My DS wants to be a girl

[UndertheCedartree]

Not a situation I imagined being in. But he has wanted to be a girl for 4 years now. He's 17 and autistic.

I have been completely honest, he knows he can never change sex. But if he wants to identify in a feminine way, that is up to him.

Your thread is titled AMA My DS wants to be a girl

why is that if I don't know that he does feel he wants to change sex.

I’m confused, do you mean he likes things you consider female only?

Good for you.

I think OP is confused, which explains a lot.

They don't determine anything, no. A person's sex is determined by their biology. Gender meaning masculine/feminine is a social construct and means different things to different people. In the UK many believe feminity is linked to things like long hair and dresses.

Do we think these things determine a person's sex? No. As I explained my DS has always had long hair.
Do we think these things determine a person's gender? Well gender isn't a fixed thing that someone is born with so the question doesn't really make sense.

Yes, I know and have always done this.

Anorexia is an interesting one to bring up. Really, really common in people with ASD too.

Yes, sorry that is confusing. He wants to be a girl, but he knows he cannot change sex. So his answer is to identify as a feminine gender. He doesn't want to change sex because he knows he can't.

Which it’s of being female does he like, and which bits doesn’t he?

And he doesn't want to be a 'feminine boy' he wants to identify as a girl with a girl name. This is what he says he wants. However, he hasn't actually done anything to change his appearance to be a 'feminine boy' or a (feminine) girl. Yes, I am confused because it's confusing!

And what does he think identifying as the female gender involves? Wearing a dress? Growing his hair? Wearing makeup? Heels?

None of these things are inherently female, they’re just current fashions at best - what will he do to identify as feminine?

How does a name make him feminine, when anyone can call themselves anything in reality and many names are unisex. Plus a name may only be typically feminine/masculine within a particular language, if for example I heard a name in another language it would mean nothing, a name really is just an arbitrary word/sound.

I have heard some stories of how establishing healthy relationships with other males has helped boys to come to terms with their masculinity. Especially for boys who grew up in more female environments and never properly learned what it means to be a man, or interact with other men as peers. I know it contradicts the whole narrative of "embrace being an effeminate male without changing sex", but it might also be worth thinking about. Not saying it's definitely the right way forward, I don't think there's enough research to say for sure, it's just anecdotal, but the stories I've heard have been really positive.

I can't really say beyond he's always liked long hair and when he was younger he had an interest in dresses for a while.

'Feminine' is a social construct and in our society is linked to those things - long hair, dresses etc. I think he was/is drawn to those things. I always brought him up to not conform to gender stereotypes so it was pretty galling that he doesn't seem to think he can be a boy and also be feminine. But despite trying to explore with him what he would like to do to be more feminine he doesn't want to actually do anything, but he says he would like to. I guess he doesn't feel comfortable enough to express that side of himself.

So he wants to be a girl even though he knows he can't be a girl?

So really he's not going to do anything?

Thank you. He has his dad in his life and his uncle. He also has 3 male friends. Not sure his dad is a great role model (although not awful) but his uncle is but they don't live close by.

Yes, he knows biologically he can never be a girl but it hasn't stopped him feeling like he wants to be a girl.

He hasn't so far. Whether he will, I don't know.

Long haired and a “dress” could be an Arab there have been long haired men forever (and short haired girls) many men don’t wear trousers. Perhaps he’s Scottish? I’m being a bit silly, but honestly nobody can possibly think that’s being a woman.

But who said that is being a woman?

I have talked about gender norms/stereotypes in the UK as that is where we are not Arabia.

You could drill down. What does he think the difference would be? What does he associate with being a girl? Look differently? Being treated differently? Able to do different things? Does he know boys who identify as girls? If so, what do they have or do that's been changed by identifying as the opposite sex?

I’m confused by your posts @UndertheCedartree are you saying ds doesn’t want to be female he wants to wear dresses and have long hair? Like a costume?

I have tried but not got much out of him. All the trans DC we have known were girls wanting to be boys.

Except. Is he being exposed to this at school? Do you know the school's policy on this issue? Is he being exposed to the issue online? Have you seen any of the trans influencers who post a lot and are very persuasive?

As I've already said - he has always had long hair - it is not a costume!!

However, lots of ASD people do like hiding behind costumes. There could be something in it but I would imagine a bit more in depth than hair and clothes.