Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

:)

How do you feel about women being offered cheap chances at IVF if they trade in some of their eggs? It might be their only way to afford it but I feel they're being exploited nonetheless - the thought of their cycle not working out and their wanted biological child growing up with another couple seems all kinds of wrong to me.

I think it's all kinds of wrong too @Namechange974 though I can understand why women/couples are tempted.

1. Payment for egg "donation" in the U.K. is limited to £750 and yet the reductions offered for egg sharing are very substantial, iirc one fertility clinic advertised a basic fee of £1000 instead of £4000 plus.

It's certainly not in the spirit of the legal restriction on payment.

1. NICE guidelines state that hormone/drug doses should be kept to the minimum in order to reduce the risk of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. I occasionally look on the fertility board here and have seen posters say their specialist reassured them that all they needed was "one good egg" and they were lucky enough to have a baby from just that one egg. But in egg sharing there is a need to produce more eggs, so it must be a concern that these women are stimulated to produce more eggs than they need for their own purposes.

1. I believe they have counselling and must weigh up the possibility of another woman having a baby from their egg whilst they themselves remain childless but I think that would be an incredibly painful situation to find oneself in and very difficult to come to terms with.

Yes, I think it's exploitative.

I don't agree with you about 2. Women encourage each other they just need one good egg but they'd be exceptionally lucky to get an good grade embryo from a cycle where just one egg was harvested. Doctors don't treat patients differently if they're sharing eggs - there's a standard dose of the medications.

But I have to agree on the other points - it makes no sense whatever.

Agree they are probably very lucky to achieve success with just one egg, no doubt their specialist tries to be kind and encouraging but I've certainly seen posters on the fertility board saying it worked for them and giving encouragement to other posters.

As regards the dosage of medications - that would vary with different patients anyway but I don't believe there isn't an incentive to stimulate the production of more eggs. Even if that is confined to a minority of less ethical operators, it's bound to go on.

Egg donors in USA commonly have as many as 40 eggs collected in any one cycle. I do believe it is better regulated here thanks to the HFEA but that doesn't mean it is problem free.

I remember this when I was that age!

Couldn't you have adopted a child?

I hope this is a joke 😂😂😂😂

It's not like adoption where a child has been born and for many reasons their mother cannot raise them. Surrogacy is a purely selfish act. “I want a baby so I’m going to pay someone to give me one”
I don’t believe any woman would carry a baby for someone else if they were not going to receive any payment, even if it’s dressed up as “expenses”.

As you were fortunate to have already had a child of your own, I find it especially morally wrong and very selfish of you to pay someone else to offer they egg cells and another person to grow that baby for you.

It feels like you feel entitled to another child, at any cost

In addition I feel sorry for the baby for two reasons

• being removed from her birth mother after spending 9 months in her body and recognising her sound
• not knowing who her biological mother is

It's all about the parents' wishes and ability to 'buy' a baby

I have children and know the risks. If someone I loved couldn’t have a baby I’d think about it. Some people are more altruistic and will do it for strangers … it’s my body and my choice. I don’t agree with doing it for financial gain, or the adverts for eggs etc. I know someone who was adopted and he loves his family and has a good relationship with his birth family.

I get the bigger picture and it’s not always done for the right reasons/money/getting their own ivf etc but it’s not always someone being taken advantage of either . In this case it appears to be above board so don’t crucify op for the women being exploited. I’m glad it worked out for you op

I struggle with the fact they will have what is essentially adoption trauma and that that’s known and accepted but the adoptive parents (using that term although I accept they might also be biological) still press ahead.

Atleast where they have been adopted the trauma might have been unavoidable to give them a better quality of life etc.

But I am still on the fence as I don’t understand enough.

She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.
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How is the baby not related to her biological Mother?*

She might have used donor eggs.