Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother

Was it an anonymous egg donation or do you know the donor? Was it not possible with your medical issues to provide the egg yourself? Do you worry that your surrogate child will feel "different" from your child who is genetically yours?

Interesting thread thank you OP.

I cannot believe the views/hate of others.... I've clearly been living in the dark.

Op , thanks for being so brave to come on here. I think it's lovely you have your completed family.

hotdog

I can only say that our daughter was very peaceful and contented as a baby. I did skin to skin for ages and stayed alert to signs of stress but as the Health Visitor kept pointing out, there just weren't any. I kept her with me wherever possible and we just had a lovely close beginning. It has made me wonder just what the primal wound is about and if perhaps a traumatic pregnancy plays more of a role than the initial separation - which also happens in NICU without the same issues as adoption. I don't have any answers and am not qualified to pontificate but I can honestly say our daughter was responsive and relaxed from the first moment. She was a mummy's girl but a big smiler too. Just a happy baby.

So you already had a child and you chose to put another woman’s body at risk? The entitlement is off the scale - I honestly don’t know how you sleep at night.

Did the birth mother express for you or what did she do with her milk?

How did she feel afterwards? How quickly did you take the baby from her?

do you ever worry about the impact being separated from her mother will have on your child as she grows up?

I think surrogacy is wrong. As a woman, do you think its ok to put another womans life at risk so you can prance around with a baby? You basically used her. Hideous practise that in todays world anything can be bought. Would your life have been miserable, empty without a baby? Incredibly selfish and abhorrent thing to do

Having had a large family surely put her at more risk? I have a large family and the last one was risky right at the end..
I would have loved another but bared no entitlement to have one.

This!!

£20k....shameful. 😔

I'm glad the birth mother of your daughter was unharmed. Why did you rule out adoption?

Thank you for your response - I’m sorry for the hassle you’re getting on this thread.

i hadn’t considered the impact of a stressful pregnancy PLUS separation but imagine that’s a factor too - probably more likely to be a factor in babies who are adopted. As you say probably a factor in NICU babies too - even more so as they can’t be handled and given skin to skin etc.

Pleased to hear your daughter seemingly adjusted so well.

I don’t know why it’s such a stretch to believe the surrogate might actually have been a willing and glad participant.

Why do people keep asking about adoption? It’s completely different.

I would have loved to have used my own egg but the health issue ruled that out. It was a blow at the time but now I actually go cold at the thought that a different set of circumstances could have led to me 'missing' my daughter, who I wouldn't change for the world.

At the moment it's enough for her to be secure in the knowledge that we adore her and so far she has seen the surrogacy journey as an indication of how much she was wanted and what kind people there are in the world. She dressed as a princess for her day in court and loves that (although she doesn't remember it now!). I know there could be issues along the way but so far this has been the narrative for her. She is good at forming attachments and she definitely feels confident that she's loved. The issues regarding egg donation are IVF issues and not specific to surrogacy. We're alert to any signals of possible unease on her part but so far she just loves life. She's nine.

We don't know the egg donor and didn't choose them but the clinic do have extensive health information regarding family history. That has been valuable.

Thank you to those who have said lovely things, I really appreciate your good wishes.

Have you told your daughter that you paid money for her?

Isnt surrogacy free in the UK? I thought you cannot pay the surrogate for her services

Isn’t that the same for couples that undergo IVF or adopt?

You pay 'expenses' it's not free

“Expenses” aka loophole

Isnt surrogacy free in the UK? I thought you cannot pay the surrogate for her services

Paying "expenses" is legal.

You’re a brave woman posting this OP, lots of posters will be calling for blood!

I have no feelings on surrogacy either way, but I’m glad your daughter seems to be happy and well adjusted.

UnshakenNeedsStirring it's under the guise of expenses. It's a transaction all the same. A baby bought. Egg donators also get paid about £650-750

I don’t understand the hatred on this. Do you all feel so strongly about women (or men) who work in dangerous or back-breaking occupations for money? They’re also basically being paid for use of their physical bodies.

I think surrogacy is a bandwagon mn has jumped on to be outraged about.

We pay money for our children all the time, food, housing, clothes, school fees. I had one son conceived naturally, and another through IVF. And yes will probably comment playfully that he cost us an arm and leg

I don't agree with surrogacy but this point about money is stupid.

To those who dislike surrogacy, do you also feel the same about egg and sperm donation? Or is it the physical pressure and risk that a surrogate mother goes through that is the issue? Thanks to anyone who answers.