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AMA

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

705 replies

BellaDelBosco · 20/06/2024 17:17

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

OP posts:
Sevenwondersofthewoo · 25/06/2024 10:47

BellaDelBosco · 24/06/2024 16:08

I went to make friends and to be with people who have the same sexual identity as myself. I was active (in another country) in the scene 2 decades ago before getting married and I miss those friendships dearly. It was really great as I feel we did (begin to) make connections. The fact that we could talk about things and they would 'get' it immediately it was so refreshing and liberating.

Back to this yes to make friends but that’s a prelude surely to go to a venue or home with these like minded folks and have sex.

you’ve said you don’t share well your monogamous so why go when most of them want sex with others or have you found a D/s one that ticks all the boxes.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 25/06/2024 10:50

GoodieMcTwoshoes · 24/06/2024 21:42

Oh I love this question. Definitely emotional. Silence made me realise how wordy I am, but also D type realised how much he missed me speaking so I think it was a double win for me that one :) Silence is definitely a spiritual practice, I can see why it's practiced in many major religions. It made me feel more centered and grounded, more aware of the many ways we can communicate. And so grateful that we have words.

Hi @BellaDelBosco , if you are doing a spiritual or quasi-spiritual practice like deliberate silence, you would get so much more from it if it were centred on Jesus. If you found it beneficial, maybe you could go on a silent retreat for the weekend? I think I would get bored even doing it in daily life tho lol.

To the others, about munches I have been to those and OP is right that they are not primarily to pull, but to make friends with people on the same page and chat. Of course people might happen to also find someone that lights their candle and is into the same things occasionally, but nothing would tend to happen there and then. They are mostly held in pubs etc.

To your last comment on munches I know they are held in pubs but it’s a prelude to going to venues and homes to have sex with others usually with others watching or not depending on the venue/home set up. Why go if you don’t want to have sex with others and don’t share

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 25/06/2024 10:52

DDUndercover · 24/06/2024 21:23

I am enjoying the read. I hope this isnt deleted. There are some points I would like to come back to myself. You seem very self-aware and have clear desired and boundaries. I am envious and oddly proud!

Can I ask why you’re envious of this set up

PrimaDoner · 25/06/2024 10:57

Spudthespanner · 25/06/2024 10:30

@PrimaDoner

Eh? I'm not fussed in the slightest by all the waffle either from you or OP. She's inviting judgement and derision.

lol ok! You wrote a two-paragraph-long post and tagged me in it. That’s the sole reason we're interacting right now 😂

Red0 · 25/06/2024 11:13

I kind of want to meet the OP to see what she is like IRL as I really can’t imagine

Red0 · 25/06/2024 11:14

Not at a ‘munch’ though I might add -lol-

Sillystrumpet · 25/06/2024 11:21

Red0 · 25/06/2024 11:13

I kind of want to meet the OP to see what she is like IRL as I really can’t imagine

The image I have of her and her husband is not flattering. I can’t lie.

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/06/2024 11:36

I know they are held in pubs but it’s a prelude to going to venues and homes to have sex with others usually with others watching or not depending on the venue/home set up.

How many have you been to?

Sillystrumpet · 25/06/2024 11:38

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/06/2024 11:36

I know they are held in pubs but it’s a prelude to going to venues and homes to have sex with others usually with others watching or not depending on the venue/home set up.

How many have you been to?

I’m not answering foe the poster, but will point out that’s none of your business. They are not the op. It is not their ama,

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/06/2024 11:41

@Sillystrumpet I ask because your comment was stated as fact. If that was your intention then you must have personal experience of going to a munch and then on to another venue for sex, hence asking how many munches of that nature you've actually attended. I wasn't asking the OP.

Sillystrumpet · 25/06/2024 11:46

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/06/2024 11:41

@Sillystrumpet I ask because your comment was stated as fact. If that was your intention then you must have personal experience of going to a munch and then on to another venue for sex, hence asking how many munches of that nature you've actually attended. I wasn't asking the OP.

You were not asking me either as I didn’t make the comment, please take rhe time to read again,

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/06/2024 11:52

Sillystrumpet · 25/06/2024 11:46

You were not asking me either as I didn’t make the comment, please take rhe time to read again,

My apologies.

Sillystrumpet · 25/06/2024 12:25

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/06/2024 11:52

My apologies.

Thanks and no worries, I was just taking exception to thr question as I find it a rather insidious way to try to say I don’t believe you or you’re wrong. Just come out and say it,

Pottlee · 25/06/2024 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QueenBitch666 · 25/06/2024 15:12

I can from personal experience appreciate the sexual thrill and dynamics of a D/s relationship but to do this 24/7 strikes me as demeaning and akin to slavery. Women have fought long and hard to get away from being treated like a slave. Please don't say you have children witnessing this 😞

Calliecarpa · 25/06/2024 15:16

Was hoping that this thread was going to be hugely interesting and insightful, but it's been sadly disappointing, to me anyway. (Also not sure we ever got an explanation as to how the OP's 'beloved husband' 🙄was 'holding' her while she sat on the floor on her cushion. Was he holding her with his knees?)

I can see how for a little while the rituals that the OP describes might spice a relationship up, and be exciting and fun for a bit if you're into that kind of thing, but kneeling to your 'big D' (lol) every day? Every single freaking day? Sitting on the floor every day? Pretending that you find 'joy' in doing the washing up every day?

