I'm in a polyamorous relationship (MFM) AMA

[BubblestarUK]

Just that really, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two men, when I meet people in real life they always want to ask me questions so I thought I'd cast the net a bit wider and open the floor on the web :)

@Dullardmullard

that isn't what you said at the beginning you stated it would end and your in total denial with the kids more so your 14 year old

IF things had been different in the beginning, and IF things changed now, I don't know the future, and I'm not worrying about what-ifs, what's the point?

Couldn't give a monkeys of your set up but its something I would never bring kids into ever because it comes across as selfish as in its what the adults want not what's actually best for the kids here.

That's your opinion and thank you for your input

And I'm not interested in picking holes in teeny tiny bits of posts, because it serves no purpose to the AMA

in your opinion but then that's not what happens in a public forum.

Best of luck with your choices!

Do you live in the UK?

@LeandraDear and to you also ☺️

@Lentilweaver yes we live in the UK

I was picturing "Vicky Christina Barcelona' and thought maybe you lived in Spain with two Javier Bardems:)

@Lentilweaver sadly not, had a quick google of that, and we are very plain janes compared to such sparkly famous people :)

I’d still like to know whether you had a discussion with your kids about this before moving a second man in. And what was their reaction? I’m not trying to judge, I just can’t imagine how you would broach this!

Initially you said you “think” you asked one of them about it a year ago. Then you claim you “ask them regularly”. So which is it?

Do you prefer sleeping with one of them or both together? I can't imagine it, your sessions must be marathons! Are they?

@ladymaiasura

I’d still like to know whether you had a discussion with your kids about this before moving a second man in. And what was their reaction? I’m not trying to judge, I just can’t imagine how you would broach this!

Yes, ok. So before he moved in permanently we talked to the children. We said "how would you feel about Mike(obs not real name) being part of our family? And living all together?

Oldest said yes that is nice, will he do the recycling?

Youngest asked if we would move house,

we said at some point probably but at the moment we will stay put

Youngest said ok, and went back to games console.

I spoke to my eldest last night and said were they truly ok with our living arrangements. Did they have any questions etc? And they said "no it's nice that everyone loves each other why do you keep asking me these questions?"

Hope this helps

Thanks for replying. It sounds like you’ve got a set up that really works for you. It doesn’t appeal to me at all but that’s because I’m quite a solitary person and sometimes feel overwhelmed sharing my life with one husband and two kids. Can’t imagine having the emotional energy for another man! I can certainly see the positives for the kids having three adults who love and care for them.

I still don’t quite understand the relationship between the two men. You’ve said it’s not physical between them. How would they describe themselves? Friends? Does the boyfriend feel any parental responsibility for the kids? If anything happened to you (sorry!), would they stay as co-parents or does the set up rely on you being the centre point?

still don’t quite understand the relationship between the two men. You’ve said it’s not physical between them. How would they describe themselves? Friends?

Yes, friends, mates etx

Does the boyfriend feel any parental responsibility for the kids?

He's doesn't feel he has to do anything but enjoys having an active role in taking care of them, making meals, homework etx x

If anything happened to you (sorry!), would they stay as co-parents or does the set up rely on you being the centre point?

I asked them this yesterday as someone else mentioned it, they said they would of course both co-parent if I died, they'd support each other even more if I wasn't around,

You say your children are your number one but you don't really know how they feel about the situation.

Children have no option but to suck up whatever crap their parents present to them. They can't move out. They don't call up social services and say get me out of here, please. They will suck it up, normalise it, get on with life until the day they can move out as an adult and look back and say WTF was that all about. I know this because as a child I had to put a smile on my face and suck up the shitshow around me.

OP, you are deluding yourself that your DC are OK. This will come back to bite you on the arse when they are older. You think they are fine. Maybe they are gaming all day to block out the weird set up they find themselves in. Their mates will be taking the absolute mickey out of them when they find out.

It sounds like the start and finish in your house is what YOU want. My sons would hate this set up. Your sons suck it up as they know no different.

You lost me here . This is utter bullshit.

