I'm in a polyamorous relationship (MFM) AMA

[BubblestarUK]

Just that really, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two men, when I meet people in real life they always want to ask me questions so I thought I'd cast the net a bit wider and open the floor on the web :)

I think what is considered thought of as Normal heterosexual or normal nuclear family set ups
can be the most toxic Dysfunctional types of relationships going too,
To. the ones the posters who frown at anything unconventional relationships like this,
Heterosexual so called Normal society relationships can consist of Domestic /sexual abuses

However I do get get the more searching insightful observations on others posters about Ops, unconventional lifestyle threads too, about potential emotional implications further down the line for your children being at transitional being at that emotional vunerable transitional stage of their lives,

I do think potential emotional issues should be considered and looked at too, reflections too,

This is something that happens emotional implications of issues not being addressed obviously happens in conventional Normal. Heterosexual relationships marriage and families too,

It makes me laugh some people judge you here on Normal conventional relantships when I have experienced so called Normal relationships and unconventional set ups,

And I have found so called Normal relationships not perfect /idealised either too,
I have had to go into therapy and still don't feel it's enough therapy as I have experienced in early/later childhood traumas and
then was lucky enough to finally end up in a normal childhood through Adoption and then experienced in middle early teens more trauma of much loved mum dying,
So didn't experince enough good enough to counter act shit turmoil fxcked up childhood

So my attitude is fxck what society says its right as there is so much wrong in societies attitudes now and in past in societies attitudes,
That can fxck your head up

This makes sense. In my experience, neurotypical people are more likely to be 'herd followers'. Neurodivergent people tend not to be as bound by social norms and wanting to fit in (unless they're trying to mask), so are more likely to accept difference.

@SignOnTheWindow

Interesting how some women view it as liberating when it is a one woman with two men setup, while the reverse would probably be viewed by most feminists as very exploitative/degrading. I wouldn’t take any proponents - academics or otherwise - seriously unless they have also been on the “sharing” end of a polyamorous relationship for several years. From what I can see it seems it’s more often than not a single woman who ends up with two men than vice versa, and yes there must be a strong egoistic attraction in being the object of two peoples affection.

@Timesawastin

Very Valid point about western model ideal of marriage,
glad to hear you are not afraid to be intelligently provoked
carry on
it's good it's being challenged, that western ideals on relationships and everything in insightful ways 👌

western ideals are not allways right/perfect

I notice you said your husband is not keen on dating. Assume the BF is the romantic one and your husband does the DIY. Wouldn't it just be simpler all around to marry someone keen on dating - literally that is what marriage is all about- and hire someone to do the DIY.

Did the first 10 year "boyfriend" also live in the house & share your bed? Or were the children 8 & 12 already when they first saw a third person sleeping with their parents. This must have been a huge adjustment as they entered early teens. At this age my kids were still often coming into our room - especially to chat in the mornings.

Do your children have friends for sleepovers? I would be surprised by any visiting 14 yr olds that didn't notice or comment on three adults all going into the same bedroom at night.

Do you all have sex together or do you sleep with them separately?

Fucking hell GoodRead, stop doing that big spaces thing with your posts 🤦‍♀️

Does the "boyfriend" (sorry wasn't sure what term to use) want his own children?

Also, does he ever feel like an outsider as you have a longer history with your husband/married/children?

OP, your family sounds happier and more stable than many nowadays. Keep being open and honest and caring and don't let yourself be affected by the negativity. We are often conditioned to put men first. People are actually complaining that you are putting yourself first, because they think that is wrong. It sounds fairly equal to me but as long as you respect and love each other and treat each other kindly, whatever works for you all is none of my business.

When you go out as a family group and meet new people, how do you introduce the two men? How do the men introduce themselves?

I take your point about the relevance of people's sex within the relationship and potential power imbalance given the extent of misogyny in the world. It would require very careful navigation.

FWIW, I don't think there's anything more inherently liberating in this sort of relationship than a monogamous one.

'There must be a strong egoistic attraction in being the object of two people's affection'. I don't agree that this is necessarily the case. There may be, of course, but you could say the same of people with a large number of friends or children.

Unless by affection you mean sexual desire, in which case you're implying that sexual desire is the main or only driver for relationships such as these. I don't believe it necessarily is.

Is it the same person as another post on another thread that seemed to have gaps that go on forever? I thought my internet was playing up and not loading MN.

Personally I would say fine if that’s how you want to live your life but when there are children in the mix then I think a parent has a duty to put their needs before their own sex lives and that’s not just this scenario but any (having affairs, etc). I can’t respect anyone who’s fanny or dick is more important to them than their own children.

It's certainly one way to deal with the cost of living crisis. It seems unfair that the newer boyfriend pays a third of everything. He may not have minded but that doesn't make it ok.

So you have children who are ND yet you didn’t know what ND meant?

What term would you have used instead of ND and are you also ND?

Yeah I know MN looked at this thread but on this point I just don’t think the poster’s validity stands up. Surely any parent of two ND children would be aware of the terminology.

Referring to neurodiversity as "neurodiversity" is a relatively new thing. It definitely wasn't called that when I was younger. You were just your specific diagnosis. Your child had ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia etc. Even now, lumping them all together as "neurodiverse" is not as common offline. The OP knows her children's conditions, but that doesn't mean she knew they come under a general umbrella name of ND.

I have a child with asd and only recently heard the terminology ND. It’s not a common term, maybe it is on mumsnet but not generally speaking.

I don’t think we’ll be seeing OP again…
still can’t figure out if it was a total wind up or a truly unaware and unquestioning person who just assumed everyone was ok with everything.

My questions if it were true would have been about finance and socialising. What social circles do you move in and how do you interact as a three when at, for example, parties and school events? Do you feel more financially powerful as a throuple and is that an incentive for you DH?

My friend has 2 ND DC and hadn't heard the term until I said it recently. She usually refers to them as "having autism" because that's the diagnosis she was told and she's had no need to know anything more up to date.

I agree. I can’t even remember all of terms used for my sons (then) Classic Kanners autism over the last 30 odd years. But I think the term ND has been used long enough now for those in the world of ND to understand what it means. The OP’s children aren’t in their 30’s they’re young and at an age where professionals coming into contact with them even at school would use the term.

Yes it’s the age of the children and the prominence of the term neurodiverse over the last few years (as I know from my own personal and professional life) that strikes me as odd 🤷‍♀️

I always speak of Classic Kanners autism (or if it’s his Tourette’s for eg that’s more ‘important’ at the time) but despite living in a backwater/very small country I’m still aware of what ND means. I’m also really jaded when it comes to all the new terminology we’re supposed to have kept up with over the last 30 odd years.

With regards to this thread, the OP’s replies have puzzled me, there’s just been something about them and I’m wondering if the OP is ND.