I am asexual - AMA!

[YouAreNotBatman]

Hello!👋🏻
Feel free to ask me questions.

firstly, 1-2% of the people you have met throughout every day of your life have been asexual, and secondly, being asexual doesn't preclude wanting a family, and wanting a partner to raise children with.

There are many asexual marriages, where sex only every happens to conceive, then never happens again

I have explained at length why we need awareness of asexuality.

Thank you

This is why I have continued to answer on this thread, ( even though it isn't actually mine!)

I know there is always going to be a certain amount of belittling/ridicule/bullying etc

there always is

but I know for every spiteful response, there is going to be lurkers who are understanding for the first time what asexuality is, and getting their eyes opened to the hostility it can provoke

I am nearly 60, so have had many years to become hardened to this, and it has been water off a ducks back for decades

so I am perfectly willing to put my head above the parapet and let people take potshots at me, for the sake of the younger asexuals who may be coming to terms with what they are, and are more vulnerable and easily hurt.

but reading a post like this still nice, and very encouraging

Asexuality does need to be talked about , and awareness does need to be raised. Therefore, I am happy to see a thread in which someone is sharing their experience of asexuality.

I am asexual, although the term was never used when I was a teenager and young woman. I had problems with relationships because I did not feel sexual attraction , and there was pressure for the relationship to become sexual.

I did conform and I married. Sex was something I hated, and after our second child was born I stopped it completely. I could not even passively consent.

We separated on amicable terms due to my 'problems' with sex. My ex husband was sure I must have been abused at some time, but this was not the case.

I stayed off the dating scene because sex was often on the menu.

Now I am older, I feel much more comfortable. However, my son (21) has informed me that he is asexual. He says that he finds the idea of sex repulsive, and he is not comfortable with the sexual imagery, sexual expectations and even the lyrics in songs. I have directed him to certain ACE websites. I feel happy that he is able to talk to me about his sexuality, but I also wonder how he will find friendship and healthy asexual relationships in a world that is so heavily sexualised and in a youth culture that associates sexual activity with notions of 'success' (as it always has done).

So, thank you for this thread. I hope there are more threads like this so the diversity of ACE experience can be shared.

again, thank you for a lovely post

I march at Pride, and I think a presence at Pride is helpful

I think being able to share pictures of marching at Pride has has been helpful in the past,

I really want all equal opportunity monitoring forms to include "asexual" alongside gay, straight and bi, as this clearly sends the message that we exist, both to people who are asexual and to people who are not

It needs to be mentioned in school PSHE when talking about LGB rights

WE don't need all permutations and grades of grey A ext, it is simply enough to say some people are asexual, and some people define themselves as not completely asexual, or not asexual for their entire lives. ( as in fact we should also be saying about homosexuality)

These are things that would hlep

@vinividivinci

However, my son (21) has informed me that he is asexual. He says that he finds the idea of sex repulsive, and he is not comfortable with the sexual imagery, sexual expectations and even the lyrics in songs. I have directed him to certain ACE websites.

do you not think your very young adult son would benefit from talking to a professional rather than just being directed to websites. He finds sex “repulsive”. Has he ever had sex?

You know that this used to be a standard response from the parents of gay and lesbian teenagers? "Oh no - there's something wrong, we must get them to a therapist to be reprogrammed."

Of course I know nothing about the poster's son and it may be that he has wider issues that would benefit from professional help. Some people who are repulsed by sex do. But not all.

He thinks sex is “repulsive” . He hates imagery and even music lyrics

This is every day life, every where. You would be happy with your son spending a good part of his life feeling repulsed?

Many asexuals wear black rings on their middle finger. I hope that in the future this will be more than a way of recognising each other, and become a recognised signal moree widely, that platonic friendship is all that is on offer, so we don't get hit on in social situations, and have to keep on saying no and explaining. - much the same way a wedding ring is a social signal of not being available

but cant you see how damaging and hurtful it is to say something innate about yourself needs to be treated and mended, rather than just accepted?

I personally feel sorry for heterosexuals, I just think your whole life is riven with upsets, insecurities, jealousy and fear,

I don't suggest you speak to a professional and get yourself fixed pf heterosexuality though! Wouldn't that be offensive and damaging?

Do you?

My young adult son finds something repulsive that he will encounter every single day of his life (song lyrics, imagery, reference to).

For his sake, I would at least want him to view it differently. As regard to whether or not he actually wants to do it… no business if mine if he doesn’t want to ever 🤷‍♀️

Well. I quite frequently need to answer questions about my sexuality when filling in forms. If we lived in a society where there was no concept of hetero/homo/bisexual (and of course this has been the case for many human societies) then we probably wouldn't need the concept of asexual either.

