I am the real Father Christmas. AMA.

[SantaHoHoHo]

I am not as jolly as you think I am. I am underused most of the year, and overworked for a day. Totally underpaid. Fed up of being asked to work miracles, uphold traditions and spread joy. AMA.

I don’t lead the franchising. Ever seen the MacDonald’s documentary? The first person to set it up got ripped off and they’re the ones making the profit.
To be fair though if it was left to me to run, I wouldn’t bloody do it. Then there’d be no grotto visits, which for some parents would be a relief, I’m sure.

As to the letters, they’re ridiculous. Millions of ‘em. Some are definitely Chatbot. Some are kids’ indecipherable scrawl which is NOT CUTE no matter what their mum thinks.
To be honest - I can’t be arsed to read any of ‘em.

Well now you know I’m not here to compensate you for a bad Christmas nearly 60 years ago, we’ll probably get on better.

I don't need to tell you that the Dalek incident of 1963 scarred me for life. But I'm not bitter - not at all. I'm glad we had this chat (I think).

Cheers. Glad we’ve cleared the air.
I’d appreciate a mince pie.

You're pushing your luck now.

😢

What's your favourite brand of mince pie? Do you like "homemade" baking?

Does anyone get you a present?

Do you take your shoes off before entering people's houses? According to Mumsnet, it's a global standard that all visitors do so.

Do you obey "Santa Stop Here" signs?

Do you sneakily use toilets in people's houses, or do you respect Mumsnetters' dictacts that no tradesmen will ever use theirs?

No matter how curmudgeonly Father Christmas is, he is NOT a tradesman.

I’m not in it for a test taste. A mince pie is a mince pie, in my book. Not a fan of cookies - American rubbish!

No.
Never.

Unless you count the mince pies.

No. No time. I’m in and out and am never dirty, due to the fact I’m just a bit magical.

I do not obey signs telling me what to do. I know my job description. I’m stopping anyway, whether I like it or not.

No to toilets. The portaloo and chocolate logs have already been picked apart!

I appreciate this.
And I don’t appreciate much, to be honest.

Why did you never bring me the Mr Frosty I asked for?

There are probably a few reasons.

a) you weren’t as good as you thought you were
b) your mum thought it was overpriced tat (she was right)
c) Amazon had sold out

Dear Father Christmas,
Is Billy Bob Thornton's depiction of you about right, then?

Apart from the anal sex, the alcoholism and the burglary - yep, pretty much.

What part of the job do you enjoy most

Does Mrs Claus make you a nice breakfast when you arrive home on Christmas morning?

One of my DDs was concerned, at the time of the referendum, that Brexit would mean that you'd lose the magic key to Tesco. Were there any Brexit consequences for you?

Boxing Day.

Well I can tell you haven’t read my posts and have just turned up to put the Christmas boot in.

I’ve learned not to get involved in war, religion, politics and family dynamics.

So, let me clarify a number of points.

You’re a fat old bloke who promises the world as long as I’m good.
You deliver very little even though year in and year out, I’ve pulled my tripe out to be good “enough”.
People think you’re a lovely bloke but underneath the suit and padding, the YoHoHo, your mean as fuck.
Any disappointment is “someone else’s” fault.

Magical MY arse! You’re my exH and my gift to me was the Degree Absolute!