Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

bloodyplanes selling eggs is excately that.

@HotDogKetchup Reading/data around which specific point? It is such a hard topic with limited data. And such an emotive point , as the parents of surrogate babies don't want to view themselves as selfish (understandably) when they're just desperate for a child. It is probably hard to think like that when there are mothers and fathers who have children via a natural route and cause them great harm/death. I do get that, I've seen it, it's awful and you wonder why the world is so unfair.

My view re creating children for the purpose of separating from their mothers is based on my own social work practice and social work policy around keeping a child with a mother by all means necessary where safe. Separating a child from their parent, and even more so separating a baby at birth, is seen as the most draconian act in a family court, and is done under the most severe of circumstances. It's just hard to balance that in the light of surrogacy

How would you have emotionally dealt with it if things had gone wrong and the woman had lifelong problems after being your surrogate?

Did you have to go through counselling to work through how you would deal with this eventuality?

What would have happened if the woman decided she didn't actually want to be pregnant any more and wanted an abortion?

surrogacy is nothing like organ selling, neither is it selfish!

Would organ renting be a better description?
Of course it's selfish. You are paying a woman to risk her life because you want a baby you are then taking that baby away from its mother at birth because you want to pretend you are its mum/dad. How is that not selfish?

Also, what would you have done if it transpired during the pregnancy that the foetus had a severe illness or disability? Was that all covered in some sort of contract?

People are always awful on these type of threads. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re surrogate willing did it . You didn’t force her. What she’s done is amazing. I’m sure half of the vipers on here have their own precious family and didn’t suffer with struggling to conceive or infertility.

you have a beautiful daughter and she is a blessing.

@QOD Everyone's situation with surrogacy is different and that's why it's so hard to be cut and dry all of the time.
There are foster to adopt placements for newborns but yes, they don't come up often, and don't always work out the way the adoptive parent would want.

Wishing you all a happy life, it sounds like things worked out well and safely for your family and your friend x

Don't you feel guilty about your child not being related to you and ultimately the mental health issues you may cause her in later life - not to be related to the woman who birthed or or her "legal" mother?

You had a child? Why have another?

I suffered infertility but I would not have burdened a future child with my issues

It is not selfish. The surrogate isn’t forced either. And they are that child’s parents not pretend ones. Would you also call someone who had ivf and donated sperm/egg a pretend parent. Get off your high horse.

Would you buy a newborn puppy and take it home away from it's mother straight after birth?

@bloodyplanes not at all unusual views re surrogacy. It is an emotive subject that is difficult and complex to discuss in terms of emotion/religion/culture/socio economic advantages/trafficking/poverty/child welfare etc.

I couldnt be a surrogate like this, it would rip my heart out to hand over my baby and I also couldnt donate eggs.

Except for my own child, if my daughter couldnt carry a child or needed and egg and I was capable at the age to do it I would do it in a heartbeat but I would feel I was losing a child as a grandchild would be my blood and deeply loved too.

I dont really understand mumsnet outrage though, its no different to adoption (a mother carried and handed over that child too and equally could have died) and both are the choice of the woman carrying the baby.

Feminism is NOT about forcably imposing your views on other and taking away their rights. If a woman chooses and consents to being a serrogate that is HER right to use HER body however SHE want not anyone elses right to take away.

If people believe 'her body, her choice' then you HAVE to accept this, you dont get to pick and choose.

So the egg was brought. And then the womb rented and risk of birth to the mother and then of course the genetic link.
this child doesn’t know her mother and won’t and I feel sad about that.

my friend is 50 and found out aged 20 that she wasn’t either of her parents child. She said she always knew deep down that they was no connection. A neighbours young daughter was pregnant and her parents wanted a baby and effectively paid the girl off to have the baby. Her parents then had a sibling that was biologically theirs. She never felt connected to her ‘parents or sister’ The girl that was birth mum left the area (in Australia) and got married and had a family according to her parents but they revealed nothing more. Recently her parents died and she found the birth mother and contacted her. The new husband of the birth mother wasn’t aware and she has been shunned. My friend has been absolutely traumatised throughout her life like this.

