I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Yes this too. He's "safe". She can be absolutely in control at all times.

OP, if all this is true, what you have here is a bog standard open marriage...

Also, re you "having many relationships" - you were in your 20s, so how many was "many"? I doubt they were long or serious. Also, you would not be able to find anyone else while being emotionally attached to someone, no one else will compare. You need to separate properly, be on your own for a bit, date and then decide. I would imagine you are what, 35-36? With 4 kids I doubt you had time for many relationships except for flings.

I also find it strange that you say "there were many man who wanted to impregnate me" - wtf does this even mean?.. That's does not sound normal. What, there were many man who said "I will impregnate you but will not have anything to do with you"? How this kind of conversation would even happen?

You sound desperately in love with your husband, you put him on a pedestal. You sacrificed a lot for him. While all this time you denied yourself a fulfilling relationship with someone who would love you in a simple, non-complicated way, who would think you are enough, who would find you sexy and who would want to grow old with you. I get that this may not happen to many, but you did not even allow yourself to try and find this person.

It sounds as if the way he forces himself to give you some sexual attention and the toys etc it needs is similar to how a woman might force herself to think of England in order to stay in a relationship so she can see her children.

Is that part of the deal with you?

He cuddles up and performs oodles of foreplay etc the pay off is he gets access to the family he'd never have had as an outwardly gay man?

Gay men have married women and had children with them for centuries so I don't find this hard to believe. She has said several times that it was not easy and took a lot of work (which tbh I find weird since they could have used the turkey baster method, Deeply bizarre to me that she claims ignorance of this). I doubt he's aroused by her, he probably has to fantasise in his head during it. Which is why it is so incredibly weird to me that they keep having sex when there is no longer any need to do so. I think she gets something out of it and he probably thinks it's worth the occasional effort.

Yes and not even discussing other ways to get pregnant.

I don't think they have 'sex' as such with penetration.
It seems to be foreplay and using toys like a dildo, vibrator etc.

He's doing it to please her and perhaps so she will stick around with the children. It's transactional.

Again you are so deeply invested in him being a gay man even as you keep having sex with him knowing that he isn't attracted to you. He's never looked at you and felt a thrill of arousal, he's never felt his pulse speed up at the sight of you. He doesn't want you and yet you continue to have sex with him and don't struggle with the fact that he is, as you say over and over, gay. Why do you keep having sex with a gay man? Why does that matter so much to you?

I doubt he would care if you slept with another woman. What difference would it make to him?

And to clarify I do actually believe he is gay. Which is why I'm so stunned that you keep pursuing a sexual relationship with him.

Yeah I agree. He's doing it because he thinks it's worth it to keep her happy. I think he's accepting it as the price to be paid to have this happy family life.

If I engaged in a relationship with another woman or got pregnant by another man it would also be outside of our agreement.

WOW so you can have sex with other men as long as you don't conceive.

You are in one very weird set up.

All marriages are based on an agreement yet still one or both of the partners can fall short of this. In other words you still have the same possibility of your husband having an affair with another female "friend' as those in a heterosexual marriage. Ultimately you are no more secure in this arrangement than you would be if he wasn't supposedly gay which appears to be the reason you entered into the arrangement

That hasn’t come across at all

imv all long term sexual relations take work so I don’t think OP is doing more work than anyone else

Well, she said he couldn't get hard the first few times they tried and they don't have penetrative sex anymore (as in PIV).

I don't think forcing himself to have sex with a woman makes him bisexual. I'm willing to accept he's gay, or at the very least primarily sexually attracted to men.

Why do you bother to have this 'sex' with him rather than just pleasure yourself with the toys you use with him?
It sounds like him doing you a favour.
And as you know he doesn't find women attractive, surely you're just using him?
I can't see the pleasure in that at all.

This is the most strange thing about this setup.

They pleasure each other sexually instead of just pleasuring themselves or finding someone else to do it for them.

I used to live with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.
We never did anything remotely sexual because neither of us are gay.
I also regularly sleep in the same bed as a gay man and we’ve never done anything either because he is gay and it would repulse him to do anything with a woman.

I don’t understand why someone would be able to do sexual stuff with someone who they know finds them so repulsive that they really struggled to even get an erection around them.

TBH I think it turns her on.

This is going too far and becoming abusive.

Because sometimes it is just fun and convenient, I really don’t have any other way of explaining it and I understand unless you had been in this situation not understanding it.

it is not something we are doing twice a week, it’s something we do very occasionally. We share a bed, we’re very close, we’ve conceived and now have 4 young children. Often we will just pleasure ourselves next to each other but It isn’t weird or gross to us to now occasionally do things that we’ve both agreed we are both comfortable with. We’ve had a couple of drinks or a long day and it is sometimes just nice for someone else you trust to do it.

I pleasure him too, doing things I wouldn’t be at all interested in doing with another man, it doesn’t turn me on in the slightest. But I do enjoy making him feel good sometimes and he enjoys making me feel good sometimes too.

Plenty of men can’t get hard and it takes time - see many post on here

I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed with putting OPs husband in a box they agree with

they can get each other off and they know what works - it took a while to get there - that must be every arranged marriage in the book

See my previous reply.

It doesn’t. I get much more turned on having sex with other men but it still feels good being touched by him and I enjoy making him feel good even if I don’t find the things I’m doing to him pleasurable.

How is it fun to have sex with someone who doesn't find you physically attractive? I don't think you are being honest with yourself. I think you get a kick out of being his exception.

Please think about this properly. You INSIST he is gay and sexually attracted to men. He doesn't fancy you. He's never fancied you and he never will but you keep having sex with him and you say it's fun and convenient. What's fun about having sex with a man who doesn't want you? Can you not see that? Can you not see it's wrong? Get yourself off, use toys, have affairs. Leave the gay man alone ffs.

If you actually respected his sexuality you wouldn't keep this up but on you go regardless.

I am not invested in putting anyone in a box. I'm simply taking the OP at her own word. She has repeatedly insisted her husband is gay and doesn't find her sexually attractive. There is zero need for them to have sex. But she continues.

Well they obviously think there is - with eyes shut I’m sure oral sex feels the same to any man

you are one of those invested in trying to box her husband in - sexual attraction can move and wane

or in saying he’s this so it can’t be this

To be fair heterosexual couples often do the same but with feelogs involved. The difference is I can't imagine a totally gay man being remotely interested in a woman giving him sexual pleasure, in fact as far as my gay nephew is concerned even the idea woud make him flop. I think this is why the majority of posters believe this man is bisexual & your in an open marriage. Nothing wrong with that if both happy.

Because sometimes it is just fun and convenient

OP do you think heterosexual men going around giving their mates blowjobs for fun?

I love my best friend and we’ve been best friends for over 20 years.
I would do anything sexual with her because I’m not gay.

Someone who is straight would not do sexual things to someone of the same sex, just for fun.

Just like someone who is gay would not do things for fun with someone of the opposite sex.

If your DH is doing things sexually with you for fun, then he’s 100% bi-sexual.
If he’s not doing it for fun and you repulse him and it makes his skin crawl then he is likely to be gay - but then why put him/each other through it.