Page 36 | I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

dontquestion · 2026-02-14T18:07:07+00:00

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together. Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us. AMA

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 16:57

I’m not looking for someone else to leave DH for, no but I’ve met thousands of men, many where there is sexual chemistry but none that I have ever considered would overall be better for me.

You could never know these men properly unless you dated them seriously.

If you have met thousands of men, what is your line of work?
Are you in the media- theatre, films, porn, etc? You mentioned your work with glamour models.

Very few of us have met thousands of men we could have an opinion on as possible husbands.

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 16:58

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 16:54

I understand that and there are many examples in the last 100 years 'famous' men who were gay and were also fathers.

And I know someone in RL who did marry a gay man (knowingly), they had kids then he left her.

I find it harder to understand having four.

What comes to mind rather cynically is whether OP thought having more would mean he was more committed to her and likely to stay around.

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Maybe they just both liked the idea of a large family. That seems the obvious explanation.

Just like the obvious explanation for penetrative sex being ‘very awkward’ and ending once the need to conceive went, is that he is not sexually attracted to women.

Mistybluebay · 15/02/2026 16:59

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 16:15

No, I enjoy sex and intimacy which is why I’ve had sex with other men throughout our relationship and that was part of our agreement. But I’ve had bad sexual experiences in the past and it’s never been my priority, I feel there are mud better things than being sexually desired.

There’s been times when I’ve wanted it a lot less while having a small baby but I don’t believe that’s at all out of the ordinary.

DH isn’t forced to touch me and vice versa

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This isn't a judgement of your ownl sexual acceptance in a partner. Having thought about it the idea of a man getting off on touching me without the sexual desire of me as a woman makes me shudder, no pun intended. If it works for you who's to judge but it wouldn't be for everyone.

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 16:59

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 16:50

As others have said, gay men through history have had sex with women and got them pregnant. I am sure his mind was full of men during the act.

If he was bi, he would have a normal sex life with OP, rather than just having penetrative sex to get her pg, and then giving up on it.

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It was always the plan to have 3 or 4, we both wanted a big family.

The biggest age gap we have is between DC3 and DC4, we tried to get pregnancy quickly with number 4 and it wasn’t working so we gave up and I was happy with that. It was his idea to then try again to have a 4th.

OP posts:

Applecharlotte2 · 15/02/2026 17:00

Random321 · 15/02/2026 16:26

It's becoming very unstandable now.

You both had less than ideal childhoods/family relationships.
You had a number of abusive relationships.
He struggled with his sexuality - came out as gay, but then decided to present as straight, when he's most likely bisexual.

He had the finances to provide and wanted a beard and children.

You wanted safety, securing and several children of your own.

You both sought the family you didn't have growing up and found it in this mutual co-dependency.

It became of form of protectionism. Avoiding the real life dating scene and associated risks.

It might even work and feel comfortable but what happens when either of you decide you want to life your "true" life rather than this co-created half life of pretence?

It just seems terribly sad choice to me but I guess if you're happy, it work for you.

Gosh you need to take a look at average marriage - and remember it’s a social institution deliberately brought about to serve men

OP has many of the things they lack

I don’t think she needs a pity party at all - she’s made an informed decision - just like women who decide to go it alone becuase they are not very impressed with what they’ve seen

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 17:01

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 16:59

It was always the plan to have 3 or 4, we both wanted a big family.

The biggest age gap we have is between DC3 and DC4, we tried to get pregnancy quickly with number 4 and it wasn’t working so we gave up and I was happy with that. It was his idea to then try again to have a 4th.

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You are very purposely avoiding the questions about how you run your extra-marital sex.

Are you honest with those men?

How do you (literally) find the time and place?

I'm guessing these are hook-ups when you are away on business and I'm also guessing it's in some media/arty world where you travel.

Does your husband know of when it's happening?

Tacohill · 15/02/2026 17:03

Most men I’ve slept with know I am married, that my husband knows and also sleeps with other people,

So you are admitting that you’re in an open marriage with a bi-sexual man, rather than a lavender marriage?

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:05

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 16:54

I find it interesting that you haven't responded to anyone who's questioned why you and your husband persist in having sex when you are done having children. You say it's convenient but at the same time you say it takes a lot of work. And you at least are having sex with someone of your preferred sex. He's forcing himself to have sex with someone he's not attracted to and you treat this as entirely sensible and fine. I don't think you love and respect him.

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We don’t just persist in having sex and at least not penetrative, when we are seeing other people it’s very rare. We do occasionally physically pleasure each other for fun, we’re best friends and we sleep in the same bed nearly every night, it’s not weird or awkward for us and nobody is forced to do anything.

There are things out of his comfort zone and there are things out of mine, we never do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:07

Tacohill · 15/02/2026 17:03

Most men I’ve slept with know I am married, that my husband knows and also sleeps with other people,

So you are admitting that you’re in an open marriage with a bi-sexual man, rather than a lavender marriage?

No. You can think that if you want though, it’s fine.

I agreed to marry and have children with my gay best friend, knowing he was gay and we were just friends.

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KilkennyCats · 15/02/2026 17:09

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:07

No. You can think that if you want though, it’s fine.

I agreed to marry and have children with my gay best friend, knowing he was gay and we were just friends.

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It clearly comforts you to believe this, so I’m baffled as to what you wanted from this thread.

