My DS wants to be a girl

[UndertheCedartree]

Not a situation I imagined being in. But he has wanted to be a girl for 4 years now. He's 17 and autistic.

Sorry the therapy mention wasn't specific to your DS, just in general and more for kids who want to transition as opposed to those who identify as the opposite sex. I feel that some of the children wanting to transition see it as a way to fix things they're struggling with and that better mental health provision and support could be what they actually need. It feels like transitioning is a permanent solution to what might end up being a temporary feeling that goes away as a teenager grows into an adult. It's great if those for whom this is a lifelong thing can get to do that, but some of this kids regret it later and that would be my fear.

Is there a difference between “wants to be a girl”… and “is a girl trapped in a boys body” etc? I hear the latter more often, rather than just wanting something.

What was his answer when you asked “Why?” And has that answer changed over the years?

Does he understand the issues around women’s safe spaces and still use the male toilets/changing rooms?

Autistic kids are really vulnerable to this ideology. I’d be getting him to see a non gender affirming therapist in your position.

I’d be less concerned. At least doctors would treat him for mental illness rather than potentially giving him medication and surgery that is irreversible.

Hmm. When you say “patch on to the trans thing” OP, I do sometimes wonder whether young people notice that that “thing” will get serious attention, discussion of their feelings, intervention by professionals. God knows that CAMHS is so stripped back that depression, anxiety, eating disorders, will not get the serious attention they warrant

All I ask is that you be open-minded to the reality of being transgender.

Watch this video to start with (scientific approach), I found it interesting.

I have had a thread before and it was really helpful. Just to talk it through really. It helps.

He knows what a girl is.

Yes he wants to be a girl
And clearly he isn't a girl and can't actually become one no matter what big pharma would like you to believe

Why? What is it about being a boy is not working for him ?

I'd bet you at sone level it's how people talk to him, how they expect him to behave, what he feels under pressure to like or be like

He needs to learn that it's them who are wrong , limited in their thinking capabilities , narrow minded

Yes, I agree. And I'm open to the idea of therapy if DS wanted it/it seemed necessary. DS has been through quite a lot and hasn't had any therapy. Partly because he didn't really want to but I haven't really encouraged it either which maybe I should have done. He does seem very happy now, though.

I do think it could just be his version of teenage angst.

He has never described himself as 'a girl trapped in a boy's body' to me anyway. I can't remember what he said to me the first time but I think it was I think I want to be a girl rather than I think I am a girl. It came completely out of the blue. When I talk to him about it I say 'identifying as a girl rather than 'being a girl'.

I did ask him once about the way trans people refer to a 'deadname' and he said he does feel like that. (Which upset me a lot.) He hasn't asked me to call him a different name but that could well be because I'm the only one who knows. I don't think he wants his dad to know because he's not sure if he would be supportive.

It's not been easy for him to answer. I think if someone asked me why I want to be a woman I'd find it hard to answer to.

Yes, he does and he fully agrees with women/girls having safe spaces. He uses male toilets and we all go in the family changing room at the gym and he goes in a cubicle.

I was wondering this. I think there is a difference between wanting to be a girl , and thinking they are one . I'm not trying to be awkward, I mean it in a supportive way.

Does he consider masculine traits to be negative ones?

Yes, I know they are vulnerable to this ideology.

I've not got the money to pay for a therapist and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to go either.

I think that's debatable given the state of our mental health service.

Do you 'affirm' him wanting to be a girl in any way. Is he gay, does he spend a lot of time in gender identity spaces, does he have friends or aquaintences who are buying into gender questioning.

Puberty has been and went already?

humans can’t change sex. They can do/wear/like things that are traditionally’ meant for the opposite sex. Don’t give them the right to demand access to the wrong single sex places and facilities.

Have you explored the 'expand the bandwidth of being male' type of concept with him at all? Ie support him to express any mix of 'femininity' and 'masculinity' he wants, without trying to make his body something it can't really be?

Yes, maybe. However, in his case he hasn't seemed to want those things from me anyway.

Oh, I am. I've told him that it is his choice if he wants to identify as a girl. He knows I am supportive. I've offered to buy him feminine clothes when he was younger, obviously he buys his own clothes now. He knows I'm here to talk anytime.

This

He has never given an answer to this. I brought him up to know that boys can do anything girls can and vice versa. So I don't think this pressure comes from me but could be the wider family/friends/society. The thing is being autistic he's never really cared what other people think/do. Although he may just not vocalise if certain things bother him.

I think there may be. You hear people saying that they weren't surprised when their DC wanted to be the opposite gender and they'd always wanted that. My DC definitely didn't want to be a girl when he was younger - he didn't like it when people thought he was a girl because of his long hair!

He played with a mix of boys and girls. His best friend is a girl but he has male friends too. So not sure about masculine traits. He's never been macho or anything like that, though. His male friends aren't either.