No adult in the uk can possibly be surprised that a married couple bringing a third into the relationship, living together with the kids, and both men having sex with the woman at the same time or watching each other shag her is something that people find difficult to accept and comprehend etc.

you lost me there with your faux oh doesn’t everyone do this, we are so surprised that people don’t understand.

aye.

@RadioactiveWear

Children have no option but to suck up whatever crap their parents present to them. They can't move out. They don't call up social services and say get me out of here, please. They will suck it up, normalise it, get on with life until the day they can move out as an adult and look back and say WTF was that all about. I know this because as a child I had to put a smile on my face and suck up the shitshow around me

Exactly. IMO putting children first isn’t simply asking a 10/14 year old:
“Ok with you if I do this? You sure? Ok, cool”.

Kids literally don’t know if some stuff is ok or in their interests till they are much older. That’s a big part of the definition, recognised under the law. But if you genuinely believe that the benefits, when all taken into account, of them growing in a Mum, Dad, Boyfriend family outweigh the cons for the kids here, then fair enough.

I still think you are incredibly selfish when it comes to imposing this set up on your kids.

They have little choice at their age and can't exactly just move out...kids will want to please their parent and especially as they won't want to do anything that might upset their mum, the only real parental figure they have as their father does not live with them.

As I have already commented earlier in the theard I have no issue with someone having sex with/dating multiple partners. You are all adults.

I have a major issue though with someone then bringing them home to their kids and just expecting them to automatically cope with the oddness and the stigma that comes with living with their mum and her two lovers.

I think you are dismissing people's concerns as ''judgemental'' but you have to accept that although you are free to live your chosen lifestyle people will want to look at the impact it has on your kids who have little say in the matter. Perfectly normal reaction I think.

I think you are dismissing people's concerns as ''judgemental'' but you have to accept that although you are free to live your chosen lifestyle people will want to look at the impact it has on your kids who have little say in the matter. Perfectly normal reaction I think.

Absolutely. And I have assured you all that our kids are perfectly fine, happy, healthy, very much loved and communicate well if they have issues and problems etx. But my word seems to not be enough to reassure people here, and that's ok too. We know they are fine, and I am touched that so many people want to make sure they are ok,

@Frangipanitime

You lost me here . This is utter bullshit.

No adult in the uk can possibly be surprised that a married couple bringing a third into the relationship, living together with the kids, and both men having sex with the woman at the same time or watching each other shag her is something that people find difficult to accept and comprehend etc.

you lost me there with your faux oh doesn’t everyone do this, we are so surprised that people don’t understand.

I never said oh everyone does this, about our set up. I said it was unusual which I know therefore was opened for people to ask questions. I know some people disagree, that's fine

@Greenfairydust their father does live with them the dh is their father, isn't he?

@MillicentTrilbyHiggins yes he is and yes he does.

I'm so pleased that MN reinstated your thread, OP. I'm still puzzled by what harm having an additional adult in the household who cares for them would cause your children.

You know your kids. If this was causing them some kind of distress, I think you would have noticed by now.

I spoke to my eldest last night and said were they truly ok with our living arrangements. Did they have any questions etc? And they said "no it's nice that everyone loves each other

" why do you keep asking me these questions?"

this stuck out to me and it sounds as if its embarrassment not an interest sorry.

oh and teens don't come out with its nice you love each other its ewwww mums at it again with 2 men not just dad as that's just ewwwww they most like do puking noises if anything to go by with teens, Christ most don't like PDA from parents.

teens are weirded out by knowing parents shag and don't want to even think about it.

I'd love an AMA from a child now adult that was brought up in this as a lot of it isn't pretty at all. It causes a lot of issues for them bullying for one, thinking they are not enough is another.

They asked me why I keep asking the same question over and over again, I guess it annoys them that they've answered it and I don't seem to be accepting their answer because I'm still asking?

But then obviously you know our children better than me.

I sent my youngest child (18) a message to ask what she would think about this set-up. She said "OMG no 🤮🤮 🤮"