I am the real Father Christmas. AMA.

[SantaHoHoHo]

I am not as jolly as you think I am. I am underused most of the year, and overworked for a day. Totally underpaid. Fed up of being asked to work miracles, uphold traditions and spread joy. AMA.

Oh I love a fat clicky pen. Can I have one this year please.

Thank you for replying (this time) but I don't understand, I mean what has it got to do with my parents? 🤔

(I understand the bit about mince pies - that's why you've got a big tummy 😊)

I don’t have one. I’m just a fat, old bloke created by magic. I belong here, there and everywhere and to everyone. And I’m an introvert so it’s no fun.

Of course you can. But just to be on the safe side, make sure you tell someone other than me.

Are the rumours true that you are going to get rid of the reindeer and get one of those ghastly electric vehicles?

Where is my Girl’s World styling head? I’ve been waiting for it since the mid 80s.

This is AMA which is a free for all on questions, so I'm going to be brave - here goes. How the hell do you go to the loo mid deliveries on the 24th/25th. Are there onboard sledge facilities or do you use the facilities in the houses you visit? Or do you avoid eating the mince pies and drinking whatever's left out?

Jesus, all this sex talk gets exhausting. Ignored all year and then wanted at Christmas is no way to live.

Really? This is unreal. The exact same thing happened to me when I was six. This was 1963 (I expect you're a lot younger)! They had 3ft high Daleks for sale in Lewis's department store and they moved and said "exterminate" and everything. I so wanted one but they were £50 guineas and my dad only earned around £12 a week. Instead, dad made me homemade stilts. I still want one of those Daleks!

Ask your mum.

Don't do it. Don't introduce the missed present chat. MR FROSTY.

No. By Christmas Eve the reindeer are ITCHING to be let out of the shed.

Probably still with Amazon.

I love a practical question because the fucking magical ones get boring.
There’s a portaloo on board.

You’re both bloody ungrateful.

Why do you go by three names - Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas? It’s confusing!

Please can I have some of the magic dust that makes your reindeer fly . I am sick of been stuck in traffic

Don't care. I blame you Father Christmas, so there.

What did you think of Raymond Briggs' incisive documentary/expose about you?

Nothing to do with me. Anyway you know what it’s like.
Real name is Nicholas: Gran calls me something else; mates call me something entirely different; Auntie Janet manages to make it rhyme 🙄

Do you get loads of free Coca Cola each year, in return for your incredible acting in their ads? Or do you insist on cold, hard cash? Or are you only able accept chocolate coins?

It’s not really magic. It’s pent up energy from being locked in a shed for 364 days. (That’s why the RSPCA is watching me.)

It’s gonna end badly for you AGAIN this year.

Are you going to give @Bignanna coal this year

Load of shit. What does HE know, anyway. All made up.