I’m a lesbian - AMA

[Gisty]

no idea if this will generate loads of questions or none, but go ahead

Do you think I'll ever get over my obsession with Kate McKinnon?

You don’t need a label . Just live your life .

Where in the world is it still illegal to be a brunette?

Wow, six totally unnecessary "unnecessarist" here supporting each other... Q for them: Why are you here? Why don't you start AMA about something you consider interesting?

Now, back to the topic.
Thanks for all the answers. Especially comparing the birthing mum Vs second parent experience is very interesting, and rather unique.

Another question.
There is a stereotype, that some men hear "I am a lesbian" as "challenge" rather than "no". Have you met it? How prevalent was it in your dating times?

What a lovely thread this is (except that I suspect the people who could stand to learn the most about lesbian experience are the ones who think there are no questions to be asked).

My question is: especially as your parents were not very accepting at first, do you think your families feel differently about the DC who is not 'biologically' yours compared to the one who is? And if so, what do you think about that? I have one DC with my partner and another on the way - I didn't want to be pregnant but I donated my eggs to DP when she carried our first baby. So he's genetically 'mine' and gestationally 'hers'. Now we're having a second but with her eggs (same sperm donor) so not blood-related to me. Our family are all very amazing and supportive, and love all the various grandchildren - but I suspect my DF (who sadly is no longer with us) might have felt secretly strange about the one who isn't related to me though wouldn't have let it show.

Thank you for answering @Gisty

I do understand your point, and didn't want to cause you any upset.

@JamSandle intelligence, bookishness, humour, taking an active interest in the world and ideas, kindness, beauty (no sh*t), dark colouring - nothing overly unique

@HeadAgainstWall0923 well there are the secret hand signals … seriously though, no. Personally I don’t. Unless someone is dressed/ styled in a very gay way, or flirting with me or actively kissing another woman it’s quite hard (for me) to tell. Maybe some can…

I do sometimes get a bit of a feeling about someone, or about particular singers or actresses, and sometimes it’s been right - but even a broken clock is right twice a day

@Lwrenagain hrmm not sure. You sound like a consummate prankster, the Bounty thing, brilliant! I don’t think I can top that.

We have our own friends, but we are probably a bit more likely to come along / linger with the other’s friends than a bloke might be with his wife’s friends. Especially now we’ve got little kids and a lot activities involve bringing them along, and / or meeting up with other people and their kids. I hope people don’t find it annoying, but perhaps some do. I always sort of wish people’s husbands would come to more stuff, but a lot of men seem to be allergic to socialising with women.

Quite a few of my straight friends have asked me that too (when drunk). I don’t know why it’s so interesting but you’re not the only one 😂

Probably not

@ZiriForEver I think drunk men in clubs / bars definitely see it as a challenge, it usually got a response of “prove it”. I think for many blokes “lesbian or bi” is a porn category, not a group of women who have no or less interest in them as a prospect.

One thing I also find a bit grating is when men are having a conversation with me in a completely non sexual / dating context, like at a work event, or as a friend of a friend, and they’re seeming nice and friendly and interested and then as soon as they hear I’m not an option, their mask of “nice, friendly, interesting guy who was talking to you as if you were a human” drops and they either just walk away or actively get annoyed as if you were deceiving them on purpose

Wow some of the latent homophobia here. Why shouldnt the OP post an AMA about this, who do you think you are saying that?

I'm not the OP but I hope it's ok to chip in (I am finding this thread so useful - there aren't enough places to share experiences of lesbian parenting!). My DD isn't biologically mine and I found it interesting that my mum was totally relaxed about it; she admitted early on that she'd wondered whether it would make a difference and had been pleasantly surprised to find she kept forgetting about it entirely. My dad, however, clearly does see a difference. He very conscientiously points out that he's treating all of his grandchildren equally, with mine no different from my brother's (biological) children. So for example he recently, very generously, offered to give all the grandchildren some money, and he explained carefully to us all that he was giving the money to my DD as well, with no difference made.

To be entirely fair, although I do find this slightly hurtful, I can see that he is trying his best to be really fair.

There's some fascinating research out there on changing attitudes to lesbian couples having children. Emma Brockes (who writes for the Guardian) also has a book on the subject, and Cherie Moraga, as well (much older; eye-popping in places and quite sad).

@BarnacleBeasley thanks, glad it’s interesting!

My wife’s family were also not good at first. Everyone is now well over it though and most of the grandparents are delighted with their grandchildren on both sides. I expect they do all feel a bit more tender towards the grandchild that is “theirs” but they don’t show it. It helps that they are a boy and a girl so less chance for direct comparisons between them. In some ways I wish they felt exactly the same for both kids, but I suppose it’s natural for there to be a bit more investment in the kid who looks like their own family etc and so long as they don’t show it to the kids, I don’t mind. They’re human.