It's odd - I have a couple of minor but irritating medical conditions and maybe twice a year I will read about them online, post on related forums, express sympathy for fellow sufferers, etc. No one has ever criticised me for this, or come onto one of these threads to say "why don't you just get on with your life rather than obsessing about your wonky sinuses?"

But my level of engagement with asexuality threads is about the same, and I and my fellow posters get jumped on every time. Whereas in fact being undersexed has had a much, much more significant impact on my life than my wonky sinuses.

It's up to individuals whether or not they want to have sex. We've always known that there are people who choose not to have sex for various reasons, and that's fine.

I think it's indicative of the narcissistic world of identity politics that such people now claim that being celibate is a sexuality (by very definition, it cannot be) and that they are oppressed because of it. No. You've taken yourself out of sexual competition - it doesn't affect anyone else and therefore no one cares.

I also think that wanting to have sex is an extremely basic and fundamental part of being a reproductive-aged human. It's how we've survived all this time, after all, and survival is basically the most fundamental drive of every species. So there is something quite worrying about people now growing up feeling that they have no sexual drive.

I did read something about how when people live in highly populated areas, we have less babies. I wonder if it's to do with evolution saying, okay, we don't need these people to keep going, we've got enough here. I suspect that's just one element in a more complex mix of identity politics, pornography, transhumanism, loss of faith in institutions, general lack of purpose in life and lack of optimism. And probably lots of other stuff, too.

This is why we need more awareness, this level of ignorance and arrogance!

I very much think and hope that even though the world is becoming more peculiar as the days pass…

this “issue” and the problem of lack of awareness” about not wanting to have sex… will remain well and truly tucked away in Pandora’s box of “issues”

@beastlyslumber You state nobody cares, then immediately after, state being asexual is very worrying. So which is it? Do you not care or are you worried?

you’ve then gone on to state people who are asexual are fundamentally not normal humans.

So to every other poster here arguing there’s no issues around asexuality/no-one cares/ no education needed (looking at you @Vegrocks who has come back to this thread topic over and over - weird for someone who wants to ignore something…) this poster has single handedly and neatly proved you wrong.

@beastlyslumber oh I forgot these are the other things you list as ‘to blame’ for asexuality

• Identity politics
• pornography
• transhumanism
• loss of faith in institutions (I mean wtf)
• general lack of purpose in life
• lack of optimism

so, yep, pretty sure judgement is alive and kicking and education is needed

Pretty sure your reading comprehension isn't up to this conversation, @Lastthingreally .

@beastlyslumber firing off a mean message with no rationale doesn’t help me see why repeating your (copy and pasted) words was a misunderstanding. Only those losing a ‘fight’ resort to slanging offensive missives (with no actual substance) off.

I’d love you to explain. Please do

No one cares about people's individual choice to be celibate. However, as a social/evolutionary phenomenon, it's worrying that young people are starting to see themselves as not being sexual - worrying in terms of what it suggests about society, in the context of many other worrying phenomena. Not in terms of individuals, who can make whatever choices they like.

Ah right. One asexual is ok. A few of them are worrying. Got it

a bit like how homophobes used to deem gay people right? After all they can’t procreate on their own.

being asexual is nothing to do with an individual choice to be celibate.

And people are not "starting to see themselves as not being sexual" it has been 1-2% of the population since the beginning of history.

And in "evolutionary terms" as you put it, asexuality ( and homosexuality) are likely to be an evolutionary advantage to society/tribe/family as it means there are always likely to be some adults not reproducing, and the amount of nurturing and care needed to raise a human child or sibling group means that no child can rely on just their parents.

Aunties and uncles without children are available as spare careers and back up

This is believed to be the reason behind homosexuality rising as you go down the birth order... later born children are more likley to be gay, less likely to have children, are more likely to be available to help raise, guard, protect, feed and teach their older siblings children. If you are first born, you are less likely to be gay, because it may be that you never have siblings that want your help in child care

There has always been in human society a pool of LGB and asexual adults, who for the 99% of the life of our species, have been the extra adults needed to raise the next generations

Also, the evolutionary reason for the menopause

so nothing worrying here at all, in fact, this has helped our species survive.

I admit without shame that I pine for the days when querying someone's sexuality was bad manners.
"You never seem to be dating! What's up with that?"
"Mind your own business."
Is much preferable to my mind than:
"I'm asexual! I first realised when ... [sexual life history] ... awareness ... [lecture] ... Here are some leaflets and book recommendations!"
🥱