I am the real Father Christmas. AMA.

[SantaHoHoHo]

I am not as jolly as you think I am. I am underused most of the year, and overworked for a day. Totally underpaid. Fed up of being asked to work miracles, uphold traditions and spread joy. AMA.

1. No. I don’t have the documents for a DBS check and to be honest, parents ‘stranger danger’ mantras go out of the window when it comes to me
2. Jesus. Read my updates. Don’t rub it in.

They are the Boozy Christmas Fairies, sourcing alcohol miniatures for the best Christmas crackers.

In terms of getting in the way, the sleigh is like an emergency service. We’re smashing our way through, regardless.

Listen, the job market’s tough. I’m not exactly developing new skills, am I? Can’t see myself suddenly becoming an accountant or a copper.

It won’t have. It’s a cheap one that gonna stop clicking after a week and get stuck on black.

Nothing to do with me. Luck of the draw.
Not sure whether to be impressed with you capitalising on the situation, or frustrated that you can’t control your kid without using me as a tool - but it’s no skin off my nose in the end.

You've got until 4am on the 25th to deliver.

fess up…. It’s your wife that organises everything isn’t it???

It will either happen or it won’t. It’s about time someone else stepped up and took some responsibility for making stuff happen.

She left me years ago.
Thanks to Mumsnet.

I'll do it.

How tall is the tooth fairy and can the Easter bunny talk?

Sorry to break it to you - but Satan’s not best trusted. Especially by the kids.

What do you do the rest of the year? Do you hang out on a rather lovely private Caribbean beach?

Can he talk?! Try shutting him up. The Easter Bunny is a hairy chancer. Foul mouthed and egotistical. Thinks Easter is all about him and chocolate and is trying to rewrite the Bible.

There is more than one Tooth Fairy. Full training academy. It’s a bloody non-stop process. Eight hour shifts. Used to be 12, but they unionised. Like the police, there’s a minimum height - it’s an inch. Any smaller and it’s impossible to hold the tooth and still fly.

I'm a lowly bobble-headed dashboard ornament.

God, no. With my beard? Bloody itchy when it’s hot. I’m like the rest of you when you’re not at work. I’m on the settee in my pants watching Netflix.

Guilty by association, I’m afraid.

Ok to porta loo… What’s happens if the reindeers need a poo mid flight?

ps love this post

They don’t miss a beat. We call it Plop ‘n’ Drop.

You know the threads on here that ask, ‘what has shit in my garden?’ accompanied by a photo? Sometimes it’s reindeer shit. Poke it with a stick and look for the glitter.

Why don't you just ... quit?
LTBJ.
leave the bastard job

What's your view on log burning stoves versus traditional fireplaces?

Isn't it about time you introduced some quality control into your franchising operation? Or do you just recruit any old loser for the personal amusement of watching the Daily Fail get all frothy about it.

Also, have you received any letters via the chimney logistics system that were clearly written by ChatGPT?

You're right Father Christmas. I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself at my age sinking so low. Mind you, I'm not sure I like your attitude either!

And do what? Never paid into a pension. No union. Gonna have to keep going until I drop, which won’t be any time soon seeing as I’m a permanent senior citizen.

Well they’re all difficult, one way or the other. Both have hazards and neither has enough room.
I much prefer the houses that leave out the magic key where I can cut out the rigmarole.