I’m a lesbian - AMA

[Gisty]

no idea if this will generate loads of questions or none, but go ahead

I say I’m a lesbian rather than bi because while I dated and slept with men in the past, I’ve only truly loved women and on balance greatly prefer sleeping with them. That’s not to say I’m completely cold to men, and never fancied or had a crush on a man or wanted to sleep with one - I did. But I haven’t for ages and I don’t think I would again if I was somehow single again. This is hypothetical because I’m long married and plan on staying so.

I’m probably a believer in the Kinsey scale and would say I’m not 100% exclusively attracted to women, though I know there are people who are. Perhaps that might make some people say I should define as bi but to me lesbian is just a more accurate shorthand for what I am now and what I think I’ll stay as. The majority of the women I’ve met who call themselves lesbians have had sex with men at some point, either because that was the convention or they wanted to confirm it wasn’t for them, or because they did like it and got something out of it, but at some point chose not to do it.

A friend who is an academic told me that sexuality used to be understood in terms of sex acts, not identities. Aka, I enjoy DOING these things, not I AM this thing. It’s an interesting idea.

@Gisty Your situation is interesting too. Do you / your partner feel any differently because of whose egg created which kid? I’ve wondered whether if the baby I carried wasn’t genetically mine I would feel exactly the same because of the hormones etc. and vice versa, would it be strange seeing a child with my eyes, that I didn’t give birth too. I expect any differences felt would very quickly melt away. Carrying a child and feeding them etc is powerful but so is the act of caring for or “mothering” a child.

I think you're absolutely right about the differences melting away. A lot of these were things we worried about before DC1 was born, but became less relevant afterwards. DP was worried she might not be able to bond with DC1 anyway (being aware that not all birth mothers instantly have a magical bond), and might not be able to separate this from the fact he didn't look like her. We were both very sensitive about subjects like family resemblance and avoided mentioning it. Then he came out looking the exact same as me and it didn't matter at all. We did do a lot of work to make sure that our parenting was as equal as possible though, to make sure that we've both ended up with a really strong bond - I feel lucky being the 'other' lesbian mum in that respect because I suspect that if I were a dad in a straight couple it wouldn't feel so obvious that that needed to happen, and a more distanced father-child relationship would just seem normal.

Also, I'd wanted DC1 to be from my eggs because it felt important to have some kind of biological link to really feel having a child was something I was doing with DP rather than just for her (she wanted one more than I did). When he was here, that's when it became clear that the genetic stuff didn't really matter at all, and that made it easy to go ahead with having another one who isn't biologically 'mine'. But on the other hand, it still sort of does matter, or we wouldn't have gone through another full round of private IVF to have a baby made with her eggs, when we could have just tried with a frozen embryo we already had (and which would have had a better chance of success because younger eggs).

Interesting thread. I‘m not gay and am in a very happy relationship with a man I’m extremely attracted to but I love your descriptions of the type of woman you like, that would totally be my type if I liked women even though my bf is nothing like that! Weird how our minds and thoughts work isn’t it 🤔

@Lwrenagain such an interesting question.

I think someone else has already said a lot of what I’d say. Call out homophobia, treat us as normal but don’t ignore the differences, make your kids aware of different families etc.

A couple that I’d add are:

• if your son / husband / mates MUST watch lesbian porn try to ensure they understand that it’s fake and that real life lesbians and bi women are (almost always) not interested in being converted or watched or asked if he can join in.

• Don’t make everything about the trans debate. We’re complex, real people with a range of issues and concerns, many of which are being eclipsed by this. I’m not saying lots of LGB people aren’t invested in the trans debate, plenty are. But there are lots of other things going on for us too and this is taking up a lot of oxygen, funding and time. So if you want to be an ally, try to also learn a bit about the cost of having kids for lesbians or homophobia, or how lesbians are being treated in Italy or India, or why we can’t join you on that group kids holiday you’re planning to Dubai or Turkey.

