tell you to go to bed. But if there is an explanation of the punishments, I also can’t see it.

I completely agree that the OP's relationship dynamic is extremely unhealthy, and that the punishment thing is very concerning.

However, as someone who has adhd and struggles with things like getting myself to bed at a sensible time, I don't find your post particularly insightful or helpful. This is surprising, given that you say you have professional experience in this area.

Setting a reminder on a phone might help neurotypical people. And it might help some people with adhd. But it is certainly not a strategy that works for everyone. It doesn't work for me at all, and it's annoying to see the very real struggles that people experience being dismissed as if they can be easily resolved by something as simple as setting a reminder. If only!

Of course the solution isn't letting a partner take over, or worse, the OP allowing herself to be "punished" when she doesn't do as she is told. That is just awful, and all the more so in light of the fact that the OP is clearly vulnerable.

But just telling her to behave like an adult and find strategies that work isn't necessarily going to help her. The whole point is that she doesn't have any strategies that actually work.

OP, I hope that you can get a diagnosis soon, and that this will facilitate access to the help that you need. In the meantime, please know that your relationship dynamics are not healthy, regardless of your difficulties. Perhaps you feel a lot of guilt and shame about your struggles to cope with things that other people find straightforward, and that is why you have allowed yourself to be treated like a naughty child instead of an equal partner. But this is no way to live, really - at some level, you must surely know that?

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack My post was never meant to be a comprehensive guide to dealing with ND. I wish I'd never even gone there with this thread. It was meant to be a possible way for OP to remind herself about bedtime. It works for some people - using technology for reminders.
I agree with your other points.

Her issues in her marriage would still be there regardless of any diagnosis IMO. Not everyone may agree!

EDITED AS I LINKED TO THE WRONG POSTER
Sorry this is appearing under OP's post- I 'quoted' the wrong post and can't delete it.

I would agree with you and I feel that poster just wanted to bang an nd drum, when the op hasn’t had a diagnoses and her issues will clearly exist even if she’s nt. this is certainly not as simplistic as she doesn’t know when to go to bed.

Fair enough, I accept that it was just a suggestion. It just felt a bit dismissive, I guess, as if the issue could be easily resolved.

I might be being overly sensitive because "just setting a reminder" is the kind of thing that people so often suggest to people with adhd as if we haven't ever thought of it. I do recognise that it wasn't meant that way, and broadly speaking, we are in agreement about the OP's situation, which is grim.