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AMA
Original poster

I'm in a polyamorous relationship (MFM) AMA

383 replies

BubblestarUK · 17/02/2023 22:26

Just that really, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two men, when I meet people in real life they always want to ask me questions so I thought I'd cast the net a bit wider and open the floor on the web :)

OP posts:
BadNomad · 19/02/2023 01:36

Eyerollcentral · 19/02/2023 01:01

Yes it’s the age of the children and the prominence of the term neurodiverse over the last few years (as I know from my own personal and professional life) that strikes me as odd 🤷‍♀️

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Prominent with who though? I doubt people refer to her children as ND when talking to her. Schools and professionals tend to use the specific disorder when talking to parents. Or "additional needs". Professionals may use ND (should actually be "neurodivergent", but that's another story) when talking to each other, or in official capacities, but when talking to lay people they will keep is simple. And if she doesn't socialise with people who do use that type of language, then where is she supposed to hear it from?

BadNomad · 19/02/2023 01:42

DesertRose64 · 19/02/2023 00:52

I agree. I can’t even remember all of terms used for my sons (then) Classic Kanners autism over the last 30 odd years. But I think the term ND has been used long enough now for those in the world of ND to understand what it means. The OP’s children aren’t in their 30’s they’re young and at an age where professionals coming into contact with them even at school would use the term.

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That's assuming she has professionals involved. But like I said in my reply above this, unless she is around people who use that specific language to her, she's not going to know it.

DontGetEvenGetEverything · 19/02/2023 01:48

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 18/02/2023 07:46

Whilst a polyamorous relationship wouldn't be for me, I've found this thread interesting. My best friend is part of a FFM thruple, although no DC.

And on the topic of what teens think, I asked mine. Here's the answer from the 16 year old.

@SlimeIsBanned I wouldn't take "someone to put your feet on" as a dom/sub thing. I quite often used to sit on the sofa with my feet on my then DPs lap whilst we watched TV. Nothing more than comfort.

That's very similar to OP's teen daughter's response. Quick to move the conversation on, almost glib, no exloration of thoughts or feelings.
I wonder, if it was a very conservative world view that teens were reflecting back to their parents like this, would it look sincere?

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 19/02/2023 02:01

DontGetEvenGetEverything · 19/02/2023 01:48

That's very similar to OP's teen daughter's response. Quick to move the conversation on, almost glib, no exloration of thoughts or feelings.
I wonder, if it was a very conservative world view that teens were reflecting back to their parents like this, would it look sincere?

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We had a more in depth conversation about it when I got home. But I genuinely don't think it would bother him. I think the initial WhatsApp convo seemed glib because to him it's so unremarkable and acceptable that he didn't need to say any more.

Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 04:18

Some people take it very personal when you choose to live your life differently to how they live theirs.

I've noticed,

So before today you wouldn't have been able to describe your children in this way?

Autistic or as having autism.

If you split up with the boyfriend would he leave with nothing, complicated by paying some of the mortgage?

No he'd probably take the separate savings we started a while ago, but I doubt he's going anywhere

I don't judge your situation as such, each to their own, but I judge how selfish you seem about it.

That's your opinion, and your entitled to it

Do you think the fact you are bipolar, that one of your partners has adhd and that your kids are ND has any effect on why you are in a thruple? And if you think it makes it more successful or more of a challenge?

Maybe, maybe not, I don't know any different

Why would I worry about stuff that might or might not happen? Seems like a lot of wasted energy and unnecessary anxiety

Agreed. This "kids are the priority" stance and not realising they were ND until today really don't sit together well.

Not knowing an abbreviation before today? Righto 👍🏼

notice you said your husband is not keen on dating. Assume the BF is the romantic one and your husband does the DIY. Wouldn't it just be simpler all around to marry someone keen on dating - literally that is what marriage is all about- and hire someone to do the DIY.

Why drop one or the other when we are all happy as we are?

Do your children have friends for sleepovers? I would be surprised by any visiting 14 yr olds that didn't notice or comment on three adults all going into the same bedroom at night.

No they've never had sleepovers. They don't like people in their rooms for long periods of time, nephew sleeps over and has the living room as and when.

Does the "boyfriend" (sorry wasn't sure what term to use) want his own children?

No he doesn't.

