I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Yes the OP isn’t really answering many questions on her AMA

im intrigued as well she posted it on Valentine’s Day!

I've been propositioned by women in the past who thought because I sometimes like a hug when leaving a function I'd be up for a snog. . The fact is even when I've occasionally had a little too much to drink eg at a wedding I always recoil at the very thought. As far as I'm concerned straight people are not interested in same sex fumbling simply because they don't fancy it.

Well here’s your answer you had relationships with abusive men. You should have really done the Freedom programme to ensure you didn’t get into another abusive relationship. I’m not surprised that you jumped at the chance to marry and have kids with someone who wasn’t available in the usual sense.

Well I doubt her Valentine’s Day celebrations will be the same as other peoples. They’re not in love.

They love each other

you’ve totally missed what I was asking - posting about this marriage on the most romantic day of the year - how was she feeling?

useful to think about

I don't think that's true though. Gay men have always married women to have children and carry on the pretence of being a straight married man, even if just for the sake of inheritance. It is beyond comprehension for example, that we have had no Gay Kings. Of course we have, but they married and had sex with women in order to keep hold of the loot. Gay men enter into arranged marriages all the time in many cultures because of family disapproval/illegality etc. Marriage and childrearing being linked to romantic attraction is a very modern, Western concept.

I was away for work on my own in a hotel room, I suppose it brought up some emotions though

Gosh we’ve had loads of gay kings - or kings who liked men too

remember the myth about red hot poker up the bum for Edward 2nd

yikes!

Exactly . Thats what I mean. They all managed to get it up though. Maybe they lay back and thought of owning England!

It was very clinical affair - the first night half the realm of nobles would be in the room waiting to witness it happen

I think going forward either party could literally be reading a book or doing their nails 😂😂

No, I enjoy sex and intimacy which is why I’ve had sex with other men throughout our relationship and that was part of our agreement. But I’ve had bad sexual experiences in the past and it’s never been my priority, I feel there are mud better things than being sexually desired.

There’s been times when I’ve wanted it a lot less while having a small baby but I don’t believe that’s at all out of the ordinary.

DH isn’t forced to touch me and vice versa

Honestly, I think OP probably realises her marriage isn’t as happy as she made herself believe it was and perhaps it’s the first time she’s actually questioned things.

You can’t start a thread saying your DH is gay and spent the past 10+ years believing your relationship was one thing and then suddenly realising that it was a lie and he’s actually bi sexual and he’s simply choosing to not want to be monogamous with OP because he’s not that attracted to her/wants to have sex outside the marriage.

Its got to be a head fuck to think you’ve been in a lavender relationship with a gay man to now realising that actually no they’re just in an open marriage and he happens to be bisexual.

Perhaps seeing women post about how much they’re adored by their DHs has got her questioning things.

He is bi OP. I wonder why you are so attached to the idea he is gay?

I think OP knows her own mind

you can see the amount of people advocating for traditional marriage on here having had bad experiences as they by default think he’s having one over on her when In Fact their decision was entirely mutual - he’s not ripping her off at all

It's becoming very unstandable now.

You both had less than ideal childhoods/family relationships.
You had a number of abusive relationships.
He struggled with his sexuality - came out as gay, but then decided to present as straight, when he's most likely bisexual.

He had the finances to provide and wanted a beard and children.

You wanted safety, securing and several children of your own.

You both sought the family you didn't have growing up and found it in this mutual co-dependency.

It became of form of protectionism. Avoiding the real life dating scene and associated risks.

It might even work and feel comfortable but what happens when either of you decide you want to life your "true" life rather than this co-created half life of pretence?

It just seems terribly sad choice to me but I guess if you're happy, it work for you.

I don’t believe I had better options, I am yet to find another man who I feel I could trust and enjoy the company of as much as Dh or who would be a better father and I know lots of straight men who are good kind men.

But you will never find another man surely if you stay with this one?

You aren't looking for one- or are you?
What you have said is rather odd. If you are saying that your husband is the only suitable man on the entire planet, what are your plans once you split up?

I assume the sex you have outside of your marriage is one night stands- rather than looking for anyone who might be husband material?

Do you tell the men you have sex with that you are married and your H is gay?

What kind of online 'life' do you advertise?

I’m sure she does but until only a few hours ago she thought she was in a lavender marriage with a gay man, even though all of his ex lovers and her friends and family etc all saw him as bi-sexual.

Her AMA title is literally about being in a lavender marriage with a gay man, which is completely incorrect and it’s concerning if she’s spent the past 13+ years believing that.

If her AMA was that she’s in an open marriage because her DH prefers to have sex with men, then that would be a lot more accurate.

But he doesn’t sound bi. Bisexual people I know enthusiastically have full sex with either sex. That is not what OP is describing about their sex life at all.

It sounds more like they both have some sort of psychological/ emotional investment in pretending this is in some way a real marriage. Hence the blurred edges around being married/ sharing a bedroom/ have a minimal and unsatisfactory perfunctory sex life/ lying to their children about their true arrangement.

It sounds like the only non-typical thing about your marriage is that your Bi husband calls himself gay.

But he was able to bring himself to impregnate her 4 times so goodness knows how much sex that took to get there! Some women try for months to conceive.
But 4! Did you both want all those kids ? I can understand a woman using a 'kind gay man' to have a child with but not with actual sex- using a turkey baster.

Was he imaging he was with a man simply to get through it?
Did he want children so much that rather than find a man for himself and father through surrogacy, he went into this weird set up?

@dontquestion I suggest you listen to Radio 4 and the prog that was on this week - Wednesday morning and repeated later in the week- about a man now in his 50s who was desperate to be a dad but realised in his 20s he was gay. You can compare his experience with your H's.

My job means that I am working with lots of different people all the time and getting to know them well.
I’m not looking for someone else to leave DH for, no but I’ve met thousands of men, many where there is sexual chemistry but none that I have ever considered would overall be better for me.

I haven’t often had pure one night stands either.
Most men I’ve slept with know I am married, that my husband knows and also sleeps with other people, I don’t go out of my way to specify that is with men. And lots of men simply don’t care at all.

As others have said, gay men through history have had sex with women and got them pregnant. I am sure his mind was full of men during the act.

If he was bi, he would have a normal sex life with OP, rather than just having penetrative sex to get her pg, and then giving up on it.

I understand that and there are many examples in the last 100 years 'famous' men who were gay and were also fathers.

And I know someone in RL who did marry a gay man (knowingly), they had kids then he left her.

I find it harder to understand having four.

What comes to mind rather cynically is whether OP thought having more would mean he was more committed to her and likely to stay around.

I find it interesting that you haven't responded to anyone who's questioned why you and your husband persist in having sex when you are done having children. You say it's convenient but at the same time you say it takes a lot of work. And you at least are having sex with someone of your preferred sex. He's forcing himself to have sex with someone he's not attracted to and you treat this as entirely sensible and fine. I don't think you love and respect him.