Your situation is interesting too. Do you / your partner feel any differently because of whose egg created which kid? I’ve wondered whether if the baby I carried wasn’t genetically mine I would feel exactly the same because of the hormones etc. and vice versa, would it be strange seeing a child with my eyes, that I didn’t give birth too. I expect any differences felt would very quickly melt away. Carrying a child and feeding them etc is powerful but so is the act of caring for or “mothering” a child.

You might also find the autobiography of Sandi Toksvig interesting on that front, as she was 'outed' as a lesbian on the front page of the newspaper as having children, which is not that long ago (90's I think) so for those saying why does it all matter, it was only very recently that it stopped being front page news and as some of the posters have stated, there are still important things to think through right now.

It's not even a 'not that long ago' issue. Earlier this year Italy revoked the rights of non-biological same-sex parents. Women who had been legal parents to children they had been raising, were suddenly told no, not any more, we've taken you off your child's birth certificate.

It is still the case that same-sex parents often have to argue or jump through hoops to have their legal rights respected in this country.

I did not know that, that's shocking and shows that such rights are very late coming and not set in stone at all.

Thanks for your reply!

Here's one for anyone gay/bi/not straight if youd be okay answering, what can we the straights do to make life easier for you?
Genuinely, what would make being a woman romantically interested in the same sex easier for you?

I don't mean, "not harass us on the bus", because naturally that would be a given, but what would make things easier and more pleasant to be gay?
Because I imagine you navigate far more things in life than I do, even if it's just being asked the same/or awkward questions etc

That's an interesting question.

This is a great approach.
My thoughts:

• call out discriminatory comments where you see or hear them, don’t leave it to us. Even if there is no one openly gay in the room, there will be gay people they know now or in the future that those comments are negatively directed towards.
• raise your kids to be accepting of others.
• don't assume anything! Just because I l live my life as a gay woman one way, doesn’t mean all gay women do!
• realise that whilst gay rights have come a long way in the UK, they can be very poor in other parts of the world and regressive in some areas eg Italy. This impacts our ability to travel safely and openly.
• Recognise we have to come out ALL the time. Sure, it can be meaningless interactions but it can also be where we have more to lose eg at work or with other parents. Don’t make it any harder than it needs to be!

Thanks for asking!

If you have dated both, would you say there are differences for you personally in dating lesbian vs bi women?

I always wonder whether having experience with men is something bi women talk about and 'bond' over.

Or any other differences really.

Actually I realise I lumped you in with bi women there. I meant given you had dated men too.

Thinking of it, related question - why would you now say you are lesbian, rather than bi?

@datinginto50s any differences between lesbian and bi women. I don’t think I have a big enough sample size to answer this.

I wouldn’t say bi women talk about or bond over having experience with men. Probably because what sets them apart from the “norm” (aka straight people) is that they have experience with women. They do talk about the experience of being bi as there are some aspects of that that feel distinct from being straight or gay - mainly negative ones unfortunately to do with straight men fetishising them, straight people seeing them as slutty or polly or a threat, and lesbians seeing them as different, undatable or untrustworthy. But then this is just my experience, maybe some bi women can chime in

Thanks OP - lots of wisdom on this thread (as well as the narky homophobia).

I'm a lesbian too, and I found your description of the stages of response from your parents really insightful. Mine were broadly similar - my father was so old he had no real clue how to think of my relationships and so asked me "How is your colleague?" 😄

My mother struggled with the thing, though she attended my wedding. However, she did cry mournfully as if at a funeral.

I thought this comment was en pointe:
Also I think sometimes people take it quite personally when you do something that is very different to what they did - they take it as a criticism. Like how when you tell someone you had a tiny no fuss wedding and the immediately get affronted and defensive about their own big fancy wedding. Some parents can take hearing their kids are gay as a rejection of the way they lived their own lives.

My mum is a covert narcissist (and I am now NC with her) so I think all of my glaring differences were a bit of an affront to her.

The sex questions have been handled respectfully - chapeau. I am not surprised that some women wonder about the penetration issue. Long story short, becoming a lesbian does not mean you cannot have penetrative sex, and in my experience it's an integral part of a range of different ways of getting off.

I assume this (the range) is the same with straight women - but I suspect for many it is not.

Here is my question for the OP:
Have you ever found that supposedly straight women get decidedly handsy with you when they are drunk? I have, many times, and I find it both annoying and weird.