@AgnestaVipers that hadn’t really happened to me much, but I’m not much of a one for clubs and bars anymore (little kids) so don’t tend to be around straight women when they’re getting tipsy and amorous.

When I was younger a lot of straight girls did make a bit of a thing of going out drinking and snogging each other at the end of the night. Usually when that annoying Katy Perry song would come on.

I’ve had quite a few straight women tell me all about their big crushes on female celebrities (Carey Mulligan and Margot Robbie seem to be popular) but then go on to say they’d love to kiss / feel them up but couldn’t do anything involving a vagina because that’s just gross!

Very interesting replies to my question, thank you all.

I think it's the job of anyone who isn't in a position to struggle with something like being treated differently because of their and sexuality (I also extend this to every aspect, so if you're a person of colour in a predominantly white place etc) that people like me, straight and white, should absolutely be making sure that we call out bigotry.

I absolutely wouldn't stand by and allow your sexuality to be ridiculed in any fashion etc so I think I'm doing the right thing, I also don't want to ever fight the battles of someone who doesn't want that from me, so I do always ask before I go charging in if it's about an individual not just a generalisation.

It's wild that in 2023 with the technology we have, the medical advances, that homophobia still exists, I'll definitely do all I can to be a decent ally!

(Except to my bff, she's just getting more bounty related traumas from me 😁)

@AgnestaVipers I'm sorry but I did actually Lol at "How's your colleague" x

There was a mumsnet thread on the Italian birth certificate thing, and as far as I recall it was pretty homophobic. Lots of heteronormative assumptions about what birth certificates should have on them (genetic information, apparently), from people who clearly have no idea what UK birth certificates have on them.

what can we the straights do to make life easier for you?

It's lovely that people are even asking this.

I would say please please let your daughters know that there are so many different ways of being a girl, including the good old-fashioned tomboy.

I despair at how many would-be lesbians are, in their teenage years, so horrified by the idea of being same-sex attracted (and the actual word 'lesbian') that they rather pretend to be male.

Not everything is about the trans issue - but it has singlehandedly wiped out lesbian spaces, and lesbian identity is rejected and shunned by many young people thanks to gender.

My 10yo said she was non binary, because she didn't feel like a boy or a girl. I said it isn't a feeling, it just is, and she can dress how she likes whilst being a girl. The relief I saw on her face was HUGE. I do feel if more people approached it like this the seemingly huge numbers of trans teens would come down. Puberty is such a confusing time, they need sensible adults to guide them through this not to feed into the delusion that you can change your sex.

Actually my first ever dipping my toe into the great trans debate (I have trans pals so I was always a good little ally) Anyway, it was on the feminist board when I read about lesbians who weren't prepared to date transwomen being excluded.

Regardless of how someone identifies how very fucking dare anyone tell people of any sexuality they have to date someone they're uncomfortable with. WTF?! If you don't want to date a man, a transman, a non binary person then unless I've lost the fucking memo surely to the depths of hell that is your choice?!

That really fucked me off, nobody tells me I who I should be bloody dating, why the very fuck is that a privilege that isn't extended to lesbians?

As you can tell, I find that shit irksome.

Lesbians being told they don't have the same choices as me? Nah not on my fucking watch. You can date a translass and have my blessing (lol cause you need blessing from me, but I'm sure you get what I mean) but you shouldn't ever, ever, EVER, be told you're wrong for choosing who you do or don't want to have a romantic relationship with.

Fucking gross way to treat you ladies and I'm not having it. (Again because I'm so important 😂🙈)

I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to form an emotional connection with a woman than a man, but that's partly because my DH is more or less a total closed book in terms of emotions 😄It is a sticking point as I am someone who needs to feel emotionally connection to someone and I've rarely found that with men.

I've had a couple of relationships with women, neither of them long-term. One was very emotionally intense but ended due to too much drama 😄the other one just ran its course. So not a lot of experience to go on, but without wanting to overgeneralise, I can see the 'more complex but more rewarding' thing perhaps being true for a lot of f-f relationships...