I am asexual - AMA!

[YouAreNotBatman]

Hello!👋🏻
Feel free to ask me questions.

This person may have ebb and flo

I don't

most asexuals don't

The fact that this poster ebbs and flows into and out of asexuality doesn't change the definition of asexuality

any more than someone ebbing and flowing into and out of heterosexuality changes the definition of heterosexuality

And the fact that my spell checker doesn't recognise the word "asexuals" just demonstrates again how there is such a lack of awareness in society

how can it be a "Made up issue" when 1-2% of the population experience this for their whole lives, and have been documented to do so as far back as Roman and Greek times?

How can you say to me that my sexuality is made up? How would you feel if I told you yours was!

How are you going to respond to a son/daughter/niece/nephew/ sibling/friend who comes out to you as asexual?

With mockery and denial? What do you think that will do to them? And to your relationship with them?

Could I just clarify, Op, if you're a virgin. I get the impression you are from your posts, but you haven't actually said so, unless I missed it?
I used to think I just needed to meet the right man but have realised for a while that I'm probably asexual. Thank to you and the other posters for making me realise I'm not that unusual and certainly not a freak.

“How can you say to me that my sexuality is made up? How would you feel if I told you yours was!”

@Nimbostratus100

Well to be fair it’s not a sexuality, it’s a lack of sexuality. Although it’s seems reasonable to label yourself asexual in dating profiles etc. so that only people who are not interested in any sexual dimension in a relationship contact you.

I'm aro ase (I subscribe to the split attraction model but I'm aware that not everybody does) and I'm a virgin at 44 years old. It's one of those things that bothered me when I was younger but don't care about now, although some other people see it as a massive deal. I did kiss a guy when I was 18 or 19 in the misguided belief that it might kick start something in me but I've been happily alone/single for the past 25 years.

There's still the chance I might meet someone but I very much doubt it now as there's been no attraction to anyone in my entire life.

Not all asexual people are virgins due to a variety of reasons though.

Thanks slashlover .
I googled aro ase (ace?) and went down a rabbit hole there. It is a minefield!

I'm aromantic asexual in that I don't feel romantic attraction or sexual attraction. I believe that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are separate and you can feel neither, one or both. For example, a one night stand might feel sexual attraction but not romantic attraction or someone may love their partner but not be sexually attracted to them.

I understand that not everybody thinks this way and it can be difficult for people to understand. Throw in that some people can enjoy the act of sex but not be sexually attracted to their partner then it can get complicated.

May I suggest AVEN at asexuality.org where they have FAQs, various forums etc.

So I guess my question's something like: why the "identity"? Why is the kind of sex you have or don't have so important that you want to meet up in specialist groups? I mean, I get why gay people do - they need to construct a social life that could involve potential partners. If that isn't an issue for you, what's so great about getting together to talk about not having sex?

It’s not a identity or aboit that in anyway.
It’s about having a name to something I am, to know I’m not alone or broken.
We are raised and made to believe that everyone wants/will and have to have sex.
It’s lonely and confusing to not underatand anyone around you.
Not to mention the bullying and shaming and pressuring to have sex.

And many asexual want to date, so like gays, you can find a fellow asexual.

And there is plenty talk about just about experiences among people who more or less understand you and at least are willing to try.
I mean take this thread alone, most of the comments are horrible (to the kind one’s, you have been amazing, thank you all of you🤝) imagine trying to talk about my life/personal stuff with these people! By this I donmt even mean about being asexual, but let’s say they’d asked about dating, I couldn’t say anything.

I hope this helped a little to undesrtand why asexuals need other asexuals, even if just online.

It’s a lonely life in sex obsessed society.

Oh, and if someone still struggles to understand, imagine being a new prent, they often want to make friends who also are parents.
It’s like that, but even more important since being a parent it’s common thing - so not anywhere near as lonely/isolating/ nevermind unkonwn thing.

It has nothing to do with libido.

Two different things.

And again, it’s not about identity.

@redbigbananafeet

This makes even less sense.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Fixed as in superglued into place.

As in never going to budge.

I’d be very interested in a study of Asexuality. Because my instinct is that it’s not a fixed thing; not actually a sexuality in the same way as gay or straight. I also think it’s quite harmful for young people to claim as an identity.

I’m perimenopausal and right this moment couldn’t be less interested in sex. But I’m quite a sexual person and it’s a big part of my life. If I had defined my life by the feelings I’m feeling (or not feeling) right now it would have been very sad and small. Sex drives ebb and flow and I don’t think lack of one needs a label. You risk being unable to climb down from it if you make it who you are.

