Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

No one, not anyone in my opinion, has a "right" to a child. Not anyone.

I am sorry that for some people that will result in heartache and longing. There is hopefully counselling that can help people come to terms with that particular grief.

In your case, OP, I'm afraid I am appalled that you already had a child before choosing to adopt a surrogate. Millions of women with infertility would give their right arm to have just one child. It smacks of such unforgivable entitlement that you looked beyond your own good fortune, not just in having a child already, but in surmounting health difficulties that I assume could have been life threatening and after which, still thought that this was a path you needed to tread.

Surrogacy is completely wrong, in my opinion. I can just about get my head around altruistic cases like sister for sister ( I'm sure in some cases it goes on under the radar anyway) but as soon as any payment changes hands, it becomes wrong as there is a power imbalance. The only way I could see it working ( setting aside the fundamental wrongness of removal of a child from their birth mother) is if it was illegal for any money to change hands. That would soon weed out the walkers from the talkers.

The minute rich white women start carrying babies for more disadvantaged women, I'll be back to revisit my stance on the subject.

Are mothers selfish to have more than one child then? After all they're 'risking their own life' and potentially leaving their existing children without a mother. There's so much sensationalist bullshit on this thread.

There are plenty of people who aren’t able to carry a child - surrogacy gives them the chance to have a child

It gives them the chance to buy a child.

an interesting AMA.

I have to be honest, I really struggle with people who opt for donor egg/sperm babies when they already have their own biological child(ren). It’s probably fine when they’re all little and too young to understand the complexities, but it creates an odd set up with emotional obstacles for all the kids concerned.

I saw a poster on here once who already had 2 biological children, was desperate for a third and went for donor egg. I remember thinking it was very selfish, that she couldn’t just be content with the kids she already had, and was prepared to complicate her family just to satisfy the baby urge.

My husband was adopted at birth and, despite a very happy childhood with lovely parents, has now as an adult got a myriad of issues (difficulties with abandonment and attachment, addiction, panic attacks, self harm). His birth parents were teens with no issues by any accounts so he attributes this largely to being separated from his mother at birth.

I don't really have a question as such other than did you consider this? Be prepared that though your daughter may be a happy child these issues can come out much later.

I can't understand deliberately risking what my husband has gone through just because I wanted another child.

Honestly mn is full of absolute hysteria that all pregnant women are at imminent risk of death and spontaneous combustion. That UK surrogates are all poor women who dont know their own bodies or minds and have no right to make choices about their own bodies.

And the whole buying a baby is nonsense as well. No one is handing over cash in exchange for a newborn. The surrogate is entitled to compensation to make that 9 months of her life easier.

Surrogate is happy. Parents are happy. Child is happy. MN are fuuuuming.

I believe this sort of difficulty can be part of what has been named ‘genealogical bewilderment’.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genealogical_bewilderment

I suppose it’s difficult to imagine unless you’ve experienced it or witnessed it at very close hand.

Hope your husband finds a route to peace.

Every pregnant woman has to weigh up their risks for every pregnancy they have.

That's not the same as asking someone else to risk their health on your behalf. Surely you understand the difference?

It was our surrogate mother's preference to choose a family who had already had a child. She enjoyed seeing how much our older child loved their sibling. We initially thought we might be ruled out but our friend's view is not uncommon.

Re life insurance, I would say that if you have a wake up call at that point, it raises the question of whether you've looked at the issues seriously at all. Life insurance is bought after the contract has been discussed and signed so worst case scenarios have been talked through by that stage. I think opinions will always be different about a proportionate response to the risks of pregnancy. But yes, it is sobering and not to be done lightly.

My friend's expenses are personal to her. I don't feel quite right about listing them on a public forum, rightly or wrongly. Lisa Lum on YouTube does a great video explaining how expenses are itemised. That would be more helpful for anyone really interested.

Some posters have suggested we bought our baby so why do I feel like I've been given a gift. Well, we didn't buy our baby and the financial compensation would have been the same if she had kept the baby. It would have been our loss in that case.