I've played around with the D/s dynamic myself quite a lot, so am coming to this from a position of some experience. As it turned out, none of my exes and I were ever able to switch the Ds up from the bedroom to outside the bedroom. I'd read a lot about TPE (Total Power Exchange) but that was never going to work for me. A former partner and I tried out a D/s scenario once, where he had some control over my day to day life with my full consent, outside the bedroom. It lasted for all of about, ooooh, one and a half days? This was my experience:

I would never in a million years give another person control over my finances, no matter how much I loved and trusted him, no matter how long we were together. The very thought makes me shudder.

It wasn't possible for my partner to control anything to do with my work life. What was he going to say, 'No, I forbid you to go to that 9am meeting your boss has said you have to attend?' If I said 'Can I go to the meeting?', he could only tell me that yes, I could, so what's the point in asking?

He got massively bored and impatient really, really quickly when I asked him for permission to do stuff. So did I. He was super busy at work and didn't have time to take calls every five minutes for me to ask 'Can I make another coffee? Can I buy some jeans? Can I go for a walk? Can I have a pee? Can I buy a Waitrose sandwich for lunch? Can I can I can I?' I genuinely have no idea how couples with busy lives can possibly ever make this work. It was hilariously awful for both of us and didn't even last half a day. How the OP's husband can tolerate her calling him every time she wants to ask 'Can I spend £5.50 on such and such?' is beyond me.

We messed around with him choosing what I would wear, but the thing was, I know what kind of clothes suit me and look good on me, and he agreed, and he wouldn't have ordered me to wear clothes that were too tight or uncomfortable or too 'sexy' for office wear or unflattering on me or, god forbid, too young for me. In the end it was just him 'choosing' an outfit for me that I'd have worn anyway, one outfit out of other very similar outfits in my wardrobe. What's the point?

Ditto ordering food for me in a restaurant. He'd never have ordered something that I couldn't eat because of dietary restrictions, and he also wouldn't have ordered something I hated the taste of. So again, it was him 'choosing' something I'd have chosen myself anyway. What's the point?

The household chores have to be done regularly, so what's the point of him telling me to do the washing up or the laundry or the vacuuming? One of us would have to do it anyway. And I excluded all this from the D/s thing, because being told to do traditional 'women's work' by a man would make me angry and resentful. It's the least sexy thing I could possibly imagine.

It really, really did not work for me. I suppose if the OP and her 'D type' (cringe!) can make it work for so long, I mean, kudos, I guess? But having read the thread I still don't really know.

Therapy4all · 25/06/2024 15:21

@Calliecarpa 'Can I make another coffee? Can I buy some jeans? Can I go for a walk? Can I have a pee? Can I buy a Waitrose sandwich for lunch? Can I can I can I?'

Reminds me of a toddler, I can fully understand how you would both end up completely fucked off with that dynamic!

QueenBitch666 · 25/06/2024 15:32

Maybe you're the Dominant but your DH is the submissive in that you're in control of his Dominance of you? I'm thinking The Duke of Burgundy here ( film about a lesbian D/s relationship )
Just a thought

QueenBitch666 · 25/06/2024 15:35

WallaceinAnderland · 20/06/2024 20:19

I don't see how any of this is submissive. OP is doing exactly what OP wants 😕

Exactly. It's like reverse Dominance

Spudthespanner · 25/06/2024 15:36

@PrimaDoner

We're "interacting" right now because you replied to me initially asking me directly What’s her writing style got to do with anything?

Then you've badgered me about my response to your question with some waffle about me presuming to know the reasons why other posters are taking the piss out of the OP. It's not any deeper than "because she's piss-take worthy."

It's been a lovely interaction, I've really enjoyed myself. Chat to you some other time hen 👍🏻

QueenBitch666 · 25/06/2024 15:37

Are we talking of a Story of O scenario? ( book )
Does he get a thrill from pimping you out?

Spudthespanner · 25/06/2024 15:41

@WallaceinAnderland

Yep. It's not submissive in the slightest. OP is pissing about playing games in her comfortable life and trying to validate it by quoting philosophers. Everything they do is created or agreed to by OP. It gets more offensive with every post trying to justify self-identifying as a "slave".

I'd have more respect for OP if she just said from the start "I like to role play like this because it makes me and my husband horny." Instead there's pages of bullshitting about begging for money and kneeling on the floor allowing her to be "seen" and "heard"

PrimaDoner · 25/06/2024 15:42

Spudthespanner · 25/06/2024 15:36

@PrimaDoner

We're "interacting" right now because you replied to me initially asking me directly What’s her writing style got to do with anything?

Then you've badgered me about my response to your question with some waffle about me presuming to know the reasons why other posters are taking the piss out of the OP. It's not any deeper than "because she's piss-take worthy."

It's been a lovely interaction, I've really enjoyed myself. Chat to you some other time hen 👍🏻

lol okey dokey (😬)

Calliecarpa · 25/06/2024 15:54

Therapy4all · 25/06/2024 15:21

@Calliecarpa 'Can I make another coffee? Can I buy some jeans? Can I go for a walk? Can I have a pee? Can I buy a Waitrose sandwich for lunch? Can I can I can I?'

Reminds me of a toddler, I can fully understand how you would both end up completely fucked off with that dynamic!

Absolutely! I assume, because the OP calls herself a 'slave' and her husband her 'Master', they have this kind of dynamic, and I really don't get how it works in practice. It was just absolutely horrendously infuriating for both of us, even though we'd both thought beforehand that we might find it appealing.

LazyGewl · 25/06/2024 16:01

TakeMeDancing · 24/06/2024 06:25

Anyone else wanting the “Master” to come to the thread so we can tell him what a POS he is to take advantage of / “punish” a woman with unresolved past trauma? No decent man would do this. He makes my skin crawl.

Yes, OP, please ask him if he is willing to take part in the AMA. That would liven up this rather Vanilla thread. Oh, please do it.

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