I’m a lesbian - AMA

[Gisty]

no idea if this will generate loads of questions or none, but go ahead

My daughter age 30.. got married 6 years ago was with her ex husband 12 years.. they have a son.
She's always had mental health problems depression / anxiety.
Last year she suddenly realised she was lesbian.. said she had been " thinking about it for a couple of years". After a lot of heartache .. ex hubby.. son etc.. they split up.. Co parent and are best friends. She's been with her partner now for 8 months ( similar situation to hers) .
My daughters mental health as improved tremendously. Son us happy and adjusted.. ex husband got new partner.. all is good.. I'm very happy for her and come to terms with it.
One BIG question that she can't seem to answer..and l can't find answers for.. maybe there isn't one.. which is..
Why after being married to a man.. and then deciding age 29 she was a lesbian? I know it's common.. but why? How does their mind/ body work? Why aren't you born gay and only realise later etc?

I’ve no experience of being blonde. I bet if my hair was long and blonde rather than long and black I’d get a different reaction from some people especially men.

But apparently because both are “normal” it’s not worth asking.

There are some common issues, homophobia, having / raising kids in non conventional ways, difficulties travelling to non friendly places, treatment of same sex attracted people in other countries etc. and some that aren’t shared. Some of the big issues where we had common ground like legality, marriage etc have been won and (hopefully) won’t be overturned in the UK at least.

In some ways I think that now we’re more accepted all round, we’re less defined by being discriminated against / oppressed and free to focus more on our own issues if that makes sense? So we have less in common but perhaps that’s a good thing.

There is a lot of overlap between homophobia and misogyny that lesbians and bi women have to tackle, but gay men have different but somewhat similar issues with masculinity / straight men

Why do you think your sexuality is the most interesting thing about you?

Sorry for slow replies, playing cars with the toddler and putting the baby to bed. More later

She didn't say that it was?

Does this thread somehow offend you?

Team krieger or Harris?

As a fellow lesbian I can't think of anything more interesting to ask.

@Trailinglemons nope I thought I was straight for a long time, but used to get big crushes on girls that I either suppressed or wrote off as “normal”. I actually have a memory of lying awake on holiday one night when I was about 18 thinking what if I end up as a lesbian, and trying to push the thought down and unthink it because I thought that would be awful and shaming. Then at uni I encountered more non straight people and the narrative sort of flipped from school where it had been something to be bullied about to something that was quite cool and alternative. It still took until my mid twenties before I did anything about it though.

I’d say come out to your friends first and see how it feels, it might help get your confidence up. And if you think they are going to be cool with it, you’ll then get to spend some time getting used to being around people who know and think it’s normal and nice, which will make you feel more normal about it too. There’s no rush though, go at your own pace. Nobody but you can decide when the time is right.

My parents were not good about it at first, but eventually came round. Different generation. Took my dad years though.

The main thing though is to let yourself enjoy it, you’ve found a person who makes you feel great. Don’t let worry or other people overshadow that if you can!!

I have lots of completely inappropriate questions around sex. Someone earlier asked about dildos. I'm genuinely really interested in the answer!!

Over share coming:

I call myself bi. But always been with men because of internalised homophobia and wanting an easy life. But after my last break up I'm thinking I'm never happy with men, I don't fancy men I only ever get crushes on women. I think I'm a lesbian. But then get confused over how the sex works because personally I would not be satisfied with just hands and oral- so maybe I'm not lesbian? There is no information out there on how sex works between two women that isn't porn for men. So where do I go to find this out? It's just unacceptable to ask such questions of people

I mostly only know hetero people, there are a lot of them out there!! Mostly they’re pretty cool.

I guess chose the one you trust the most (and crucially who is safe to come out to) and try it with them first? It’ll give you a sense of how being out to even just one person makes you feel and what saying it was like. And don’t beat yourself up if you blush or cry or say something really crazy. I was terrified when I came out, and stayed terrified and sort of ashamed (internalised homophobia) every time I did it for a long while.