I can only say that I wish you had seen the expression on my friend's face when I held my daughter for the first time. My friend said "This is what I've been waiting for" and her face was full of joy. I couldn't fail to feel it was a gift and no financial recompense could cancel out my gratitude. That's not to say my gratitude dispenses with the need to critique commercial surrogacy. This is just one perspective.

I have a friend who is intending on becoming a surrogate to a couple. Yes, money is involved however every penny has to be accounted for ie maternity clothing, prenatal vitamins, reimbursement for any time taken off work due to the pregnancy etc. There is a spreadsheet for literally every single penny that changes hands. It covers money that the surrogate is spending/losing out on due to the pregnancy, there is no profit.

Seeing that it you would find it acceptable for a relative to do it for another (and the risks don't really change much for a relative as they would a stranger) is it the idea of the monetary profiting that you have an issue with?

Indeed. Very much the opposite of 'her body, her choice'.

You btook a 4yo to an anomaly scan???

I would say that if I met you in real life
I am completely against surrogacy

Years ago, back when I was a naive teenager, I said I would be a surrogate for a gay male friend.

Then I had my own children and suffered terribly. I became disabled after pregnancy. I could never do it.

I don’t agree with surrogacy in that it risks a woman’s health simply so someone can buy the baby.

But I also acknowledge it’s going to happen. So as long as the woman is 100% certain, and the baby is happy, then I keep my mouth shut if anyone says to me they used a surrogate. But I haven’t met anyone yet

All I can is congratulations OP. Belated but still

Yes, they do. The surrogate weighed up the risks in this case and was happy to proceed. I'm not sure what your point is?

OP I am glad things went well for you and your family. We have a birth child and adopted a second. In between we tried fertility treatment (several times) including with donor eggs.

People who have not experienced fertility issues probably never understand what it's like to want a child or another child and so won't understand this.

I don't support commercial surrogacy but voluntary surrogacy is different. (Personally, I think it is similar to the difference between selling your organs or donating a kidney to a family member.)

010001
No. My mistake. Our child came to a private 3D scan later on.

Italiangreyhound
I'm so glad you were able to complete your family.

I'm going to step away from the thread now because RL needs my input. I hope this thread has been helpful and/or interesting. Thank you again to those of you who have made kind comments. We do feel very lucky! Lots of interesting discussions to be had around this and many valid perspectives.

Hi OP, I too have a DC via surrogacy and I think you have answered all the questions beautifully and honestly here. On MN there seems to be so much hostility towards surrogacy and thankfully we have neither seen nor felt any in RL! I am thankful every single day for our little one, and like you, neither DC or our dear friend who was the surrogate have any issues whatsoever about it all. If anything we are a much more honest and open hearted family because of the unique situation. May I wish you and your family much love and happiness, and well, ignore the haters because they don’t see the truth in the situation as they are fortunate enough to not have to tread this path.

My husband was adopted at birth and, despite a very happy childhood with lovely parents, has now as an adult got a myriad of issues (difficulties with abandonment and attachment, addiction, panic attacks, self harm). His birth parents were teens with no issues by any accounts so he attributes this largely to being separated from his mother at birth.

I would assume your husband’s issues stem from feeling unwanted by his birth parents which many adopted children feel as they feel not good enough.

This is different to surrogacy as the parents have gone through lots of work just to have them.

Still unwanted by the woman who gave birth.

and adoptive parents go through a lot of work to have them, arguably more ‘work’ than commissioning parents, depending on the law in the country where the birth occurs.

emotional responses aren’t something that can be rationalised away like this.

not all adopted at birth children have these sorts of problems, so some proper research into how and why damage occurs would be far more useful than just assuming surrogate born children will be fine.

No i completely get that. My point is people put their selves at risks every day and this woman CHOSE to risk her life, for lets say... money.
Why is every one blaming OP for this surrogate putting her life at risk (which is also quite rare) she would've done it for someone else if not her. They would've gone over all of it. Its not OPs fault.

I think this is wonderful!!!
I'd love to be a surrogate if I was able to and give someone the chance at a family, it's the greatest gift in life I think
So happy it worked well for you op x