I’m a lesbian - AMA

[Gisty]

no idea if this will generate loads of questions or none, but go ahead

@SarahAndQuack they aren’t school age yet, a toddler and a baby, so too young to experience anything directly. Sorry that your kid has, really sad. We’ve had a bit of occasional weirdness in playgroups and things about there being two mums, but nothing too overt. More people being surprised that we don’t fit into the heteronormative mould they are used to and being a bit thrown by that I think.

Having had one kid who I carried and who is biologically mine, and one who my wife had and is biologically hers we both found that it does feel different at the beginning. With the baby I had there was more of a sudden rush of fierce angry protective love. With the baby my wife had it was more like a love that grew over the first few weeks and it was oddly more positive - sort of aren’t you amazing, rather than, only I can protect you from this TERRIBLE TERRIBLE world, quick take that vase of flowers away MIL, it might fall on her and crush her. Probably the impact of hormones and bonding and sleep deprivation / birth exhaustion / breastfeeding. It evened out quite quickly though.

@Bigroundpear out of interest does it affect you / your friends in a literal way? Like are there trans women trying to date you or trying to come to your meet ups to be provocative? I’m genuinely curious because I’ve been off the scene for so long and don’t have a ton of gay friends.

I think my mum thought exactly this for a long time. The first time I told her I wasn’t straight she apparently blanked it out, because when I much later told her I had a serious girlfriend she claimed to have no knowledge of me having told her before, stage one. Stage two was a sort of grieving that I wouldn’t have the kind of life she’d had and that I’d have a harder time. Stage three was a sort of exaggerated niceness to my girlfriend where she acted as though I was in a Victorian style literary romantic friendship with a feminist companion and that we’d decided to eschew men together. I eventually got sick of her pretending I was a modern day member of the Bloomsbury Group and forced a very direct conversation onto her where I told her I had sex with women - often - good sex - and that the sex I’d had with men was bad and unsatisfying . She’s now at stage four where she treats us as she would a straight couple.

@ZiriForEver sometimes, it’s a bit harder now that lesbian / androgynous fashion has become quite mainstream.

Stage three was a sort of exaggerated niceness to my girlfriend where she acted as though I was in a Victorian style literary romantic friendship with a feminist companion and that we’d decided to eschew men together. I eventually got sick of her pretending I was a modern day member of the Bloomsbury Group and forced a very direct conversation onto her where I told her I had sex with women

Love this description, brilliant

@leafinthewind sounds like you’re doing plenty if you’re supporting her and loving her and showing her lesbians are normal and can live interesting varied lives. Your worries are normal and valid, especially for a parent.

The only thing I’d say is (if you can) try not to share your worries with her and find someone else to talk then through with. You want her to feel she can come to you with HER worries and that you are a safe reassuring person for her to offload to. If she thinks you’re already worried, or that she might just make you more anxious by sharing, she’ll probably hide any worries she has from you.

I think the same. A thread is unnecessary. It's really not an unusual thing to start an AMA about. Why did you, out of interest?

@BLOOMINTIRED hrmmm, practice makes perfect? Strategic placement of pillows? Take turns? have break part way through for orange slices?

Presumably so people can ask questions, which the have been doing.

@indiraq i suppose because people in real life do often seem to have questions, and / or out of curiosity. To see if it got lots of questions or very few.

It has got quite a few so I evidently there are some people who don’t think it’s unnecessary

Why is the thread unnecessary? The default assumption of most is heterosexuality and there's lots to discuss about being bi, being lesbian, how these are perceived, experiences of being them, and just lots of questions that have actually been asked!

I find your answers extremely thoughtful and insightful, unlike some of the 'why are you even mentioning it? posters who haven't, so far, advanced the conversation at all.

I also enjoyed your description of parental acceptance. It can be awkward as a parent to say the right thing and so some self-consciousness and stupidity in one's reactions might be a little forgivable (I hope, I definitely say daft stuff to mine).

I did not know many out lesbians when I was younger, a few but now quite a lot as it seems many have decided women are for them in later life, so for us it's been a more evolving thing, I suspect I'm older than you (fifties).

🤣🤣🤣 I'm up for more practice!

