I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

Ok, first of all, moisturizer falls into essential items - I wrote:

I ask permission for non essential items over 5 GBP. We discussed at length what an essential item is.

I guess the answer is: I am bothered because I like it. It makes me feel listened to, heard, seen.

I think that's how all of us can be bothered. Think of the things you like - you are bothered to do them, yes? I like this so I'm bothered. Simple as that.

For me, I feel I could enter more easily in a long term a same sex relationship with a dominant woman than with a fellow male slave.

That's not a sexual identity. That's unresolved mental issues, probably from your upbringing.

You actually refer to yourself as a slave? I just visualise South Park.

I haven't commented before but I've been thinking about your thread quite a lot OP.

I appreciate you coming back to answer some questions more directly. Some of your previous answers didn't really answer what was being asked, nor provide any real insight. You gave long replies, but not a lot of actual information, so it's really interesting to get more direct answers from you, thank you.

You said earlier that you were determined that after your history of DV, you were determined to have an egalitarian relationship but with your current partner, it just became a power battle and was clearly not possible. Because you loved him you resolved this by giving him the control he wanted, but you say that it was something that was also better for you too. Can you see why this would be alarming for many women to read? It's as if the dynamic between has only developed because a controlling man wanted to control you? And because of your history of trauma and violence, it could have felt safe and comforting to you because it was familiar (albeit different)?

Also, you have said that your hard boundary is not discussing sexual practices and I respect that. But can I ask, how do you view your dynamic? As a lifestyle or a sexual identity? Because in your post just above you've described it as a sexual identity but the rest of your comments imply it's a lifestyle?

I had a very close friend who was very into shibari, and had a DD/LG dynamic. She was in one of the exhibitions at FetFest (I think that was the one anyway). So I've seen this type of dynamic up fairly close and personal. It feels all very sexualised, even the "non-sexual playing" has an erotic overture, even if it's not overtly sexual. I am biased as I met a group of others in my friend's community and the men were overly familiar and handsy. Sleazy, if I'm honest. I wasn't impressed and it left me with a poor impression of what goes on, and the type of men who like to hold the D position.

Just a couple of other questions that have popped up from this thread.

Punishments - you're obviously not comfortable discussing these in any meaningful way. Is this because punishments are sexual? Are there any non-sexual punishments - and if so, can you give an example? Can you give an example of any situation (non-sexual) where you've had to use your safe word to decline?

How would you feel if your partner said he didn't want to do the whole Master/Slave thing any more and just wanted a regular dynamic? Or how would he respond if you said the same to him? Do you think your relationship would survive, given how you described earlier how he tried to be too controlling with you when you were supposed to be in an egalitarian relationship.

I know it's part of how I construct my love identity and relationships too.

This Is going to sound snippy, but it is meant completely at face value. Imagine it as an A-Level question “What is meant by Love Identity and using examples explain how the love identity of [OP] and her partner is different to that of heteronormative couples, (you may use Tom and Barbara from The Good Life as an example of heteronormativity)”

You have to ask permission to spend more than a fiver. But him and the kids get whatever. You need to sit on the floor. You get punished in an unpleasant manner, you need to kneel when he comes home.

the more you post, the more it sounds like abuse.

What on earth has hurt you so badly in your life that you need to construct a relationship where you have to ask permission to spend more than a fiver on a 'non-essential' item, in order to 'feel listened to, heard, seen'?

A fiver of her own money as well.

What on earth has hurt you so badly in your life that you need to construct a relationship where you have to ask permission to spend more than a fiver on a 'non-essential' item, in order to 'feel listened to, heard, seen'?

God, this 🙄

If it's just because it makes your knickers wet OP, then say so. All the waffling on about asking permission to buy things and sitting on cushions is bizarre.

I find this thread really sad. What a way to live.

DH would get really pissed off if I started asking him every time I wanted to spend over a fiver. He’d be like: WTAF are you asking me for? You’re a grown woman with a huge brain who has been earning her own living for over thirty years! Spend your money how you like!

I suspect our ‘Love Language’ 🤢 is based on notions of partnership, mutual respect and having two sofas and loads of cushions, none of which are on the floor.

I am curious about the needing permission to buy something if it's more than a fiver.
What counts as "essential"? Exactly how much discussion does fairly ordinary things need?
I bought a paperback book the other day. I got it from Asda so it was £4.50 (yippee - no permission needed) but if I had gone to Waterstones it would have been cover price (£7.99) so would this have meant a "lengthy" discussion.
In my home that would have consisted of :

• I wanna buy this book
• Why?
• I like the author
• Ok

But the OP apparently would practically have to beg and justify her need to read a paperback 🤔 This doesn't sound healthy in any way. Also so time consuming - all this discussion, justifying and planning. I just threw the book in my trolley with the rest of the shopping. Time spent thinking "Ooh they have the new So and So novel" and putting it in the trolley - about 15 seconds.

Getting turned on by having to ask to spend a fiver, or being made to sit on the floor, kneel when your husband comes home, being punished in a way you find hard, is really disturbing,

It’s even more disturbing to be turned on my someone humiliating themselves, subjectating themselves, someone you profess to love. To turn them into a thing , watch them become this thing, and be turned on by it.

to treat them like a dog, and get off on it, is so disturbing it is difficult to comprehend.