Congratulations!

Are you in the UK and how does it work with a birth certificate / legalities?

Was the surrogate listed as the mother on the birth certificate and can / has this be changed do you parental responsibility?

I understand that people have their concerns over surrogacy. If all involved parties are happy (in particular the surrogate) and no one is pressured into it through any means, I don't see how any one else's opinion matters.

@CharlotteRose90 You clearly have a limited understanding of surrogacy. Many women are forced or coerced by their life circumstances into being surrogates, as it's their only means of gaining money. For a lot of women in less economically stable counties, often very poor women, it is either surrogacy or prostitution via a dangerous pimp.

also was the urge to have this baby because your husband wanted a child and didn’t view the older sibling as his? And wanted his child?

Lord the responses on here 😂😂 so pleased for you OP and happy all parties had such a positive experience, which has been the case of every surrogacy I’ve known of. I’m aware there are negative stories but this case seems like it worked out wonderfully and followed all legal and other protocols

And they are that child’s parents not pretend ones. Would you also call someone who had ivf and donated sperm/egg a pretend parent. Get off your high horse

For IVF the woman who births the child is its mother no pretence.
You are clearly avoiding my point. The OP & her spouse paid a woman to rent her womb then bought her baby. They also paid for another womans eggs. Both acts can cause health issues for 2 of the 3 women involved yet 1 woman gets to walk away with no physical repercussions oh and the prize of a baby. Yes it's selfish and only selfish people will think it's not.

No, I don't feel guilty but I do feel humbled for life, if that makes sense. If our daughter's surrogate mother had been financially struggling, hadn't passed psych screening or hadn't been so enthusiastic, I would have felt guilty continuing and wouldn't have gone ahead. It may seem we have no moral compass to some posters, but the set of circumstances under which we were happy to proceed were narrowly defined in our minds. I appreciate that's not enough for some and we accept respectfully accept that. It is the case that everyone involved is presently very glad it happened but that's not to say ours is the only experience. We do belong to a group for parents involved with surrogacy (surrogate mothers too) where our experience is absolutely bog standard. There are births every month in very similar circumstances.

We chose a clinic that is known for having high ethical standards in relation to egg donation. That was the most we were able to do as by law the process is anonymous. Yes I would feel devastated to learn a woman had donated her eggs under duress. Given how stringent the clinic were about ethical issues generally, I didn't get the impression that they would cut corners here. We do need to talk about these things so I have no problem being asked or challenged. At the same time, that's as much as I can speak to that issue.

Many woman have to hand over their eggs though. Ie you get discount ivf that is affordable if you donate embryos or eggs

@newjobwhodisperhaps I meant around separating a baby from their birth mother and the impact to the baby of that.

@HettyHensHideaway no absolutely no issues if one woman was doing it for her sister or family. The moment you start bringing money into the equation the dynamics changes.
Many surrogate mothers say it was their "choice." What sort of choice is it when one cannot predict the effect of the drugs, the pregnancy and the birth on the woman? And what sort of choice is it for the baby? Did she or he really "choose" to be separated from their birth mother?
I suggest we call out this cruel business for what it is: trafficking in babies; reproductive slavery; a violation of the human rights of both the birth mother and her offspring. Commercial surrogacy is a capitalist enterprise that commodifies women.

You saw the babies born by surrogates left in Ukraine yes?

this is like the happy hooker waxing lyrical about how fabulous selling your body for sex is as a career goal.

it worked out well in your case. Which included no birth injuries. Fabulous for you. IMPOSSIBLE to ensure for all other cases.

the risks to women - especially poor women - are huge.

this is an issue that goes beyond your bubble

The surrogate in this case was not the mother. A donor egg was used. Read the thread properly if you must snark.

hope
Not at all, my husband has a genetic link to both children.