My DS wants to be a girl

[UndertheCedartree]

Not a situation I imagined being in. But he has wanted to be a girl for 4 years now. He's 17 and autistic.

I acknowledge he wants to be a girl and am happy for him to identify any way he likes. But I also acknowledge he can never be a girl biologically.

He's only had one brief relationship with a girl. So, he's not gay afaik, but still a possibility. I don't know about 'gender identity spaces' - I assume this would be online and obviously at his age he does what he likes online.

He has definitely been around friends who were also gender questioning. When he was younger he was friends with 2 girls who identified as boys. He moved school at 14 and these friendships drifted.

No, he is still going through puberty.

This site is horribly transphobic. I am glad I’m more open minded and accepting of others feelings.
OP, my daughter is transgender. My advice would be to support but not make it a massive deal. If your child is experimenting, or has confusion, then eventually they will know how they truly feel, be it in a year or two or five years. My daughter has my support, even though at first it was difficult because my concern was that she would face alienation and bullying (much like some posters on here). My concern was not about who/what/how she felt, it was about her wellbeing and making sure that she always knew that I supported her and accepted her. I didn’t enable it, I didn’t encourage, I just accepted.

She also dresses very naturally although she has incredibly beautiful hair and is naturally pretty. Her ‘new’ name is used by all and has been legally changed. I adored her birth name but a name is a name. It really doesn’t matter. My daughter is the same person she was in personality, intelligence, morally, ethically etc etc etc as she has always been, it is just her body which is changing.
I can see how much happier she is now. That’s all that matters.
So, just keep doing as you are and supporting your child as they navigate their way around this. Who knows what the outcome will be. Who knows what the outcome will be for any of us in the future! Your child has a wonderful, supportive mother and that means everything.

A bit. I've told him he can be/do what ever he wants and still be a boy. I've tried to support him to express his feminine side if he so wishes.

By the way, my daughter began transitioning 5 years ago, for context.

Supporting a teen involves a bit more than saying one sentence to be honest!

I think if he doesn’t know why he wants to be female it’s rather hard to help.

Support doesn’t automatically mean agreeing with everything your child wants, says or believes.
It means being honest, guiding your child within the realms of possibility and steering them away from very harmful ideas.

Yes, that is what I have tried to do. DS (he's not asked for me to refer to him as a girl and does not identify publicly as a girl) does seem to find it a bit embarrassing and his DS doesn't know so we don't talk about it all the time. I've not worried about bullying/alienation from peers as I've seen how they accept those identifying as differently to their sex.

I'm not going to lie it hurt my heart when he said he does sometimes think of his boy name as his 'deadname'. Not so much that he might want to be known by another name (I have known his girl name for a long time and so am used to it) but that he saw his boy name as 'dead' and his life as a boy in that way.

But yes, I will always support and accept him, no matter what.

Its also complete and utter rubbish 😂
Our bodies are not ‘gendered’ either.

Do you mind me asking how old she is? And when you say 'began transitioning' do you mean when she first said she wanted to be a girl or something else?

I never said it did mean that.

Yes, I didn’t like the term ‘dead’ name.
My daughter knows that we can talk about anything and she respects that I have feelings as well as she does. She understands how difficult it was for me to navigate even though she had my support. We discussed everything, she had a counsellor, not to persuade her that her feelings were wrong but to explore how she felt. I still have pictures up of her when she was younger which she is fine about. That is her history, her life. I think people believe that people who have transitioned are completely different people to who they were before, but the point is that they really aren’t.

You implied it. I cannot understand why any parent would want their child to end up on a pathway of opposite sex hormones, genital surgery with a high rate of failure, and irreversible bodily changes, particularly when that child already has a neurodiverse diagnosis.
People cannot change sex, no matter what interventions take place. Boys cannot become girls. They can choose to fall into the trap of presenting with sexist stereotypical things such as long hair, false nails, a face full of make up, big (fake) breasts, revealing clothing. None of this makes them female.
No one has ever been ‘born in the wrong body’.

So what does he think a girl is ?

Yes but you don’t want to be a woman, you just are one

This site is horribly transphobic

How so?

She was 15 when she told me. She asked her to use her chosen name and then began to transition hormonally when she was at Uni, so 3 years ago. As an adult I could not control that , all I could do is guide her and make sure she knew exactly what implications that had. Nothing surgical has happened yet and I guess when she was 18 I figured that if she were to feel differently then it wouldn’t be an issue. She is planning surgery at some point and I respect her decision.

How did I imply it? I specifically said I was concerned about puberty blockers etc. I did not say I wanted it. I have also clearly said my DS knows he cannot change sex. My DS has always had long hair as I have said. I have also clearly said he has never said he was 'born in the wrong body'. Take your rant elsewhere!

I cannot understand why anyone would think that a young person would choose to go through years of transitioning, lack of medical support and risk of alienation just because they fancied being the opposite gender. Why would anyone choose that?

A female child.

My daughter has beautiful long natural hair, but she doesn’t have fake nails, massive boobs, loads of makeup or revealing clothing. That shows how little you understand this.
I don’t have fake nails, massive boobs, wear loads of makeup and wear revealing clothing for that matter. Does that mean I’m not a woman? Or does it just mean I’m me.

What is changing about her body and what ramifications will this have in later life ? I’m assuming puberty blockers.
Everything you have said apart from this seems compassionate, accepting and what most parents would want to do; ie accept their child for who they are.
Also, as you say, experimentation and confusion is part and parcel of being a teenager. Long hair, a different name, opposite sex clothes are not damaging.
Young people should absolutely be supported to express themselves. However they should not be given potentially damaging drugs, when no rigorous medical trials have been done. You can be dying of cancer and not have drugs which have not been subjected to the appropriate trials.
which is as it should be. Do no harm.
I wish you and your daughter every happiness and success.

What does your child think a woman is and why ?
Really not trying to be antagonistic just want to gain some insight

So what is it actually about ?