Usernamesettings · 15/02/2026 17:09

Could I ask why it would bother you if he slept with other women when it doesn’t bother you that he sleeps with other men?

Mistybluebay · 15/02/2026 17:11

Usernamesettings · 15/02/2026 17:09

Could I ask why it would bother you if he slept with other women when it doesn’t bother you that he sleeps with other men?

Great question although I'm not sure OP will answer this.

Mistybluebay · 15/02/2026 17:12

I never saw the update mentioning this but still interested in why

seaviewlassy · 15/02/2026 17:12

You are both Bi-sexual.

The End.

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 17:12

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:05

We don’t just persist in having sex and at least not penetrative, when we are seeing other people it’s very rare. We do occasionally physically pleasure each other for fun, we’re best friends and we sleep in the same bed nearly every night, it’s not weird or awkward for us and nobody is forced to do anything.

There are things out of his comfort zone and there are things out of mine, we never do that.

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But you are persisting. He's gay. You are very insistent on this point. So why don't you feel weird about continuing to have sex with a man who doesn't find you sexually attractive? What are you getting out of this? I think you get a kick out of it tbh. Why is it so important to you that your marriage is not platonic? Why do you both feel it matters so much to pretend it's real, even down to having sex when he doesn't physically desire you?

Random321 · 15/02/2026 17:13

If true, it's absolutely a trauma response.

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:14

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 17:01

You are very purposely avoiding the questions about how you run your extra-marital sex.

Are you honest with those men?

How do you (literally) find the time and place?

I'm guessing these are hook-ups when you are away on business and I'm also guessing it's in some media/arty world where you travel.

Does your husband know of when it's happening?

Edited

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Most know I am married, some ask if my husband knows and I always say yes. Nobody has ever really cared or asked any more than that. I’ve had one arrangement with a man I knew before Dh who knew more details.

It depends, I haven’t slept with anyone since my youngest was born. I haven’t had the time or energy. We have both have to travel a lot for work where there is often lots of spare time.

Correct

Yes, we are both completely honest with each other.

OP posts:

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 17:14

KilkennyCats · 15/02/2026 17:09

It clearly comforts you to believe this, so I’m baffled as to what you wanted from this thread.

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I am not convinced he's actually bisexual since he doesn't enthusiastically have sex with her. She has said several times that it takes work and involves porn and toys. But she keeps having sex with him despite this. I think she enjoys the fact that he's gay and she's his oh-so-special exception.

Random321 · 15/02/2026 17:16

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 17:14

I am not convinced he's actually bisexual since he doesn't enthusiastically have sex with her. She has said several times that it takes work and involves porn and toys. But she keeps having sex with him despite this. I think she enjoys the fact that he's gay and she's his oh-so-special exception.

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I think she enjoys the fact he's gay purely because it means sex is only on her terms. It's a self defense mechanism.

KilkennyCats · 15/02/2026 17:16

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 17:14

I am not convinced he's actually bisexual since he doesn't enthusiastically have sex with her. She has said several times that it takes work and involves porn and toys. But she keeps having sex with him despite this. I think she enjoys the fact that he's gay and she's his oh-so-special exception.

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So unhealthy for every member of this strange family.

TheCriticalThinker · 15/02/2026 17:17

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:05

We don’t just persist in having sex and at least not penetrative, when we are seeing other people it’s very rare. We do occasionally physically pleasure each other for fun, we’re best friends and we sleep in the same bed nearly every night, it’s not weird or awkward for us and nobody is forced to do anything.

There are things out of his comfort zone and there are things out of mine, we never do that.

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Why do you keep throwing in that he's your best friend?

Most people don't marry and have sex with their best friend. And if they do, they become more than their just their best friend?

Mistybluebay · 15/02/2026 17:18

BeaRightThere · 15/02/2026 17:14

I am not convinced he's actually bisexual since he doesn't enthusiastically have sex with her. She has said several times that it takes work and involves porn and toys. But she keeps having sex with him despite this. I think she enjoys the fact that he's gay and she's his oh-so-special exception.

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My thoughts too apart from I thought gay men would recoil at sex with a woman which is why they identify as gay

Random321 · 15/02/2026 17:19

"We are both completely honest with each other".

Difficult to believe when you aren't even honest with yourselves!!

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 17:21

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:07

No. You can think that if you want though, it’s fine.

I agreed to marry and have children with my gay best friend, knowing he was gay and we were just friends.

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Friends do not 'pleasure each other' and sleep in the same bed when one of them purports to be gay.

My DH is my best friend but it started with sexual attraction that could quite easily have been a one night stand. I slept with him very early on. It's only after decades together that he's become my best friend.

I'm not saying don't live your life as you choose but I don't think the terminology and definitions you're giving it are right.

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 17:21

Usernamesettings · 15/02/2026 17:09

Could I ask why it would bother you if he slept with other women when it doesn’t bother you that he sleeps with other men?

Because as far as we are concerned he is a gay man. Our agreement is that we both are allowed to sleep with other men to fulfill our sexual needs while remaining in a ‘lavender marriage’

If he decided he now wanted to try being with other women then fine but I would expect to honest with me first and it would change our arrangement.

If I found out he’d slept with another woman it would be outside of what we agreed. If I engaged in a relationship with another woman or got pregnant by another man it would also be outside of our agreement.

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