We need to stop pathologising or labelling normal emotions. It’s harmful.

There have been studies, some good, some rubbish

1-2% of the population has always been asexual

and it is just as permanent as homosexuality - as in it is lifelong for most asexuals

and it is deeply harmful to call it a "pathology"

and your "instinct" is ill informed, ignorant, and very very harmful

It’s navel gazing bollocks though.

No one needs to be defined by their lack of a a sex drive. Who cares? And what happens when you’ve made it your whole personality (yawn) and then you meet someone who DOES give you the horn. How do you climb down from that?

There was an article the other day where people were saying oh yes I’m asexual except then I met this girl and it turns out I’m demisexual blah blah oh my god YAWN.

Gay people had to fight (and still do) for the right to have their relationships legal and understood. No one cares if you don’t want to shag people. Really. Stop appropriating stuff.

This is the sort of response which is exactly the reason that we need more awareness, because there really are people around who think like this

@EmpressOfTheSofa - what will your response be if one of your children comes out as asexual? Or do you think they will already know how hostile you are, and cut themselves off from you instead of telling you?

But what does that mean? Comes out as asexual? Don’t be daft.
‘Mum, I’m not currently in a relationship and don’t think I ever will be’m

or

’mum I don’t have sex with my partner’

Neither of those things are any of my business or noteworthy.

FYI both my adult kids say they are pansexual but have never been in any kind of same sex relationship to the best of my knowledge. I just nod and smile. They all need a label. Being straight is apparently social suicide. Meanwhile the grown ups in the room just shrug.

Also apparently Asexual is part of the LGBTQ+++ nonsense. Which literally makes the whole rainbow acronym utterly meaningless.

You all need to grow up and go and touch some grass or something.

"mum I am asexual"

that is coming out as asexual

If your kids are older, now, then it isn't going to happen, but if you have 4 grandchildren then there is a 1/25 chance that one will be asexual

this is why we need more awareness, (and why I am not reporting you for your gross offensiveness)

Because what you are demonstrating, better than I could describe, is the ignorance, hostility, arrogance, malice and prejudice that asexual people face

and that in itself is raising awareness of the situation that asexuals are in.

I am sure many people reading your posts on this thread feel the same sick dread for asexuals in your family that I do, because it is easy to imagine what this attitude will do to them.

Is this satire?

I don't know how many times this needs to be said but SEX DRIVE AND SEXUALITY ARE DIFERENT THINGS.

Asexuality is about who you are sexually attracted to. Heterosexual people can have low or high sex drives, they are still heterosexual. Gay people can have high or low sex drives, still gay.

then you meet someone who DOES give you the horn. How do you climb down from that?

Would you ever ask a heterosexual woman how she's going to climb down once she meets a woman who gives her the horn? No? It's the exact same thing.

Do you know that there is asexual conversion therapy? Do you know that some asexual people have suffered corrective rape? Do you know how it is to have your whole identity dismissed as "you haven't met the right man yet"? Do you know how it feels to be constantly told there is something wrong with you for being who you are or that you're just a lesbian in denial?

FYI both my adult kids say they are pansexual but have never been in any kind of same sex relationship to the best of my knowledge. I just nod and smile. They all need a label. Being straight is apparently social suicide. Meanwhile the grown ups in the room just shrug.

So are you saying that they can't be pansexual because they have never dated the opposite sex? Would you say someone couldn't say they were heterosexual if they've never been in a relationship?

are you so un self aware that you cant recognise ignorant bigotry and bullying?

Asexuality is about who you are sexually attracted to. Heterosexual people can have low or high sex drives, they are still heterosexual.

I am not trying to be antagonistic but I am struggling to understand this, as I imagine other people are.

How does a high sex drive manifest itself in an asexual person? what is it like to want sex, but not to want sex with a man (or woman)?

personally, I can't answer that, because I am asexual with no sex drive at all, and so are the asexuals I know. However, not all asexuals are the same, so this is clearly a different type, so I don't know either

How does a high sex drive manifest itself in an asexual person? what is it like to want sex, but not to want sex with a man (or woman)?

My sex drive is low/non existent so I'm probably not the right person but single people can have a high sex drive without going out and having sex with random people. I'm pretty sure most women also aren't sexually attracted to their vibrator.