I am the real Father Christmas. AMA.

[SantaHoHoHo]

I am not as jolly as you think I am. I am underused most of the year, and overworked for a day. Totally underpaid. Fed up of being asked to work miracles, uphold traditions and spread joy. AMA.

My DD would like to know if you really eat a mince pie in every single house.

Any thoughts on the workers rights of your elves? Do they have a union?

Can you bring me a present please, as for various reasons I won't have anything to unwrap this year. Just a small token, Baylis and Harding would be fine although I might get chucked off Mumsnet for saying that! Thank you! 😄

Yes. It’s why I’m so bloody fat.

Isn't it time we stop teaching children to be 'good' to appease an old man they don't know in exchange for a gift? Sometimes they have to be good and sit on the man's lap just to get a gift. It's fucking creepy.

My son would like to know why you don’t die when everyone else does?! I struggled to explain that one…

They don’t need a union, feckless lot. They just prance about in striped tights, pretending to make toys, but really they’re ordering from Amazon like the rest of us.

This is very timely! The other night DD7 asked me:
A) if you are older than Jesus
B) who your dad was

TIA!

Why didn't you bring me a Dalek suit when I was 6? I got homemade stilts FFS! I wrote you a nice letter and everything. And I was Good.

Listen, we all know I’m not really that interested. Your best bet is to go and buy yourself something bloody fabulous, wrap it in a way that feels special and pretend you don’t know where it came from. That way you get something you really love and leave others guessing.

I don’t like it any more than you do.

Are you quite merry after drinking all the booze left out for you?

RSPCA are keeping an eye on you, you dickhead.

Because I’m fucking MAGICAL. That’s all.

You can't call Santa a dickhead. You won't get any presents.

Are you actually like Jimllfixit
😕

Where is my pony???? I've been asking for one since I was 4.

A) Yes. I am as old as time, older than my teeth but younger than my beard.
B) The Spirit of Christmas Past. Obviously.

What’s your ethnicity? Because Lapland in Scandinavia seems to be your home, but you have Germanic origins. Are you an Anglo Saxon?

Not my fault your parents missed the mark. I’m only in it for the mince pies.

There’s nothing merry about me. Alcohol makes me morose.

Thanks, mate. I’m sure they know where to find me.

Good God. No. I don’t even bloody LIKE kids.

Is it true you only come once a year? Could that be why you’re not jolly all the time?

Bloody hell. I get the blame for EVERYTHING. I only really bring socks, chocolate coins and one of those fat, clicky pens that writes in four colours.
And Amazon don’t sell ponies.