Also, does he ever feel like an outsider as you have a longer history with your husband/married/children?

I've just asked him, he said no, why would he?

When you go out as a family group and meet new people, how do you introduce the two men? How do the men introduce themselves?

They say hi, and their names. And introduce themselves as my partners

It's certainly one way to deal with the cost of living crisis. It seems unfair that the newer boyfriend pays a third of everything. He may not have minded but that doesn't make it ok.

We didn't ask him, not a case of him minding, he insisted!

So you have children who are ND yet you didn’t know what ND meant?

What term would you have used instead of ND and are you also ND?

I'd have said they have autism, and I have bipolar.

Yeah I know MN looked at this thread but on this point I just don’t think the poster’s validity stands up. Surely any parent of two ND children would be aware of the terminology.

Well I wasn't, I can only apologise that neither of my partners had either.

I don’t think we’ll be seeing OP again…
still can’t figure out if it was a total wind up or a truly unaware and unquestioning person who just assumed everyone was ok with everything.

My questions if it were true would have been about finance and socialising. What social circles do you move in and how do you interact as a three when at, for example, parties and school events? Do you feel more financially powerful as a throuple and is that an incentive for you DH?

What do you mean? We have friends, we do jobs and volunteer work, school events dad and I attend. We feel more financially stable, not sure what power has to do with anything?

With regards to this thread, the OP’s replies have puzzled me, there’s just been something about them and I’m wondering if the OP is ND.

Yes I have bipolar, I'm not sure why this makes a difference to anything or anyone? Clearly labelling people gives a lot of posters here confidence to talk down to others

We had a more in depth conversation about it when I got home. But I genuinely don't think it would bother him. I think the initial WhatsApp convo seemed glib because to him it's so unremarkable and acceptable that he didn't need to say any more.

Yes exactly. It's really not that big of a deal to my two either. I'm glad someone can see where I'm coming from.

Thanks for the genuine questions and friendly chat, to the pearl clutchers, finger pointers and unnecessary judgy harsh comments, seriously, try and realise the worlds bigger than just around you and your views.

I hope everyone I've spoken to find their own happiness in their own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 04:20

Oh, and for the record, both partners have read this entire thread, and are pretty astounded by the lack of acceptance or ability to try and understand. I think they feel more sorry for some of you than anything. Says a lot really when it's coming from men who some of you deemed so weak and feeble.

Some of you have really been an excellent source of humour, so thank you for that. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 04:25

Life is about learning, growing, adapting, finding our new things, about learning what's important. I've learnt some new terms here on this thread (thanks to the kind posters who explained them to me) that's how people expand knowledge.

To anyone who send me PM messages on here I've no idea how to access them. Sorry 😞 my email tells me i have a few, but the link to them is broken.

Mumsnet apparently removed this thread due to a number of complaints, but after reading have reinstated so I'd love to know what lead some people to bash at the report buttons.

OP posts:
DesertRose64 · 19/02/2023 06:20

Yes I have bipolar, I'm not sure why this makes a difference to anything or anyone? Clearly labelling people gives a lot of posters here confidence to talk down to others

I wasn’t aware you have BPD until I read the above reply.

ASD is more common in families where there is a history of BPD. Have you ever considered that you may be on the spectrum? That perhaps you’ve been misdiagnosed which is very common on women. Or that you may be on the spectrum and also have BPD.

I only ask because of what I picked up in your replies. It made me think the OP could very well be on the spectrum the way these replies are coming across.

It helped me to look at your replies differently when I reread some of them.

DesertRose64 · 19/02/2023 06:21

And just to say that I didn’t report your thread.

BellePeppa · 19/02/2023 07:00

BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 04:20

Oh, and for the record, both partners have read this entire thread, and are pretty astounded by the lack of acceptance or ability to try and understand. I think they feel more sorry for some of you than anything. Says a lot really when it's coming from men who some of you deemed so weak and feeble.

Some of you have really been an excellent source of humour, so thank you for that. :)

Ha I don’t think anyone here needs your partners pity. You put an AMA out and get touchy when you don’t like some of the responses 🤷‍♀️

Mumof3teenagers · 19/02/2023 09:48

@BubblestarUK i just want to say you’ve handled all the awkward and sometimes judgemental questions with a lot of dignity.

