AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

He doesn’t want to be ‘messed around’ downstairs but even considering putting you though another high risk pregnancy

What would you say to a daughter, a sibling or a friend in this situation

OP should probably also consider that a fifth child may be a fifth and sixth child and how desirable that would be.
People also need to learn how contraceptive failure rates work. It’s not the rate of failure for each time you did it, else we’d have unplanned pregnancies every few years. It’s for a whole year. So if the rate is 90%, over a year, 90 couples won’t get pregnant and 10 will.

And that's a choice he made. And I'm stressing 'choice'. I know lots of men who have had vasectomies, by choice. No one should be forced to become sterile when other methods of contraception are available. As I said earlier, I never trusted any man with my fertility, because men don't get pregnant.

You're right. It's to do with the shape and motility of the different sex sperm. After 3 kids of the same sex, you're chances of the fourth being the same sex again is 75% as it could be indicative of an issue with the dad's sperm with regards to one sex.

I’d tell him no more sex without the snip, I’m not sure what I feel about men who think abortion is a suitable means of birth control, just to avoid the snip. If you want an active sex life, you’ve got to take responsibility, in OP’s position I’d happily go without. Rather than an ask me anything this is a ‘Wanna hear how foolish we are?’.

Both my grandmothers convinced naturally in their late forties. One had 3 children between 46 and 49, to add to the 9 she already had; she did hard manual work in a factory and had very poor nutrition so it wasn’t ideal conditions to conceive by any means. This was in the 40s.

Stop having sex with him until birth control sorted? I don't care if he wants another one - you don't and it's your body. Am all for conversations about having children, birth control but it seems that he doesn't listen and wants everything his own way. So.. stop having sex until protected.

My neighbour had her 5th age 43 years, that could be you!

Of course it’s reasonable for him to get a vasectomy but if I were you I’d get a coil, don’t play with fire.

If he won't get sterilised, why don't you ?

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but what non hormonal options have you considered? It's doesn't have to be a case of the snip or nothing.

I never got on with hormones but I had a copper coil for years without issue. It was invasive (and painful) to get in but then it's forgotten about. I'm not sure why it's not a more popular method.

My husband actually did have a vasectomy after our last child was born and I said I didn't want the coil putting back. It was a very quick procedure with a quick recovery, probably less invasive than having a coil.

Why not use condoms every time instead of some of the time? I’d suggest you’re not that bothered about the idea of a late in life pregnancy either.

My husband did the decent thing and had a vasectomy. I’d have no respect for a man that wouldn’t.

She’s got 4 kids with him and an active sex life. I’m guessing they love each other so LTB seems extreme 😆

You are mad and you are both avoiding responsibility.

There are different types of contraception- like non hormonal coil etc…
having 4 kids and not wanting another one yet still not be on any protection whatsoever is very unresponsible.

I bet you didn't like someone messing with you down there, but you did it 4 times?!! Get him to the snip doctor

You said your last pregnancy was high risk. You have four children, and you don’t want to risk another. I’d suggest that if your DH was a caring , responsible man that he would not be prepared to risk pregnancy in any circumstances.

Instead he uses condoms sometimes ( you said it was around times you are fertile ), shuts down discussion around a serious solution ( not wanting to mess about down there makes him sound like a teenager not an adult ), and indeed suggests another. On top of that your last pregnancy was high risk..

So yes, it is suggestive of abusive behaviour in my opinion. If I am wrong then you will be able to suggest a serious discussion, arrange a time for that, and he will ( even late in the day ) agree, and do so. I hope that happens.

But he’s not giving you the choice is he? Honestly men like this make me furious.

He doesn’t care if you get pregnant - in fact it turns out he’d be quite pleased - even though a pregnancy could potentially put your life and health at risk. He doesn’t care that you definitely don’t want another. He just doesn’t care about you, your body, or your feelings.

is that any clearer for you now?

For Chrst sake grow up ! You should never have relied on the pull out method. You sound like ridiculous teenagers .
Is that the advice you will give your kids ?
Its 2026! And a high risk pregnancy at 42 is madness. He obviously is not to bothered about that otherwise would not suggest it .

i don’t want to be, neither of us has to do anything regarding our own bodies.

You also have the option of a non-hormonal contraception like the Copper coil. Or get sterilised yourself. What if he doesn't pull out one of these days and then he is so happy you'll have another baby?

But you said he did need to.

Except deal with an unwanted pregnancy, you can’t stop yourself from dealing with that the way you’re going. You can either both grow up and take responsibility for your actions, or you’re just going to be like a couple of teenagers and have to deal with the unplanned consequences. But it’s going to impact YOU more in every way.

iIf he is going to be an arse have you considered taking control of your own body and have your tubes tied?

apologies if it’s already been suggested haven't RTFT.

I had a high risk pregnancy touch and go (for me) delivery and a hemorrhage with a subsequent pregnancy have never looked back when gyne said more babies is too dangerous he tied my tubes and it hasn’t had any negative side effects for me.

Then you run the risk of a pregnancy, which has far, far more impact on the body, especially for a 42 year old who has already had one high risk pregnancy.
Up to you though. 🙄

Give over, he's not being remotely abusive. He doesn't want the snip, fair enough, it's his body. But that does mean they need to start using condoms all the time.