Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

A couple of questions -
The adoption agencies felt your health condition was not compatible with adopting a child. How is it not going to impact this surrogate child?
Could you not come to terms with having just one child? What was so overwhelming that you had to go through with such an expensive and morally dubious process to get another child?

I don't mind surrogacy per se and know a few altruistic surrogates but the intended "mother" was genetically related to the resulting child

I think surrogacy using egg donation should be banned

Totally agree. Thank you for posting this OP I think it was very brave! It’s wonderful to know that your surrogate was so happy and that it’s been such a positive experience for everyone. It is a mind blowing gift for someone to give.

How would your other child feel if they knew that you didn’t want to risk having another autistic child? Maybe it would be better if my whole family didn’t exist!

The insanity in here of some posters damning surrogates who are consenting adults is crazy and hypocritical.

How did you feel during the pregnancy? You describe your surrogate as a friend but I’m sure there must have been moments of fear/nerves during it about what would happen when your baby arrived. How did you cope with those?

It's hard to convey how enthusiastic the surrogate mother was about how much she wanted to do this. She's a very warm, funny, altruistic person with lots of lovely children of her own who understood what she was doing and were proud of her. When she said she didn't want any more of her own, it was easy to believe her completely. We did know each other well by the time we went ahead. We reminded ourselves she could change her mind but it felt like something that would likely only happen in an alternate reality. Her children were old enough to understand the situation and did not want another sibling but were very excited to be part of helping another family.

Costs are more than medical costs. Time off work? Childcare for children? Various forms of assistance - cleaner, etc - we don’t know the details of the expenses so I’m not sure how you’re equipped to comment.

Also regarding adoption as an alternative, you only have to spend about 3 minutes on the adoption boards here to see how heart breaking and complicated that process can be! It definitely doesn’t seem like it’s for the faint of heart and I can see why surrogacy can appeal as an alternative. I think international surrogacy should probably be illegal because the risk of human right’s abuses is so high, but legal in UK in situations like this.

Balderdash. It's a completely different thing. By your analogy if I'm pro choice then I have to be ok with prostitution. Newsflash: no.

violet You've misunderstood. I referenced autism as a factor in explaining why we didn't go down the route of adoption. We've fostered children with complex needs and were not sure we could walk into that (via adoption) and give our older child everything they deserved. And it seemed unlikely we'd be approved given the circumstances.

That's how I feel when they trot out the 'I'll say it's not exploitative when I see wealthy white women doing it' well I don't see wealthy white women working as janitorial staff, but that kind of exploitation is ok?

You seem to forget that a third party - a child - is central to this business transaction and yet has absolutely no say in the matter. One person wants something they can’t have so they pay someone else to provide it, except what they’re providing is another life. It’s a bit like slavery. Rich landowner wants someone to do their dirty work so goes to a slave master and buys another human being off him to perform this job.

human beings are not commodities to be bought and sold, whether those commodities are adult slaves, sex workers or unborn babies.

What did the £15-20K payment comprise?

Sorry for the level of hatred you are getting from some on here OP. It is the surrogates decision on the risk she is taking. Just as every woman who decides to carry a child takes that risk. As a PP has pointed out there are many risks we all take in our lives.
There are plenty of people who aren’t able to carry a child - surrogacy gives them the chance to have a child that is related to them and/or their partner which isn’t possible with adoption.

My AMA is have you encountered much hostility IRL.

Not a sausage. In real life people either don't comment or just say how lovely our daughter is. Thankfully!

This had the potential to be very interesting but as usual the MN massive overtake it to pontificate their views that surrogacy is evil and the ridiculousness of the hyperbole, SHE RISKED HER LIFE FOR YOUUUUU.

Childbirth and pregnancy are incredibly safe in the UK. UK donors do it by choice not by motivation of money. Some women love being pregnant.

People will never be as open IRL as they can be on an anonymous forum. If a friend of mine used a surrogate I wouldn't express my views!

From the opening: ‘The U.K. Longitudinal Study of Assisted Reproduction Families, a longitudinal study of parent-child relationships and children's adjustment, sought to examine these issues in 51 egg donation families, 50 sperm donation families, 42 surrogacy families, and a comparison group of 80 families formed through unassisted conception’

They rented a womb and bought a child however you dress it up.

@TheClogLady it covers both

Or alternatively MN is where women can say out loud what they are really thinking, rather than following social conditioning and saying in public only what they think they are supposed to say.

I’m sure the surrogate’s existing children wouldn’t have been “so excited” if something had happened to their mother as a result of her “altruism”.

No one has a right to a child.

My question to the OP is whether, when you were arranging life insurance for this woman, you had any second thoughts about whether or not to go ahead?

So majority gamete donation (101 gametes and only 42 surrogacy).

it’s a tiny number, 42. Not really enough to conclude anything from, 42.

Then that would have been their mother's issue to deal with nowt to do with the op.

The surrogate chose to do it. No one forced her. She wanted to.

I wonder how much the life insurance was worth. How much is a woman’s life worth, a mother to her own children?

How could you be arranging life insurance for another person and not realise how wrong this is? If it hadn’t dawned on you before, at that moment how does it not? Children could lose their mother because of your entitlement.