I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

What makes you think the relationship is so unique? It sounds like it's just the same as a lot of relationships, except with you having more control as you're asking him to pretend to be misogynistic rather than it being a real dominant situation?

Surely in a true dom/sub act you wouldn't be having a cup of tea brought to you.. sounds more like a normal relationship which you want to feel is unique?

Hi, I just wanted to ask, if there was no social element to go with this lifestyle (as in the “munch” thing you mentioned) and there wasn’t a platform to discuss it like this , if you couldn’t buy equipment for it - basically, if this arrangement was entirely between you and your partner and nobody else knew about it, would it be the same for you/ would it have the same appeal?
Did you talk about being a submissive as part of the therapy you had?

It’s not just submissive though, is it, this far exceeds it, it’s the humiliation and abuse, I understand the op apparently loves it, wants it, needs it, but the kneeling, sitting in the floor. The punishments, the financial abuse. It has moved very far from submissive,unless submissive is defined as submitting to allow someone else to humilaite, control and abuse you.

and that’s the issue with this thread. What the op describes goes far beyond what would be classed as submissive and is very exfrme,

My overriding impression is that this is not sexy, or exciting but rather silly and a bit tragic.

I sincerely wish posters here would stop posting thinly veiled attacks on the OP, pretending they ‘genuinely’ want an answer.

Because of the original nastiness, it took a while for the thread to stabilise, and now, the whole thread is what? 50% AMA and 50% attack? It’s tedious.

Just because YOU think little of sub/dom matters does not give you the right to derail or destroy the thread. It’s a blinkered approach.

You’ve stated your (unwanted) criticism. So now just move on to something that DOES interest you. It will be more satisfying for you, and less tedious for MNers who ARE interested in the topic.

When I hear these things on other media, I imagine Jamie and Dakota, and the reality ends up being Wayne and Waynetta.

But many ARE interested. Not because they themselves fancy a bit of domestic subjugation, but to understand what goes wrong in someone's life that they end up wanting to be secondary to their partner and to even be abused by them.

I would love to know what damage led the OP to such low self-esteem but for all the verbosity, we are none the wiser. I would question the mental-health of a friend or relative in this sort of relationship and I'd feel very sorry for her.

So, 'none the wiser', you should be able to move on....

@swimlyn

There's not one kind of "interested" in this topic.

The OP has stated she was abused as a child and is suffering from trauma as a result.

OP what was your husband's childhood like ?

What was / is he like as a father?

I’d be interested to know your husbands background too
How did you guys meet and how did the topic come up? Was your Dh like this in previous relationships too?

No it's not. Maybe some people have pre arranged that with each other, not that I've ever heard of people doing that, but most people just go for an evening out in a pub to drink and chat and then go home with whoever they came with, or alone.

The reason why people go (I mean, obviously sometimes people do want to pull as well lol) is it's nice to chat to people with similar interests about a topic that interests you. And it's easier to make friends with like minded people with similar interests.

If people are mainly arranging to shag or 'play' then there are other events and venues for that, which people make use of. There are quite a few events and munches each month in any major city and stuff.

Now, that's quite interesting.

Not what I’ve heard about munches as yes they are to make friends but they are a sort of hook up too so I’ve heard so take that with a pinch of salt as I’m going by what friends have told me.

One friend did say men can be a bit handsy as well which she avoids.

I was interested because op version is different from my friends version is all.

Unlike you I'm not just going by what friends have told me, I'm going on what I've personally seen with my own eyes.

Lots of couples and singles go there to mingle with others socially. That's what I did. I mean, obviously some might theoretically arrange stuff later, but that's not necessarily the main goal of it.

There are other events for 'play' etc which aren't munches.

Maybe it varies slightly based on the area and what they have going on.

I mean this politely but if they were arranging sex with one another you are unlikely to know. I think you maybe mean you went socially and no one approached you for sex? It really doesn’t mean when you were not listening they didn’t approach each other?

Aren't all pubs hook up joints to a lesser or greater degree??

friend has said it’s essentially a hook up and making friends with like minded kinksters. folks know what’s going on. Why would she lie?

so there are by definition different kinds of munches then we can agree on that

now for the op I believe she is the dominant one not the husband in this situation as she admitted to liking to be in control you can't be in control if submissive.surely

Can everyone stop saying "munch"

I feel queasy.

I think people were nicer to the male poster because he didn't come straight out of the trap holding his relationship/lifestyle up as superior to that of other people.

It's interesting to me that the OP and her bloke were marathon runners. Another form of self flagellation. You can't keep running forever. One day you have to stand still, stop play acting and face your self.

Using a £5 limit on non essential goods as a method of being listened to is one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

Watching this thread unfold is like picking the legs off a damaged insect that doesn't know it's damaged.

Poor OP. Her poor kids.

@Churchview

Off topic but people do marathons because they’re really fun – the training makes you feel great, mentally and physically, and the events are really enjoyable.

This really made me laugh tho:

You can’t keep running forever

😄😄

Perhaps that's just me then @PrimaDoner .
I trained for a half marathon once and some of my toenails went black and came off.
I didn't personally get as far as the really fun bit 😀

I assumed she did all of it because she gets turned on by it.

I keep looking at people at work and thinking god I wonder if they live like this! Do we think that’s the dynamic with Kim k‘s ex and his new wife? I saw a picture of her with no shoes on and that seemed to be a bit like that. But yes, as someone said earlier how can you be arsed.

From reading the OPs posts I'd guess that she does all this as that is what love is for her. She's said she was abused as a child and was not given the care she needed.

I can't believe working full time, then coming home to do all the cooking, cleaning, plus all the 'acts of servitude' , kneeling and the weekly appraisals can be anything but utterly tiring and not at all sexy.

I can understand a couple wanting to spice things up in the bedroom with a bit of bdsm, then going back to normal life, but what the OP is doing has gone way beyond that and she even admits that's her love language.

I thought she did it as it’s sprialled down to this extreme level and she doesn’t wish the marriage to end.

For at least two decades. due to kids, she’s not lived like this. It was clearly very different. Now they’ve left home, she’s alone with him, and this is what she has to do. Kneel when he comes home. Wait kneeling in the bedroom at bed time. Sit on th4 floor not allowed on the sofa, get punished in a way she can’t speak of.

what probably was going on throughout was, She can’t even spend her own money and has to ask permission for anything non essential over a fiver. He says what she wears, decides her clothes, she does everything in th4 house, she does everything for the kids she says, so he doesn’t get involved. Maybe punishments weren’t as brutal /harsh/humilating, if kids were there.

and if he was reading this thread, then she’s always going to put it she loves it.

but no one healthy can love this. Sure, I can see it as a game every now and again, but 24/7, to live like this, it’s hard to read, sad. ----