Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

Would you say that to a child born from private IVF?

Well done for posting OP, it's very brave of you and I hope that your thread has helped to answer some people's questions about surrogacy.

But that is YOUR belief. Which you are free to have. It doesn’t mean you are correct. This is a happy (and legal) story for all involved. Whether you see it as buying a baby or otherwise.

My question is:
Why post this here?
Fancy causing a bun fight?
To expose some of the 'amazed' people to the reasons why many women find surrogacy an appalling trade?
To encourage others to seek a surrogate?

What's your motivation?

But that is YOUR belief

It's not a belief its fact.
Money was exchanged between the surrogate and the buyers for the use of her body and the baby she birthed. Is that not fact?

You can tell a lot of the posters know very little about ART, egg retrieval, egg donation (often done by younger women doing their own IVF rounds who get a reduced price if they share half their eggs, done willingly). I have done 4 sets of egg retrievals and it’s fine physically, the emotional stuff is the hard part of it but that’s about a fear of it not working.

Egg donation and surrogacy isn’t something we want to do ourselves but I would not judge so keenly as so many are here. I think those who easily conceived and carried children simply have no idea. Your DD seems loved and well-adjusted and you sound like lovely parents. Best of luck.

OP - sorry I’m back. I find all this fascinating.

I wondered how the newborn phase compared to your first child? You obviously have a comparison of the two? I’m thinking in terms of bonding etc?

If I were a surrogate (and I came close), I would find you suggesting I was being coerced or pressured or anything except acting on my own will and in the context of my bodily autonomy highly offensive. And quite unfeminist.

agreed - thank you for putting it so succinctly.

Your views are incredible problematic and damaging for women’s rights.

Very brave if you OP but thank you for the thread. Before I had kids I had an ovary removed due to a pre-cancerous cyst and although I was reassured time and time again that there was no reason, as a result of the surgery, why I shouldn’t be able to conceive easily (which I did) I did spiral for a while about it. In those days surrogacy was something I thought about.

How did you feel during the pregnancy? You describe your surrogate as a friend but I’m sure there must have been moments of fear/nerves during it about what would happen when your baby arrived. How did you cope with those?

Your views are incredible problematic and damaging for women’s rights

How so?

I was coming on to ask this question as well.

Thanks

So much hate. How about respecting women’s choices?

Apparently you can only respect choices that align with your own values.

So much hate. How about respecting women’s choices?

I do not hate the people involved.
I hate the fact that womens bodies and the children they produce can be bought and sold. I hate that it is dressed up as an unselfish act when in truth it is nothing but selfish.

When is the buying and selling of human beings ever ok?

Putting aside the highly emotive language you keep using comparing surrogates to prostitutes, it is not your duty nor your right to tell women what they can and cannot do with their bodies nor with the babies they carry so long as things done are legal. There will always be moral arguments of which there are many many shades of grey. A word of advice - it would be helpful if you could please refrain from implying surrogates are prostitutes. It detracts from intelligent discussion and just makes you look foolish and whatever sensible argument you had will be less respected.

Having seen a previous response regarding disability- if the baby had disabilities and the birth mother didn't want a termination would you have kept the baby? Was this written about in your contract?

Yes to both.

Why do you keep calling it a gift when you paid for her services? Is your window cleaner giving you a gift too? Is it because you feel guilty about the fact you paid someone to have a child for you and gift sounds better than the reality?

For everyone worried about the impact on the baby - and interested in actual evidence - there are now several longitudinal studies on the impact of surrogacy on children. One of the most comprehensive ones is Dr. Susan Golombok's 'Longitudinal Study of Assisted Reproduction Families.' She's the Director of the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge. The chidren in this study are now in their late teens - you can read a recent summary here:

srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/cdep.12406

tl:dr - Surprisingly, the children and their parents both seem to be doing better than average on every measure

Putting aside the highly emotive language you keep using comparing surrogates to prostitutes,

I used that comparison only once and it was not even a comparison and I never implied surrogates are prostitutes I said "I view surrogacy worse than prostitution."

You may believe that the buying and selling of women is strengthening the women's rights movement I do not.

Yep. Some very black and white views about this on mumsnet. Get your hard hat ready.

is this study actually on surrogacy? Looks more like gamete donation?

Sorry about all the haters. I think altruistic surrogacy is a very different kettle of fish to commercial. Maybe they should have different names.

My cousin was born by altruistic surrogacy after the first child was profoundly disabled (she's 30 now) due to a genetic condition.

My AMA is have you encountered much hostility IRL. How do you cope?

It’s a wonder anyone affords to have a baby if the pregnancy apparently costs £20k. Expenses, yeah right. You rented the womb and purchased your child. The entitlement is astounding.