You come across as a very well balanced individual who knows her own mind.

I would not, personally, be interested in a throuple or polyamourous relationship myself. Id be way too jealous for that and I find one man enough to cope with 😂However, I found your thread interesting and opened my mind a bit.

Im not saying I fully understand your set up but thank you for the insight.

Lentilweaver · 19/02/2023 09:53

Ooh this thread is back:)

What does your nephew/extended family think of your situation?

Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:06

@BellePeppa you really need to chill. Hardly touchy, the subject was AMA, not "give me your opinions on"

try and open your mind and be a bit kinder, you might just surprise yourself with how much better you feel in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:07

What does your nephew/extended family think of your situation?

They don't understand it and don't want intimate details etc but they support us and are very welcoming and inclusive

OP posts:
LeandraDear · 19/02/2023 10:45

BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:06

@BellePeppa you really need to chill. Hardly touchy, the subject was AMA, not "give me your opinions on"

try and open your mind and be a bit kinder, you might just surprise yourself with how much better you feel in general.

You must think that you are in an unusual situation though as you have posted in AMA? What is the point of that?

Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:46

You must think that you are in an unusual situation though as you have posted in AMA? What is the point of that?

The point was to answer genuine questions.

OP posts:
LeandraDear · 19/02/2023 10:48

BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 04:20

Oh, and for the record, both partners have read this entire thread, and are pretty astounded by the lack of acceptance or ability to try and understand. I think they feel more sorry for some of you than anything. Says a lot really when it's coming from men who some of you deemed so weak and feeble.

Some of you have really been an excellent source of humour, so thank you for that. :)

It seems you were expecting a different outcome to how this thread has gone? Was this your intention - to get a laugh?

LeandraDear · 19/02/2023 10:49

BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:46

You must think that you are in an unusual situation though as you have posted in AMA? What is the point of that?

The point was to answer genuine questions.

You haven't addressed my point about thinking you are unusual?

Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:50

It seems you were expecting a different outcome to how this thread has gone? Was this your intention - to get a laugh?

I wasn't expecting anything, though it was a given that I'd come across some narrow mindedness and judgement. The laughs have been an unexpected bonus

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:52

You haven't addressed my point about thinking you are unusual?

Isn't everyone in some way? Why does it bother you so much what I think of myself? My set-up isn't "normal" for most people so offering the chance to discuss seemed a good thing.

OP posts:
LeandraDear · 19/02/2023 10:52

BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:50

It seems you were expecting a different outcome to how this thread has gone? Was this your intention - to get a laugh?

I wasn't expecting anything, though it was a given that I'd come across some narrow mindedness and judgement. The laughs have been an unexpected bonus

It just sounds as if you are very bitter now with the replies with these lashing out comebacks.

Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:54

It just sounds as if you are very bitter now with the replies with these lashing out comebacks.

Ah yes defending myself may come across as bitter, and the fact that you feel these are lashing out pretty much sums up my point.

Enjoy the rest of your day won't you 😁

OP posts:
LeandraDear · 19/02/2023 10:57

BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 10:54

It just sounds as if you are very bitter now with the replies with these lashing out comebacks.

Ah yes defending myself may come across as bitter, and the fact that you feel these are lashing out pretty much sums up my point.

Enjoy the rest of your day won't you 😁

You have to admit that telling everyone they are a joke which you have enjoyed in your trio is lashing out? By signing off to me I also guess you don't like this line of questioning?

Dullardmullard · 19/02/2023 10:57

Fair enough, but as I said before i don't know till it happened but I'd definitely listen to his reasoning had things been different

that isn't what you said at the beginning you stated it would end and your in total denial with the kids more so your 14 year old

Couldn't give a monkeys of your set up but its something I would never bring kids into ever because it comes across as selfish as in its what the adults want not what's actually best for the kids here.

Original poster
BubblestarUK · 19/02/2023 11:00

You have to admit that telling everyone they are a joke which you have enjoyed in your trio is lashing out? By signing off to me I also guess you don't like this line of questioning?

It's more that you are trying to be deliberately goady. And I'm not interested in picking holes in teeny tiny bits of posts, because it serves no purpose to the AMA

also, if you read the full thread it says "some posters" not all, though you obviously feel you fall into the negative category there, so 🤷‍♀️

OP posts: