My DS wants to be a girl

UndertheCedartree · 2024-04-20T22:29:13+00:00

Not a situation I imagined being in. But he has wanted to be a girl for 4 years now. He's 17 and autistic.

StandingOvulation · 20/04/2024 23:38

I don't want to intrude by asking a question.

I feel for you, I hope you have some real life support. 💐

Solgrass · 20/04/2024 23:39

I think you’re probably aware of what the Mumsnet questioning on this will be. At the time of posting, I’m guessing you’re not UK based either?

Anon67 · 20/04/2024 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 20/04/2024 23:50

Solgrass · 20/04/2024 23:39

I think you’re probably aware of what the Mumsnet questioning on this will be. At the time of posting, I’m guessing you’re not UK based either?

I think you’re probably aware of what the Mumsnet questioning on this will be.

The OP's no stranger to a controversial thread.

Rgh254 · 20/04/2024 23:52

What would your advice be to anyone else who was in a similar situation?

Changingplace · 20/04/2024 23:53

Does he have the ability to understand that his autism will have an impact on his thought process, and that it’s not physically possible for this to happen?

What is it about being a girl that he feels he can’t do as a male person?

fromaytobe · 20/04/2024 23:54

Has he said why he wants to be a girl? What is it about being a girl that appeals to him?

In the autistic mind, gender stereotyping could play a larger part in this than the NT person might expect. Having a liking for the sort of clothes stereotypically worn by a particular gender might mean that he feels need to become that gender, for example.
"I like xxx therefore I must be a girl".

Just a thought.

(My friend's autistic dc was in her teens and still convinced that she was supposed to be a Pokemon character).

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/04/2024 23:58

Solgrass · 20/04/2024 23:39

I think you’re probably aware of what the Mumsnet questioning on this will be. At the time of posting, I’m guessing you’re not UK based either?

Not exactly. But I am in the UK.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/04/2024 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

He didn't really 'announce' it.

If he said he wanted to be a chimpanzee I'd be concerned, even more concerned than I am about him wanting to be a girl.

OP posts:

WhamBamThankU · 21/04/2024 00:01

Do you support his transition? I've read it's common for autistic girls to decide to transition to male due to feeling 'different' to other women, not sure how this is with male to female.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:01

Rgh254 · 20/04/2024 23:52

What would your advice be to anyone else who was in a similar situation?

I think not to panic!

I was scared he would be wanting puberty blockers and all sorts but he hasn't.

Let them know you are always there to listen and you always have their back.

OP posts:

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 21/04/2024 00:04

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:01

I think not to panic!

I was scared he would be wanting puberty blockers and all sorts but he hasn't.

Let them know you are always there to listen and you always have their back.

Show quote history

What does ‘always have their back’ mean in this context?

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:04

Changingplace · 20/04/2024 23:53

Does he have the ability to understand that his autism will have an impact on his thought process, and that it’s not physically possible for this to happen?

What is it about being a girl that he feels he can’t do as a male person?

I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean about his autism.

Yes, he knows it is not physically possible to change his sex.

I don't know and I don't think he knows.

OP posts:

Dizzy82 · 21/04/2024 00:06

Can he explain how he feels and his reasons for wanting to be a girl?

My son has autism and said he wanted to be a girl when he was about 15, when he spoke to the GP about it he thought he would be more accepted by others as a girl due to his long hair. Most of my family have short hair and they were often teasing him about forcing him to the barbers.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:07

fromaytobe · 20/04/2024 23:54

Has he said why he wants to be a girl? What is it about being a girl that appeals to him?

In the autistic mind, gender stereotyping could play a larger part in this than the NT person might expect. Having a liking for the sort of clothes stereotypically worn by a particular gender might mean that he feels need to become that gender, for example.
"I like xxx therefore I must be a girl".

Just a thought.

(My friend's autistic dc was in her teens and still convinced that she was supposed to be a Pokemon character).

Edited

No, not really and I don't know. I don't think he knows. It's just the way he feels.

I think at the beginning he was interested in girls clothes - although he never wore them out and about. But I think he's moved on from that. He's always dressed very neutrally.

OP posts:

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 21/04/2024 00:08

What does he think "being a girl" actually is?

Does he realise that he can't "be a girl" because he doesn't have the internal structure of one? He never had periods that started when he was not out of childhood, had to take sanitary products to school age 9 and dread changing a pad in the loo because of the sound that everyone heard, and be scared to death of leaking blood every month because you had to do PE in tiny shorts that showed your knickers. Does he realise that he is lucky never to know the cramps that almost disable you every month that ruin your life for days/weeks? The hormone that dictate your life?

Does he know the embarrassment of having bosoms at 10 years old before anyone else. Hiding in the corner of the changing room because everyone is seeing your bosoms and you just want to cry at being spotlighted as "developing"???

Does he know that as a "girl" you are a target for men to look at/ appraise and sneer at if you are not "up to their standards"?

Will he ever know the pain/worry/hormonal and physical changes that happen when you are pregnant and give birth? The feeding of a baby when it feels as though hot needles are being put into your nipples, but you carry on regardless because you are a mother?

No, no and no again.