We often have a brew and cookies break!!!

I had friends warm me beforehand that sex with a man is a sprint but sex with a woman is an ultramarathon... Maybe I need a tailored training program 🤔

I'm bi but I'd never date a lesbian just other bi women.
And I hate the big bold in your face l gay pride scene 🤷‍♀️.

being gay isn’t unusual, it’s as normal as being a brunette. I really don’t understand why the need to post this.

Please stop reposting this.
What bollocks! Of course there is prejudice.
There was a humiliation of two women by a loud group on the Tube in London it was filmed.
There are stares and eyerolls and nudges in many public places and people walking away. It is with all classes.

Agreed

What physical and personality traits attract you in a woman?

This. It's so weird to come in on a thread where there have been loads of questions and claim that there's no reason to start a thread.
Why don't you just scroll past if you aren't interested?

I haven't got any questions at the moment, but thanks for an interesting thread.
Not sure why people come onto a thread of 4 pages of questions to ask why the op thinks anyone would be interested?! Weird!

Sorry cross post Annasoror

Ignore all the grumps...

I've found the whole thread really interesting.

As someone who was shamed for kissing a girl during my teens and went on to marry a man very young, I did not have the opportunity to explore my attraction to women until my marriage ended in my late 30's.

I will absolutely ask all the daft questions to any seasoned lesbian willing to answer!

I also value the thoughtful responses you've provided to parents who worry. This is so important, my teens know I'm a safe space for them and they can talk to me about anything - including sex and relationships.

40 year old married bisexual woman here. Married to a man and we have two children.

I’m also very interested in whether lesbians can tell whether another woman is a lesbian or not just by being in her company?

Sometimes I meet a woman and this rush of chemistry smacks me straight in the gut with such overwhelming force and I will feel so, so drawn to her, and sometimes I wonder if she’s attracted to women too and whether she felt the chemistry as well.

I usually just smile at her and walk away but I do always wonder……

Thanks @Blinkityblonk

Re parental awkwardness. I’ve chosen to be a realist. My parents were bad about it, it was scarring and hurt / hurts. But that doesn’t mean I don’t see that their reactions were coloured by the era they grew up in, how they saw LGB people being treated / talked about then and their own expectations, hopes and fears for me and my future. Also I think sometimes people take it quite personally when you do something that is very different to what they did - they take it as a criticism. Like how when you tell someone you had a tiny no fuss wedding and the immediately get affronted and defensive about their own big fancy wedding. Some parents can take hearing their kids are gay as a rejection of the way they lived their own lives.

Ultimately they are my parents and we love each other and I’m not going to burn down our relationship because they had a human disappointing reaction rather than a perfect one. Also I’m a parent and I’m sure I’m going to upset and disappoint my kids in some way and I hope they’ll try to understand and forgive me

My best friend is a lesbian and I've spent over 30 years looking for ways to annoy her, not regarding her sexuality although it isn't off the table, but I'm running low on ideas. Once I spotted her car outside a shop, i ran in quickly and bought loads of bountys and blue tack and tacked them all over her windows, because she's always hated bountys. (Never ever confirmed it was me, but she's 90% sure it was!)
Even though I was in the room with her when she came out to her mum, every now and again I'll say, "aye, what did your mum say when you told her you were gay?" Any other ones you can send my way would be much appreciated.

Also, do you and your wife have the same friendship groups? My friends and I made friends with a lesbian woman and she brought her wife everywhere with her, she was ace, her wife was a rude condescending whinger. The friendship died out which was sad, because she was very open about having no friends but I suspect bringing her misery Mrs with her didn't help her. Most of my mates who are gay don't have friends away from their partner, but I suspect that's just my pals, not a general lesbian thing 😂

@eatdrinkandbemerry interesting. Why wouldn’t you date a lesbian?

Thank you for this thread and this response in particular. It’s so interesting. As a straight woman I’m embarrassed to say that the dildos question was the only one on my mind too (and have tried to delicately ask my gay friends in the past but their replies were too vague or a definite no).

That really does say a lot about you and nothing about the OP, who has been heroically patient, and answered some rather prurient questions with grace.