I'm in a polyamorous relationship (MFM) AMA

[BubblestarUK]

Just that really, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two men, when I meet people in real life they always want to ask me questions so I thought I'd cast the net a bit wider and open the floor on the web :)

I have been struggling with a particular issue for some time, so it was good to see this AMA thread pop-up this morning!

On a recent re-run of a Bob Ross episode from the late 1970's, the artist was 'bringing down some snow' from the forest line to the water's edge with a Titanium White (No3) using a 11mm flat brush. Would you have used the same paint and brush @BubblestarUK or would you have opted for a thicker Zinc-Oxide White (No34) and a 7mm angled-bristle brush?

I used to know three people in a very similar set-up (although none of them were married and they had no children) so I find this pretty believable. The woman in the set-up was also somewhat ND (not to the extent of legal disability) but I don't believe the guys were taking advantage of her, they seemed protective, in a nice way.

Lots of teens nowadays are determinedly open minded about non-traditional lifestyles, as per PP's text exchange with their teen above. I can well believe my elder DC would find their polyamorous parents practically a badge of honour. My younger teen is a different school, their mates might not be quite so accepting.

Like others in the thread, the one thing I actually couldn't get past would be sleeping in the middle of the bed. Claustrophobic nightmare.

But above thread to said you didn't know what ND meant

So if your younger child is sick/unhappy, the second man will get into bed with them and cuddle them?

This set-up is all sorts of weird.

Christ, someone kindly explained what ND meant and now I understand I'm using it, is that not ok?

Antiques roadshow! That’s the funniest 😂 I’m dying

For the sake of the last few posts I shall ask the partners now, and report back with exactly what they say.

Please stop worrying about my children. They are fine. Surely a larger loving household is better than an empty/neglected/sad one.

When it comes to Christmas and birthdays, does your family buy for your boyfriend? And do they invite him to events your husband is invited to?

Yes we all come as a family.

Some people take it very personal when you choose to live your life differently to how they live theirs.

There would have to be three men to make this work.

Only then can any woman choose: Basic, Better.....Best!

So before today you wouldn't have been able to describe your children in this way?

Who does the washing?

The children, as I said, seem happy with it. I think I asked the eldest how they felt last year and they said something along the lines of "does this mean someone else will do the recycling?"

A teenager playing cool and calm when directly confronted doesn’t mean they actually are.

Truly believed this until this last sentence.
Great wind up btw op!
Enjoy your weekend 😊

So you can never have sex in bed? Or is one a voyeur?

I didn’t wish to say it last night, as I wanted to make sure it wasn’t the same people, and I don’t think it is unless the op is changing things to hide identity. but we have friends who have this arrangement, long term married couple, they started swinging, but it didn’t come to much, no one was agreeing to swing with them, which upset them, and then suddenly a boyfriend moved in. I can’t lie we were all shocked, uncomfortable and concerned for the kids.

you’d go to dinner and the three of them would be sitting there. The two men seemed to get on fine.

however in this case it wasn’t all a bed of roses, the woman has physical and mental illnesses, she is also morbidly obese, the husband has low self esteem and was always a bit Pervy. The husband and wife didn’t have sex together anymore just the two of them before this. We don’t know if this caused them to start again or if he liked to watch or something.

the children acted normally and happy but it wasn’t a well adjusted thing, they would tell people the boyfriend was a lodger,or dad and mum had split up and dad was just staying there.

I recall once though she posted a bog standard pic of herself on Facebook and both men were posting to each other about how gorgeous she was like hey bob she’s so beautiful and yes John she is utterly beautiful love heart love heart. It felt really disturbing.

neither man you’d find remotely attractive. Lovely guys in their own ways , but physically they got the short straw looks wise, there is no way round it. Both are very physically unattractive men by any one’s standards.

She is not unattractive , her morbidly obesity is not either men’s thing weirdly enough, but she is very pretty, but is very ill physically and mentally. Physically she has a chronic condition. Mentally she suffers depression, anxiety and Agoraphobia to a degree.

if I’m honest, no one can understand it, we all just smile and act polite and normal like the kids do, but we all often comment it feels weird as fuck and we are concerned for the kids. We have often suggested to them getting separate houses, that they don’t actually need to live together, for the kids sake, but neither id willing to leave the marital home.

If you split up with the boyfriend would he leave with nothing, complicated by paying some of the mortgage?

Whilst I desperately try to be open minded. I'm really struggling to see how this set up will provide long term, stable happiness. I have to agree with @Greenfairydust.

You are perfectly entitled to sleep with as many men as you want but to force this on your children and think it is ok to have two men going in and and out of your home and expect your kids to accept that? Selfish as hell.

Agree with that. I guess if they’re growing up in a culture/region where it’s a social norm that would be one thing. But that’s not the case here, and instead they’re basically growing up in a Jerry Springer episode with some classmates probably making cruel jokes about it. Nah, it’s messed up for those kids. What exactly is a 14 year old supposed to say when directly confronted? “no mum, I’m not ok with you banging this random guy and my dad at the same time”. I have trouble believing this is even a genuine post.

I mentioned before that the two thruples I've know both involved people with mental health issues and people who are ND.

Do you think the fact you are bipolar, that one of your partners has adhd and that your kids are ND has any effect on why you are in a thruple? And if you think it makes it more successful or more of a challenge?

You say your children are your number one but you don't really know how they feel about the situation. Did you discuss their feelings with them before your boyfriend moved in? Surely such a major life decision should've been discussed with them?
I'm pretty sure my teenager doesn't tell me everything so even if they aren't saying it, it doesn't mean they aren't feeling it.
My friends son has recently been getting all kinds of stick at school just because she got a younger boyfriend, you can't be sure the same thing isn't happening to your dc.
I don't judge your situation as such, each to their own, but I judge how selfish you seem about it.

Agreed. This "kids are the priority" stance and not realising they were ND until today really don't sit together well.

Head in the clouds

What did you get from each of them for Valentine's Day?

They bought me a joint present from both of them and wrote separate cards

A joint present. Really. Sounds like they have got a great understanding between them and get on pretty handsomely. I sense a wind up thread here. Perhaps they got each other a secret little something as well?

You say your children can ask you anything but they don’t because they ”seem” perfectly happy with the situation. I know ND comes in all forms but many of the ND children I’ve worked with would find the situation confusing and would be more comfortable trying to ignore it rather than discuss it. I think most children (ND or not) would feel uncomfortable discussing their parents unconventional sex lives. How can you be sure this is not negatively affecting them? I’ve seen children from all sorts of family situations that “seemed” alright but absolutely weren’t & had to deal with the consequences later in life.

I absolutely agree with this.

@BubbleStarUK, have you heard of the book 'What Love is and What it Could be' by Carrie Jenkins? Carrie is a philosophy professor who is in a long-term relationship with two men. An interesting read.