And take your time, you don’t have to tell anyone until you are ready. There is no rush

You will get a lot of practice at it eventually because unless you look really gay you’ll be coming out to people forever, to work colleagues, neighbours, new mates, delivery people, random women on the bus. Although you can chose just not to bother sometimes, I’ve just nodded along a few times when someone who I’m never going to meet again has asked me if my kids get their eyes from their daddy.

Good luck, no matter what happens, it’ll be okay in the end

Why would you think anyone would have the slightest interest?

People are asking questions so clearly some are interested. If you are not interested you do t need to comment do you. All your comment shows is you are an unkind person

I didn’t go for womanly looking men if that’s the question. There are some character traits that I probably liked in both men and women, intelligence, bookishness, poshness (I know I know), but looks wise I didn’t really have a particular male type. Women I probably do, lots of bohemian / romantic looking brunettes.

I said I was straight. I wasn't trying to upset anyone so apologies if I have. Yes, I do have gay friends and those who are out years definitely suffered abuse and judgment but anyone I know who came out in the last 10-15 years would say it's very rare now.

I know racism exists and call it out when I see but I genuinely don't judge people by their colour, sexuality etc.

I do judge people on their behaviour, attitude, whether they are a decent person etc. I don't want to derail OPs thread and if abuse is rife then I accept I'm wrong and apologise.

I’m going to take it in the way you say it’s intended.

Yes people do still judge and discriminate. Usually not really openly or really obviously, although drunk straight blokes can be pretty open in some of what they say.

I’ve had plenty of what I’d consider more subtle or ignorant homophobia over the years though.

@Mischance I think generally people are quite interested in hearing about the experiences of people who are different to them, or who are the same as them (especially if they’re in the minority). And as most people are straight, there are a lot of people who that covers.

I’ll go ahead and ask you something though as over offered. You’re a human being, if you were forced to do an AMA what would it be? What about you might people be interested to ask about?

Here's a link to the Office of National Statistics latest figures. Only 1.5% of the population of England and Wales is gay / Lesbian for example.

So no, not quite as commonplace as being 'brunette'

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/culturalidentity/sexuality/bulletins/sexualorientationenglandandwales/census2021#:~:text=straight%20or%20heterosexual%20(89.4%25%20of,England%2C%201.2%25%20in%20Wales)

@gowiththefloifonly

I’m going to chose to interpret this as a genuine question.

Sometimes, not very often, but I don’t think of it as a cock. My wife did once call it that when we were trying to work out what to call it (all the words feel quite ridiculous) and we both burst out laughing.

@pumpkintits

Friends largely fine. Parents awful, took them years to come to terms with it.

I sort of knew but I think I suppressed it or convinced myself everyone felt that way and had crushes. Because I “liked” men too it was easier to ignore

This is a difficult thread as I suspect no one wants to offend or be politically incorrect.

When both partners are fertile, how do you decide who will carry a baby? I know a couple well who have had two children and it was the more masculine of the two who had the babies. She is also the main breadwinner.

@Pertangyangkipperbang I’m glad things are working out for your daughter and that you’re supporting her. It’s not always easy for parents, especially if it’s not something they grew up around.

I don’t think there is just one answer to that question, some people subscribe to the “born this way” idea, some people think you can fluctuate. Perhaps it’s some odd combo of nature and nurture. Perhaps there isn’t a definitive answer and it’s different for everyone. Either way it’s entirely possible and quite common for someone to be affected by internalised homophobia/ want to be conventional/ have an easier life and suppress or ignore any feelings that contradict that.

@tumblebumbleweed I actually had to Google this 😂Gosh I’m a shit lesbian aren’t I? Perhaps you should take over this thread

It’s an AMA so crack on and ask, I don’t mind.

Don’t know how others decide, we had one each using the same donor

@PurpleBugz try it a few times and see? Online dating. But do be honest that you’re just looking for something causal at first.

You can always go back to just blokes if it doesn’t work for you sexually and that’s a dealbreaker. But you’ll probably learn a lot about yourself and what you want emotionally and in other ways