I'm 51, my lover is 81 - AMA

[Gerontophile]

NC for this. I know MN as a whole has views on relationships with large age gaps so thought people might be interested. Or just curious.

Harrison Ford is married to Calista Flockhart, who is 59 - so not all that different. They've been together ~15 years.

That's not the reason, no. I've no wish to live with a man again, and I think - although he hasn't said this explicitly - that living together is what he did with his late wife and he likes to preserve that as a one-off. The status quo works for us.

My ex-husband was 12 years older than me and I've dated a few in the 10-15 years older bracket, but never more than that.

@janeintheframe

she doesn't find 'the elderly' attractive, she finds THIS MAN attractive.

Coming up for two years. Yes, we're exclusive.

I feel the same, and I’m a little bemused by all the fit and active stuff, and he looks ten years younger.

fit and active as an octagenarian is not the same as at 50 or 60. Muscle tone goes, skin looses its elasticity, it also becomes papery,transparent. Even Harrison ford, shows his age.

but then as said, I’d not have sex with a 20 year old either. But for different reasons.

I also feel uncomfortable with it, myself and my friends are still wandering round in jeans, heels/trainers, leather jackets, going to gigs, long weekends away, nights out at local bars, enjoying our disposable income now the kids are Young adults,we are having fun, we all work full time, and at 50 we are at a very very different life stage to people in their eighties, who are usually retired, habe been for a long time, and don’t really have the energy or desire to do what we do.

Does he sometimes express beliefs and opinions that remind you that you are in a different generation? Perhaps the in way he speaks about people of colour, the colonies, Brexit or childrearing practices?

How do you know? Why if she finds this man attractive physically would she not find other elderly men attractive, and if you think it’s ok, then why take issue at the thought she does?

This is so ageist and rude.

Well there ARE a few men of 80-ish who are charming, well presented, and attractive. Doesn't mean I would want to have sex with them! It's just... ewwwwwwwwww... I just can't even. Just no!

I wish to be fit enough at 81 to have a 51 lover. In fact you had made my day thinking that never is too old.
Enjoy your relationship! That is all I can say.

That makes sense.

I'm curious as to how you see your future. If he finds himself needing a carer or needs to go into a home, would you stay together? What if he loses the ability to basic care?

I know that could happen at any age but it's obviously more likely to happen at 81 than 51.

@janeintheframe I presume you meant to quote me, with that reply??

I don't 'know' but from what she's written it seems pretty clear. Theres nothing to say she wouldn't find other 'elderly' men attractive, but you make it sound like she's chasing octogenarians, because they're octogenarians.

because your tone was 'off' I fancy my FWB but I fancy HIM, I don't go looking for much older men. 'Lives too far away occasional FWB' is 10 years younger than me. Deeply sexy in a slim, tall, fabulous physique' kind of way.

I fancy people, not their age.

@EggyBreadBrekkie you made a nasty, BITCHy, condescending post and then did the wide-eyed disingenuous act when pulled up on it. No amount of wordplay will turn that into a ‘bit of fun’.

Do his DC approve of your relationship?

Did he ask you out at the start, or the other way round, OP? You dd say you were friends but who made the transition? Very few 80year olds would be confident enough, but maybe he did...

A vomiting emoji. How incredibly rude of you.

No one asked your opinion and that type of comment is wholly unnecessary. Another one who doesn’t understand AMA.

He invited me round for coffee and we ended up having sex on his living room floor! I think I made it clear I was up for it, but he was no shrinking violet!

They haven't indicated otherwise - they know, and we all get on fine. I'm not a threat to family stability - it's not like he's changing his will or anything. I hope they're happy he's happy.

Do you feel sex is different compared to men of your own age? I’m just curious about different generational things!

I said "SOME OF the best I've had" @SweetBirdsong and I stand by it. I can't say I care if he wouldn't be your cup of tea. He might boak at the idea of shagging you too for all we know.

As @Meowandthen says, this is AMA, not AIBU.

Not really - I think it's about connection rather than age. There are a couple of things we've done that he hadn't tried, though (not going to go into detail!).

I reckon her personality would put him off… 😉

@catelynjane I don't know. Chances are if he needs that level of care he will move closer to one of his sons - they are both around 2 hours away. I would try to stay friends, but at that point the nature of our relationship would change a lot anyway. I wouldn't be involved in any decision-making nor would I expect to be.

No. He's well-travelled, well-read and open-minded. His late wife wasn't white or British. I'm more aware of the generation gap when he talks about his teenage years - it was a gentler, simpler world.