I am enjoying the read. I hope this isnt deleted. There are some points I would like to come back to myself. You seem very self-aware and have clear desired and boundaries. I am envious and oddly proud!

Oh I love this question. Definitely emotional. Silence made me realise how wordy I am, but also D type realised how much he missed me speaking so I think it was a double win for me that one :) Silence is definitely a spiritual practice, I can see why it's practiced in many major religions. It made me feel more centered and grounded, more aware of the many ways we can communicate. And so grateful that we have words.

Hi @BellaDelBosco , if you are doing a spiritual or quasi-spiritual practice like deliberate silence, you would get so much more from it if it were centred on Jesus. If you found it beneficial, maybe you could go on a silent retreat for the weekend? I think I would get bored even doing it in daily life tho lol.

To the others, about munches I have been to those and OP is right that they are not primarily to pull, but to make friends with people on the same page and chat. Of course people might happen to also find someone that lights their candle and is into the same things occasionally, but nothing would tend to happen there and then. They are mostly held in pubs etc.

I’m sorry but none of this sounds very loving, kind, supportive, equal and safe, which is what I look for in a relationship.

I have to ask about debratting. If you’re “bratty” are you implicitly saying no to whatever your DH wants and therefore withdrawing consent? Why the need for a root cause analysis or debrief with your DH? Shouldn’t he just respect your autonomy as a grown woman in that moment instead of sitting you down to convince you that you have been a confrontational ass or a brat? When you decide to sit on the sofa, you are not being bratty, you are just choosing something for yourself.

You have to have a post-deed discussion when you have used your safe word. If it is so safe then why the appraisal afterwards which seem to be geared around questioning your decision to say no and how to stop this in the future.

All of these debriefs seem a tad manipulative. You mentioned earlier that you need his help (and sometimes the children’s too) to make decisions. Who is telling you this, who is questioning your ability to decide for yourself?
I’m sorry OP but this thread is worrying.

Can't think of anything less arousing either. All the sensuality and mystique of a work's appraisal meeting with your line manager.

@Mombie

Great username btw

I applaud the OP's perseverance in posting whilst multiple posters tell her she's wrong/sad/being abused/weird, etc, etc. admirable. What she has is a relationship dynamic that works for her and her partner and has done for two decades.

Why can't people accept that at face value? Why the need to try to pull it apart just because it's something you can't imagine being interested in yourself? Kink isn't for everyone but why be so aggressive and/or dismissive? Are you trying to save her from herself?!

Maybe this is mean, but not my intention. I'm surprised at how mundane and repetitive it all seems.

Sitting on a cushion, kneeling down regularly, same outfit on repeat etc. Then things like cooking and washing up, I've done those all the time in the past too. He tells you what to eat, mine tells me what he wants for tea. He tells you not to speak, mine tells me to pick up my socks from the floor. You wear a heavy necklace, I wear a ring.

I thought it would be exciting, full of variety and spice. However, I feel like these routines would get very boring very quickly.

I say this as someone who is in a "mundane" relationship. I always sit in the same spot on the sofa, and always greet him in the same way after work (not kneeling down i should add).

Your descriptions are very disappointing to me. And I'm someone who likes to take a submissive role in bed and sexual role play (sorry if TMI!). I just thought it would me more "fun".

Variety is the spice of life and all that! It just sounds like a boring dynamic with some odd requests in there (wear a heavy necklace). Again, I also have a "boring" dynamic with my partner, sans odd requests.

I agree. I could not see myself in a same-sex relationship, but that doesn't mean I can have a go at or denigrate those who have such a relationship.

Imagine what an interesting forum this would be.

OP: I'm a sex slave and my partner controls all my financial decisions. I sit on a cushion on the floor like a dog every night. AMA

Poster: sounds lovely hen. You do you.
Poster: yes I agree. Lovely.
Poster: each to their own I say. Well done.
Poster: that's lovely. I like Dunelm cushions personally

That you are even comparing the OP’s frankly fucked-up dynamic where she’s actively colluding in the sexualisation of her own ritual humiliation to a same-sex relationship is frankly insulting.

It is a sexual 'orientation' in as much as it is a sexual proclivity. It would probably count as part of the Q in LGBTQ. I say that as someone with same sex attraction.

I see that MN's legendary open-mindedness and tolerance still abound on this thread.

BDSM as Sexual Orientation: A Comparison to Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Sexuality

Tess M. Gemberling, M.A. University of Alabama
Robert Cramer, Ph.D. Old Dominion University
Rowland S. Miller, Ph.D. Sam Houston State University

One less common and more stigmatized form of sexuality is BDSM, which is an umbrella term for consensual practices that involve, but are not limited to, bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&s), and sadomasochism (S&M). Focusing on one of many different conceptualizations, BDSM is comprised of a power dynamic between partners enacted through various activities (for an inclusive list, see Sandnabba et al., 1999; Weinberg et al., 1984). However, beyond being recently accepted as non-pathological, research has yet to reach consensus on BDSM’s nature and development. Specifically, although theories describing its origin abound, it remains unclear whether BDSM is best conceptualized as a sexual behavior, sexual attraction, sexual identity, and/or sexual orientation for those who practice for sexual purposes. Accordingly, the present paper outlines a common framework of sexuality while presenting an alternative yet complementary theory: Consistent with a sex-positive framework, BDSM may be best conceptualized as another form of sexual orientation for a percentage of practitioners.