Putting on a frock and slapping on a bit of lippy does not make you feel like a girl. He will never know what it is like.

Please dont pander to this stupidness @UndertheCedartree . He obviously needs help, but he is not and will never will be a girl, simply because he is not and never will be one so cannot possibly know what "feeling like a girl" ACTUALLY is.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:14

WhamBamThankU · 21/04/2024 00:01

Do you support his transition? I've read it's common for autistic girls to decide to transition to male due to feeling 'different' to other women, not sure how this is with male to female.

I support him in identifying how he wants. The reality is there has been no transition because he has not wanted me to call him a different name/pronouns. He does have a girl name that his best friend sometimes uses. He doesn't wear typically female clothes.

I wonder if this is where it has come from. His autism makes him feel different and he has patched onto the trans thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:15

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 21/04/2024 00:04

What does ‘always have their back’ mean in this context?

Show quote history

Always be there for them, always support them.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:16

Dizzy82 · 21/04/2024 00:06

Can he explain how he feels and his reasons for wanting to be a girl?

My son has autism and said he wanted to be a girl when he was about 15, when he spoke to the GP about it he thought he would be more accepted by others as a girl due to his long hair. Most of my family have short hair and they were often teasing him about forcing him to the barbers.

No, not really.

That's interesting about your DS, mine has long hair too.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:21

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 21/04/2024 00:08

What does he think "being a girl" actually is?

Does he realise that he can't "be a girl" because he doesn't have the internal structure of one? He never had periods that started when he was not out of childhood, had to take sanitary products to school age 9 and dread changing a pad in the loo because of the sound that everyone heard, and be scared to death of leaking blood every month because you had to do PE in tiny shorts that showed your knickers. Does he realise that he is lucky never to know the cramps that almost disable you every month that ruin your life for days/weeks? The hormone that dictate your life?

Does he know the embarrassment of having bosoms at 10 years old before anyone else. Hiding in the corner of the changing room because everyone is seeing your bosoms and you just want to cry at being spotlighted as "developing"???

Does he know that as a "girl" you are a target for men to look at/ appraise and sneer at if you are not "up to their standards"?

Will he ever know the pain/worry/hormonal and physical changes that happen when you are pregnant and give birth? The feeding of a baby when it feels as though hot needles are being put into your nipples, but you carry on regardless because you are a mother?

No, no and no again.

Putting on a frock and slapping on a bit of lippy does not make you feel like a girl. He will never know what it is like.

Please dont pander to this stupidness @UndertheCedartree . He obviously needs help, but he is not and will never will be a girl, simply because he is not and never will be one so cannot possibly know what "feeling like a girl" ACTUALLY is.

Yes, he knows biologically he can never be a girl.

You've obviously had some bad experiences with periods and other female but those aren't the experiences of myself or my DD. He may not have experienced those things but he has experienced a lot of very difficult things most children never will. On top of that he is autistic so has lots of difficulties due to that.

It is not stupidness. He has not chosen to feel this way.

OP posts:

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/04/2024 00:40

Are you worried he'll want to transition at some point rather than just identifying/feeling like a girl? Identifying wouldn't bother me at all. I would want to support my child, but the worry with transitioning is the irrevocable nature of it. Kids are still finding themselves at that age and they can't always interpret what's going on in their mind accurately. Im sure some people genuinely are in the wrong body, but some, maybe many of these children, need better mental health support and some time and they're the ones Id worry my kid fell into if they wanted to transition. I say children because teenagers are not mentally adults, they can be highly impulsive, they don't really understand the lifelong consequences of transitioning and they don't really have the ability to differentiate between I am struggling and feel being someone else will fix it versus Im one of the few people that feel completely disconnected and unable to ever identify with my genetic gender.

WaitingForMojo · 21/04/2024 00:47

What did you hope to achieve by starting this thread on such a notoriously transphobic site?

Gorgonemilezola · 21/04/2024 00:50

WaitingForMojo · 21/04/2024 00:47

What did you hope to achieve by starting this thread on such a notoriously transphobic site?

Give over.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 21/04/2024 00:50

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/04/2024 00:40

Are you worried he'll want to transition at some point rather than just identifying/feeling like a girl? Identifying wouldn't bother me at all. I would want to support my child, but the worry with transitioning is the irrevocable nature of it. Kids are still finding themselves at that age and they can't always interpret what's going on in their mind accurately. Im sure some people genuinely are in the wrong body, but some, maybe many of these children, need better mental health support and some time and they're the ones Id worry my kid fell into if they wanted to transition. I say children because teenagers are not mentally adults, they can be highly impulsive, they don't really understand the lifelong consequences of transitioning and they don't really have the ability to differentiate between I am struggling and feel being someone else will fix it versus Im one of the few people that feel completely disconnected and unable to ever identify with my genetic gender.

It does worry me, more so at the beginning. Like you I'm happy for my DS to identify however he likes (as long as he is aware he biologically is not a girl) but physically transitioning would worry me.

I don't know if he needs therapy. He seems quite happy. But yes, I agree with you about teenagers. I'm certainly glad my DS isn't wanting to rush into anything.

OP posts:

danitheastrologer · 21/04/2024 00:52

Ask him what a girl is.