I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

You are way too invested in this woman’s sex life and what does/doesn’t turn them both on. Different people are into different things, it’s not a new concept. You don’t need to approve

I'm well aware different people are into different things. I just thing it's wrong that this woman persists in having sex with someone who doesn't find her attractive. If she were a lesbian married to a man who kept pursuing sex with her everyone would see that as wrong. This is no different.

Women don’t need to make your skin crawl to be gay!

BTW - you said you “would” do anything sexual with your friend - Freudian slip eh

plenty of men and women sexually pleasure each other when nothing else available - they clearly do to keep things ticking over when busy - later they will peruse other avenues when they have more time

look at the Roman Empire - slaves we’re responsible for sexual pleasure too in a lot of houses and it was normal

I feel OP you have a really low sense of self worth if this is your existence.

you are one of those invested in trying to box her husband in - sexual attraction can move and wane
What?
Op is the one insisting her dh is 100% gay, not other posters.

And posters keep arguing with her as if they know better

It was obviously a typo don’t be so obtuse.

And you’re seriously saying that as slaves we’re kept for sexual pleasure, then they must have enjoyed it - they literally didn’t have a choice, they were slaves!

As any prostitute and the majority of them will say that they don’t do things with women - because they’re no gay. They’re able to overcome dirty, greasy men but they cannot force themselves to do things.

I work in a prison.
Some men will be in there for 15 years and never do anything with a man.
Some will be in for 3 days and choose to do stuff because they want to.
Some will do stuff for drugs, protection or through force but none of them enjoy it and are repulsed by it and do not carry it on on the outside.

You cannot be 100% gay and choose to do things with the opposite sex for fun.
Just like a straight person wouldn’t do anything with the same sex for fun.
Especially when they have an open marriage and can go out and get it elsewhere.

You might pleasure your female friends when you can’t get it from anywhere else but most of us don’t do that unless they’re bi-sexual.

Sometimes they do.

It maybe isn’t common or something that you or anyone you know does so you can’t understand but it does happen.

physical touch can be pleasurable without sexual attraction. Sex has always been transactional.

There are plenty of hetero couples who don’t find their partners at all physically attractive any more but are still able to physically enjoy sex with them,

prostitutes who don’t find their clients physically attractive (of either sex) are still able to actually physically enjoy the sex when they are comfortable and consenting.

people do all sorts of things for fun, all the time.

@dontquestion do you (or him) work in the sex industry?
You've mentioned porn and glamour modelling so it makes me wonder.

OP - if you're for real! - do either or both of you work in the porn industry? I wonder because you've mentioned glamour modelling, performing arts, abusive relationships, multiple sexual partners, working away from home - and there's been so much chat about sex but hardly any about family life with the children

Judging by op’s latest, very strange post, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

It would change your understanding of him being gay, but it wouldn’t change your agreement. You would still be besties raising your kids together.

The honest truth is, you wouldn’t like it because you would be jealous.

You are not just best friends. You have much deeper feelings for him.

No. I have done in the past though mainly glamour which I wouldn’t personally count as the sex industry.

I really think your head needs a good wobble.

You can write any old thing to try to justify your marriage and the sex/ no sex bit it doesn't stack up.

physical touch can be pleasurable without sexual attraction. Sex has always been transactional.

What on earth do you mean?

Who is getting and giving here?
Is he getting pleasure from touching you? (ie he's being 'kind')

It doesn't sound like fun from your other posts. It sounds hellish.

Couples who don't find their partner physically attractive tend not to have sex with them.

As for prostitutes do you know any? Have they told you they enjoy the sex?

And what has that got to do with you and your H where he's doing stuff to you when he doesn't like women. Who's the client there? You?

Glamour?

You mean taking your kit off and either performing or being photographed?

Is this how you have met 1000s of attractive men by the time you're 30-something?

I just answered the first part in my previous post.

But for the second part, nobody seems be asking anything about family life with the children! I would be happy to answer that, our children are a much bigger part of our life’s than our sex lives.

You are using an example of slaves being used sexually as an example to shore up your case this is not an exploitative situation?

Slavery was normal. It was still wrong. Ditto burning witches.

Why do people keep comparing being out about one's sexual orientation to describing explicit sex positions?? It's very homophobic.

You didn't answer it very well.

You don't want to talk about the kids.
You've already given fake ages etc.

The only comments about your kids are where posters have accused you of living a lie and how one day it will all go tits up.

Fair play to you OP, you’re certainly putting the hours in on this AMA as a busy working mother of 4 DC including a baby.

Posters have repeatedly asked you why you lie to your children about your arrangement, but you haven’t answered.

Other than that, I am not sure why you having children is more interesting than anyone else, or what you think might be asked?

OP if a ‘heterosexual’ man is giving his mates blow jobs for fun, then he is not heterosexual - he is bi-sexual.

I think you are also bisexual which is why you don’t understand this.

With every new post you seem more and more vulnerable.

Its absolutely fine to be in an open marriage.
Its also absolutely fine to be in a transactional marriage.
Whats not fine is believing you have something that you obviously don’t and it’s concerning that you can’t see this.

You admit that even people in real life think he’s bisexual.

I hope you have a lot of support from family in RL.

I have repeatedly asked you about your children. I've asked why you're choosing to lie to them, and what you expect to happen when they learn the truth. No answer - you just said you'd tell them your husband is bi. As if that's going to answer ANY of their questions.

I've also asked why you chose to have a fake marriage rather than simply set up as best friends co-parenting. No answer at all to this.

Others have asked similar questions which you've ignored.

But you're happy to talk endlessly about your forced sex arrangements and how it's 'convenient' for you to have sex. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say not many people want sex with someone who doesn't find them in any way physically attractive. In my experience, the only people who get off on this are creeps who enjoy the fact that they are making the other person do something they feel repulsed by.

I do really wonder if you're the husband, OP, and your wife is actually a lesbian. I think if you'd put it this way, a lot more people would be able to see clearly how fucked up this situation is for your partner and kids, and for yourself.

We both give and we both receive, it’s mutually benefitial.

I feel like I’m repeating my self. I don’t necessarily get physical pleasure from pleasing him, he doesn’t necessarily get physical pleasure from pleasing me but we can both enjoy making the other feel good.

you might not find it fun, fine don’t do it.

We also both do find each other attractive , we just aren’t sexually attracted to each other. There’s a difference.

Yes and yes but you can also just look it up.

Thanks for answering.
I was just curious.