I am the real Father Christmas. AMA.

[SantaHoHoHo]

I am not as jolly as you think I am. I am underused most of the year, and overworked for a day. Totally underpaid. Fed up of being asked to work miracles, uphold traditions and spread joy. AMA.

Listen mate, I’m trying to spread Christmas magic with the RSPCA on my tail. Rudolph’s a fucking diva - it’s all put on.

Don’t play dumb. They’re just bad look-a-likes on minimum wage. Most of ‘em don’t even have proper beards, FFS.

The fact you’re even having to ask means you’re hoping I don’t know.
I know EVERYTHING but to be honest I don’t really give a toss.

Don’t worry.
@Differentstarts is being a twat and it’s gonna backfire. Let’s see what THEY get in their stocking.

God, no. She divorced me years ago. Apparently a fucking nest of vipers told her I was a lazy cocklodger who was shit all year but took the credit for Christmas in front of the family.

There’s nothing I want more than to never be asked for a gift again. Buy your own Dalek. It’s probably cheaper than what I’d charge for a bribe 🤷

Do you know Tom Bombadil?

He’s really not. Too many bloody questions.

Do I fuck. I’m kept away from people since the event that shan’t be mentioned happened in Düsseldorf.

Cut the reins and whip the others so they take up the slack.

Can you add @SantaHoHoHo to the naughty list please for swearing

Parents don’t have a cut off. It’s out of my hands.

Bloody hell Barbara. I don’t hate poor kids.

I hate ALL kids.

Depends on my mince pies, mate. Blocked the portaloo more than once.

Mate, he’s not REAL. He’s from a bloody book. Don’t believe everything you read.

Fuck off you - I OWN the bloody list.
Anyway, who do you think is sorting MY present?! Nobody thinks about me. I never got a Mr Frosty either.

Why didn't you bypass all the parents that didn't want Mr Frosty in the house in the 1980s?

What's the big secret with the toy workshops?

Are they in fact - Elf sweatshops?

Elf exploitation!

Two questions;

1. Do you have a DBS check?
2. Does Mrs Claus carry all the mental load for Xmas, and you show up just to do the deliveries?

Ta

Do you think the "mysterious drones" will get in the way of you delivering gifts this year? What do you reckon they are?

If you hate it so much, why do you do this job? Is it the hours and holidays, or the warm welcomes you get from the mums who stay up late, waiting for you to come?

Maybe if its got really good springs I could use it like a pogo stick 😁

I would like to say how VERY impressed my daughter was with you, Santa, some 31 years ago.

You won't remember, but she stood and gazed wistfully at a Little Mermaid in a toy store window for ages. No list was made, and it wasn't mentioned again.

Then when we were in Lapland a couple of weeks later, we met you and you gave her -- a Little Mermaid toy!

It was fabulous -- not the toy, that was Made in Sweatshop tat of course, but the firm belief it gave her that she HAD to be "good" as "you never can tell when Santa might be watching!"

So thank you, you curmudgeonly old goat!

To be honest, mostly I just gave him to the kids whose parents thought it was a waste of money, just to watch the dads trying to crush ice with a plastic handle. I have to get my fun somewhere.

You’ve got it all wrong.
There are no elf workshops.
It’s Amazon, Argos and Smyth’s.